Friday, November 26, 2010

Celebrity Review- Nicolas Cage: Best Worst Actor Ever

They forgot to mention BRILLIANT.

 Quickly everyone, name the 5 worst Nicolas Cage movies of all time.  I know I know, it's too difficult right?  Who else has done more ridiculously poor movies than Nicholas Cage?  I challenge you to come up with someone worse (if you just thought to yourself "Jason Statham," then close but no cigar.)  What sets Nic Cage apart from the rest of the actors with a slew of bad movies, however, is the fact that he has been in a number of very good films as well.  This is where I propose you find the genius of Nicolas Cage: He may very well be the greatest bad actor of all time.  Nobody else can pull off the bad-but-good schtick as well as Mr. Cage can.   Nobody.  (Brendam Frasier is a close second place, so stop freaking out Frasiernatics.)  Even during the worst of movies, I never fail to be entertained by Nic and his over-the-top craziness.  Perhaps it is his gift to the moviegoers of the world that he refuses to let these bad movies go as simply bad movies.  I see no other explanation, really, so everybody say "Thank you Nicolas Cage!"  ....good, now we can move on.

Just for kicks, lets go over some of Nic Cage's Best bad movie's, and some of the best moments from those.  I'm going to start with one that I just watched last night:

The Sorcerer's Apprentice-  Just one of many movies that would be nearly unwatchable if not for the raw and viscerable performance by Nicolas Cage.  Watch in this scene, the first one of the movie, as Nicolas Cage shows you what acting is all about.  The kid in the scene asks an obvious and completely fair question.  Cage, noting that the movie had so far been lacking in the intensity department, makes a judgement call and forcefully injects some power into what I believe was his 4th line of the movie.  Indeed, nobody does it like Cage.

Tell that kid who is boss, you badass!
The Wicker Man: In one of his more famous pieces of bad/great acting, Nic Cage gives us a good idea of what it would be like to have a swarm of bees poured into your net helmet.  A disclaimer on this clip: When I watched this film in its entirety (don't do that) on HBO, this scene was not in the movie, leading me to believe that it may have been a deleted scene.  Which poses the question: who on EARTH would delete this scene from any movie?  Especially a movie as bad as The Wicker Man?!?  This would have increased the enjoyability of this movie tenfold.  I waited for it literally the entire time I was watching.

Breathtaking.  Note how he claimed to have bees in his eyes, yet they appear to stay away from the eyes.

Bangkok Dangerous- I figure Cage took one look at the title of this movie and knew he had to be in it.  It is obviously his cup of tea.  In this scene, Nicolas Cage is on a date with a deaf girl, and they are eating Thai food.  Note how Cage makes absolutely certain that everyone in the audience knows what is happening in this scene.  I couldn't find a video I could embed, but here is a link to the clip on youtube.  By the way, if you watch this you have seen nearly everything you need to see from this movie.  Please trust me on this one, for your own good.

Nicolas Cage being an acting legend.
If you have ever been on a date like this, its time to throw in the towel.  Just saying.

I could go on and on about Nic Cage and his library of amazing bad movies, but I don't want to do that because it will take too long.  Instead, I will try to list a couple more of his bad movies for you to check out:

  • Ghost Rider- Haven't seen it, don't need to.
  • The Bad Lietenant: Port of Call New Orleans- Worse than the title, epic Cage moments/
  • G-Force
  • Knowing
  • Next
And in the interest of fairness, here is a list of good movies he is in:

  • The Rock
  • Con Air
  • Face/Off
  • Adaptation
  • Raising Arizona
It seems, however, that he stopped making good movies after he decided to get into a bad hair contest with Tom Hanks.
Good news, Nic.  Tom Hanks forfeited a looong time ago.

Thanks for everything, Nic Cage!


Hair: 0/10
Crazy: 10/10
Legendary Status: Secure

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Toy Review: the NERF N-Strike Rapid Fire AS-20. Crappy name, epic toy.

Wanna know the most satisfying feeling in the world? Go grab your NERF gun. If you don't have one, then ask one of your friends to punch you in your balls/face because you are an idiot, then get them to take you to Target so you can join the ranks of cool people. Now that you have a NERF gun, try shooting any of your friends in the face with it. You don't get that feeling of sweet satisfaction unless you do this from at least 5 meters, and you really need to do it with one of the classic suction dart style bullets for that satisfying slap noise that means you've scored a direct hit. If performed successfully, this will result in an automatic shit-eating grin that is pretty much incurable, at least until somebody does the same thing to you. Rinse and repeat. Look, it even works for dogs!

OK, that guy is hilarious.

Pretty much any NERF gun can lead to this world of happiness, but I believe I have found the best one for the job. It is called, rather unfortunately, the N-Strike Rapid Fire AS-20. I'm going to go ahead and call it the NERF Hilarity, because that is what it causes when used.
It should be called the NERF Face Ruiner

 It's hard to describe this gun in words and do it justice.  All NERF guns are great, of course, but nothing else seems to measure up to this little bit of perfection.  It is small enough to carry in one hand and, say, hide behind your back, but it is also large enough to put the Fear into all who oppose your NERF power.  But that's not really the best use for this gun.

What is the best use for the gun, you undoubtedly have asked yourself?  Invite a friend over, hide until they come in, then jump out and unload 20 rounds on them so fast that they won't even have time to properly pee themselves.  Not only does it shoot unreasonably fast, but the thing is loud.  Even better for the surprise factor.  To top it all off, it is accurate enough that in skilled hands, you can probably land all 20 shots and you can probably land them all on the face which, after all, is the point of a NERF gun.

But NERF is for kids!  Everybody is sure to try to tell you that.  I have prepared for you a suitable answer should this problem arise.  Shoot this person in the face with your brand new NERF gun, preferably multiple times, and say "Who's the kid now?"  This will properly demonstrated both your maturity and also how reasonable you are.  Not to mention afterwards you will have a huge smile on your face.  If you don't believe me, then believe these celebrities:

I shot Ben Affleck in the face with my NERF, and look at me now!

NERF is better than winning an Oscar!
Before I finish, I would like to take a moment to thank NERF for creating the perfect toy.  Not only can we approximate extreme violence with these toys, we can do it without any possible chance of hurting your friends.  Kudos, NERF!

Final scores for the NERF Hilarity:

Dart capacity: 10/10
Rate of Fire: 15/10
Range: 8/10
Shock Value: 10/10
Rate of Dart Loss: Stupid high.

Overall:  You pretty much made the perfect gun here, NERF.  Time to find a new line of work.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Game Review: Farkle- a Game of Guts, Luck, and a whole lot of Cursing

Many games vie for the title of "best dice game of all time."  Yahtzee.  3 man.  Craps.  That game that Adam and I made up when we were drunk that one time but now we can't remember how you play it (it was called Damn It, and it was a game for badasses).  All of these games attempt to lay claim to the title GOAT.  That's Greatest of All Time to those of you who don't read about sports all the time like a big nerd.  But then...

A New Challenger Approaches!!!!

Let's take a look at these two games, side by side, and see which one is really the best.  Remember, this is simply science at work, so if you don't like the outcome, then talk to Sir Isaac Newton.

If you don't believe in science, then how do you explain that hair?

Yahtzee is the clear favorite coming in.  This isn't Yahtzee's first rodeo, no sir, and it sure knows how to bring it when it needs to.  Five die to start with, and three chances to come up with the best score you can get.  Five die?  Three chances?  The younger, more fresh Farkle laughs at this pathetic attempt at game making.
Advantage: Farkle

Farkle doesn't appear to be intimidated at all in this match up... no, Farkle seems to be taking it right to Yahtzee from the opening bell.  Yahztee fires with 5 die to start the round, and oh it doesn't look good for Farkle.... but wait!  Farkle counters with a staggering 6 die first throw!  Unbelievable!  I've never seen such a thing!

This crazy bastard will science-slap the shit out of you.
Thats right people, 6 die.  And you know what?  You can have an infinite number of rolls provided your dice rolling skills are GOAT.  Talk about a hardcore dice game.  So Farkle wins, right?  Not so fast, loyal reader.  The strategic edge goes to Yahtzee, hands down.  It even says so right there on the Farkle box: "A game of guts and luck."  What that means is, you essentially need all of the brains of a concussed 3rd grader to win at this game.  Good thing or bad thing?  I'll let you decide.  Just remember, if you say that's a good thing then that means you are stupid.  Science again.  Cry to Albert Einstein if you don't agree.
Advantage: Yahtzee

What else sets these two games apart?  How about the scorecard?  For Farkle, all you need is a simple piece-of-paper-and-pen configuration, where if you want to play Yahtzee without the official scorecard, you better be able to replicate that thing.  Do you know how to add?  If you answered yes, you have everything you need to get started with Farkle.  Are you the biggest Yahztee nerd in history?  If you answered yes, then not only can you play Yahtzee with just a paper or pen, but you should also probably punch yourself in the nose.  Nerd it up on something cooler, or at least more popular.
Advantage: Farkle

Presentation?  This one is all Yahtzee.  How much snazzier does Yahtzee look than Farkle.  It's no contest.
Advantage: Yahtzee

Well, now that I invented something else for Yahtzee to win at, it's all tied up.  The tiebreaker shall be... an irritation off!  Which of these two games makes people more irritated?  Which one of these will cause you and your friends to flip out, curse, and throw the game across the room?  Everybody knows that how good a board game is is in direct correlation to how annoyed the players get.  I've played both of these games, so I am here to answer this difficult question for you.  Here's the breakdown:
       Yahtzee:  How annoying is this game?  Tell me after you've gone 5 turns in a row without getting the small straigh and your friend next to you JUST GOT THEIR SECOND YAHTZEE OF THE ROUND OH MY GOD.  Yeah, it's pretty irritating.  But you know what?  I'm always mad at the person next to me when I play this.  Yahtzee allows you to too easily blame your woes on everyone else, including that elusive Luck.  I'm going to name my second child Luck, just so everyone is always talking about how good he/she/it is or how bad he/she/it is.  But I digress.

       Farkle:  Ahh, here is a real game of irritation.  Watch as the person next to you rolls 10 consecutive times racking up the points, and then get ready for your turn.  Do you play it safe?  Take the points?  Or do you try to roll again and again like your friend there.  The worst part is, you have no one to blame but yourself when everything goes wrong.  I swear more than a pirate having a bad day on the golf course when I play this game, but I can't point the finger anywhere but right back at myself. @!$*.
Advantage: Farkle

So there you have it.  I could go into helpful things that most reviews might have like rules, or number of players, or cost of the game, but that's not really how I roll.  Instead, I'll give you these made up judges scorecards.
Judge #1: 3-2 Farkle
Judge #2: 3-2 Farkle
Judge #3: 4-1 Farkle
Judge #4: 5-0 Yahztee (He's French)
Judge #5: 2-2-1 Tie

Farkle Wins Bitches!  And in case you had any doubts before... do you want this to happen to you?

Case Closed.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Food Review: PB&J

Hello! I apologize for the lack of reviews in several days.  It's been busy and blah blah blah.  OK, I got Call of Duty, and I've been a lazy turd, sue me.  Anyways, you're getting one now so quitcher bitchin'.

Disclaimer:  All depictions in this blog of any people, historical figures, or sandwiches real or fake, were made up on the spot but probably really happened too.

Simple yet elegant

Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches.  The quintessential child's lunch, I am fairly certain that everybody on the planet has had one at some time in their life (yes even you, you peanut allergic unfortunates.  How do you think your parents found out?).  If you are thinking to yourself right now, "Hey, I've never had a PB&J," then your next thought should be "Hey, I'm a big fat lying jerkwad.  My pants are probably on fire, on account of me being such a liar."  Yeah, you've had one.

What is it about the peanut butter and jelly sandwich that is so good?  Why all the hype?  For starters, you have peanut butter.  When George Washington Carver was messing around with the peanut* and came up with all of those 105 ways to eat a peanut, none was more critical to planet Earth than peanut butter.  I mean, come on guys, that stuff is amazing.

*Just a little side note, here.  I'm all for science and learning and all that other crap, but don't you think this guy maybe took it a little too far?  He could have stopped at, like, 40 ways to prepare peanut butter, and we all would have reacted the same way.  "Hey, way to go there, George, groundbreaking stuff... oh, no let us cook tonight.  No there won't be any peanuts.  George, what are you doing?!?!  No, George, please I was going to make a peanut brittle for desert!  George no stop I'm sorry!  Geeeooorrrrrgggee!

I'm crazy about peanuts!

Yeah I just made George Washington Carver in to a murdering peanut psychopath.  Sure did.  Good thing you read the disclaimer.

A true power couple.

And I have something to say to you people who think that peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are "not good."  You think that peanut butter and jelly don't belong together on a sandwich do you?  Are you really willing to split up those two after such a long and lucrative partnership?  Would you be the one to drive a wedge between the greatest duo in sandwich history, just because you had a bad experience in elementary school when you threw up all those PB&J's?  I didn't think so.

Now, as much as I love the old PB&J, there are a few critical variations that don't involve both components (meaning just peanut butter, because what else is jelly good for but toast?) that I would like to mention.
  1. Peanut Butter and Honey:  Sweet deliciousness.  I'm told that some people think this is "weird" or "gross."  I have to be told by people, because when someone says that sort of thing to my face, my brain instantly translates it into "WHOOOAAA AWESOME."
  2. Peanut Butter and Honey and Bacon:  I can't comment other than by saying holy shit.  Eat one of these, come back to this blog, and thank my mother for being a true visionary.  Mr. George Washington Carver ain't got a thing on her.
  3. Peanut Butter and Banana:  The popularity of this sandwich mash up grows by the day.  Not my favorite, but I do recognize a winner when I see it.
  4. Peanut Butter and Mayonnaise:  Sounds barfworthy, but I had it on a hot dog once (I was drunk, OK?).  Not as bad as it sounds, but not as good as whoever invented it would like you to think.
  5. Peanut Butter and Pesto:  Just kidding!  Or am I?  Yeah I am.

I also feel I need to mention the unsung hero of this piece: milk.  With milk, a PB&J is about five times greater than without, and vice-versa (is that how you spell that? never tried it before).  Never have I enjoyed milk more than when I have it with a PB&J.  Milk is the behind-the-scenes force behind Peanut Butter and Jelly.  A true team player who doesn't need any of the credit for itself.  Here's to milk!

 So thats about it for the old PB&J.  Here are the scores:

Taste: 8/10 (9/10 w/ milk)
Affordability: 10/10
Versatility: 6/10 (Only so many kinds of J's you can use)
Replay value: Very High

Oh, and you're welcome for not posting the Peanut Butter Jelly Time! video.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

One Man Reviews Another Man: I give you... Derek Pons!


Filmmaker.  Comedian.  Athlete.  Class Act.  Talented.  These are all things that Derek Pons hopes he will be someday.  What is he now?  Instead of just telling you outright, why don't I instead tell you a story about Derek, who we (his good friends) lovingly call Creepy Deeps  Skeezy Deezy  Tard Octocock D-Pons.  To me this story is just a legend, as sadly I was not there to witness it.  But those who did witness it, extremely reliable sources by the way, have told it many times, and told it well.  And so begins...

                                        The Legend of Derek:  Baby Slayer
Once upon a time in the land of Wilmington, Fere lived a young man by the name of Derek.  Derek was a happy young lad, so full of life and wonderment.  You would think, by Fe way he spoke of Fings that he liked, Fat he enjoyed everything as Fough it was Fe "greatest Fing ever!"  Fis remained true one of Fe days he attended a gaFering at a friend's house. Two of Derek's friends, known to all as the Thrill Killers, had recently given birF to a beautiful baby girl.  Derek saw a lot of himself in this infant child; Fe wonderment, Fe difficulty speaking, Fe golden locks, Fe baby face (he never could grow a beard).   Derek immediately took a liking to the child.  Oh, how Fey played together, Fe two young friends! 
          But Fen, someFing happened.  No one knows for sure what came between Fe two friends at that moment, but someFing happened indeed.  You could see it in Derek's face... he was plotting.  Before anyone knew what happened, Derek had struck!  He lashed out, foot delivering the wraF of Derek with astonishing speed, sending Fe baby girl flying end over end across the room.  Everyone was stunned by the speed and ferocity of Derek's outburst, but he showed no remorse.  He simply laughed at Fe mistfortue of Fe poor baby child.  If you listen closely, you can still hear his laughter, even today...

This guy has nothing on Derek

So now you have a slight idea of Derek, the man.  I may have kept out a few of the more incriminating parts of the story, for Derek's sake, but the events occurred almost exactly like it is written there.  Shocking, and tragic I know.

But what else can I tell you about Derek, you ask?  Well, he has quite possibly the best Beach photo of all time.  How good you ask?  Good enough to double the followers on my blog, if not triple them.  Behold:  Beach Bod Derek!

The beach had to shut down on this day.
If thats not enough, how about his man-crushes? Matt Damon poster on the wall: check.  That guy from Lost looking wistfully off into the sunset for a computer background: check.  Matthew Fox blow up doll: check.  Jack Bauer Night Time Escapades DVD box set: check.  He has him all, and he will share them with you unashamedly.

There really is too much to talk about with my friend Derek.  You can't sum him up in just a few hundred words, and nor would I want to try.  Instead, let me give you a list of  "States of Derek" that you want to catch him in in order to get a good picture.

  • Incredulous Derek- Very common
  • Dad Joke Derek- Common
  • Film Derek- Always
  • Lost Fanatic Derek- Not as common as it used to be
  • Beach Bod Derek- Seasonal
  • Fedora Derek- Rare
  • Dancin' Derek- In between 
That covers it for now, thats about all I can think of at this time.  I'm sure I forgot some so, loyal readers, please give me some more ideas and I can always add them in!

Let me be serious for a minute though.  Derek, we love ya.  You are a great friend to have, always fun to have around and you suck at cooking.  Oops! what I meant was, it wouldn't be the same without you around here, and I'm gla...  I'm glaaaa.... sorry, it's a bit hard to say.  I'm glad we hang out.  Your enthusiasm and good attitude are truly infectious, and I can't think of anyone better to go on a trip with, or go to a concert with, or just generally hang out with.  Your good nature and fierce friendship are one of a kind.  There!  Compliment paid.  See, now it's like a roast, so I don't feel bad about posting Beach Bod picture or talking about how bad you suck at cooking.  Anyways, here are some scores and merit badges:

Funny: 9/10
Physical Prowess: 3/10 (ha ha got one last dig in there!)
Charm: 10/10
Movie Opinions: Well, at least you and I can agree on Hot Fuzz

Overall: He's a Swell Dude!

Merit badges:

Best Knee Explosion!
Biggest Lost Obsession
President of the Jack Bauer fan club Wilmington chapter
Funniest Frozen Pizza Attempt

Thats all for now!  Big ups to Derek!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: Scott Pilgrim... wins!

When I first watched this movie, I saw it by myself, in the theater, sandwiched between The Expendables and Despicable Me.  Three different movies, three completely different styles.  While I liked all three of them, I feel like Scott Pilgrim easily brought the most new stuff to the table.  Ever wanted to see a movie that is so good, you jump up in the theater and shout "HELL YEAH!" while removing your clothes and joining in a spontaneous joy orgy?  Well too bad.  That movie is not a movie, it is a drug called Ecstasy, and it's illegal.  This movie is pretty good though.

                  Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
Apparently, it's epic.

Let me begin this review by saying that generally, Michael Cera is an actor who makes me want to turn to the person next to me and headbutt them in the nose.  I haven't liked any movies he was in up until I saw this.  So for those of you who are anti-Cera like me, you should still give this movie a chance.  If you watch it and still decide to assault somebody in a Michael-Cera-Awkwardness induced rage, I absolve myself of all responsibility.

The director of this film, Edgar Wright, is beloved to me.  Having made Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz (one of my favorites ever), he also holds the distinction of being of of the few people who have made me embarass myself in a public theater due to excessive and obnoxious laughter.  But what of this film?  It may not be hilariously funny like his previous offerings, but it does deliver a consistent number of snickers, snorts and chortles.  Even a chuckle here and there.

Some people may be asking themselves, this movie looks like it is too ridiculous (hi, Derek!).  Well, it certainly is a bit ridiculous.  But not too.  Too ridiculous is a giant robot peeing on a federal marshal, or two giant robots who are obvious and offensive racial stereotypes.  Or, really, almost anything else from transformers.  No, I find Scott Pilgrim to be just ridiculous enough that it is fresh while not groan-inducing.  It is probably not like anything else you have seen, but I think that is true in the best sense when it comes to this movie.

People who will like this movie:
  1. Video gamers.  Lots of nods to the video game crowd here, with status bars popping up here and there and the frequent use of video game sounds and retro gaming music.
  2. Grunge Rockers.  A fair amount of music in this movie that I really enjoyed.  Heavy on the bass and the distortion, but I like the way it sounds.  And it fits the movie perfectly.
  3. Action people.  The action in this was really fun, well directed, and didn't take over the whole movie.  And completely a bonus too, considering I expected nothing on this front from the movie.
People who will not like this movie:
  1. Squares.
  2. Wankers.
  3. Tools.
  4. Probably the emo crowd.  But what do they like?
One last point.  My biggest qualm with the movie?  What have they done with Mary Elizabeth Winstead?!  They took her and de-hotted her like she was Charlize in "Monster."  Hmm, a little bit inappropriate there, but you get the picture.  Maybe you don't get the picture... here is the picture(s).

Winstead in the movie.  No, Not the dude.

And here is normal Winstead...!!!
I'm not sure that's even the same person.  Oh well, you can't win 'em all right?

Anyways,  Scott Pilgrim vs The World is one of my favorites of 2010.  Watch it, enjoy it, but if you don't, don't come crying to me because I'm just going to tell you you are wrong.

The Scores:
Action: 8/10
Music: 9/10
Cera: 7/10 (beat his previous best of 3/10)
Winstead:  Not in this movie, as far as I know.
Vegans destroyed: 1

Overall: Much goodness.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Punisher: War Zone. Consider yourself punished.

Ahh, my first review of a movie so bad that it is good.  How to tackle a review such as this?  I certainly can't go by this movie's artistic merits.  That would make this a very brief, very easy review.  No, a true bad/good movie like this requires a refined movie palette, unlike anything that an ordinary movie critic can bring to the table.  Gone from this review will be the usual measuring sticks we are all so accustomed to; acting, writing, visuals, pacing, etc.  No, this movie requires the examination of certain other enjoyment factors, but we will get to that later.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

                         Punisher: War Zone
I've watched many a bad movie over the last couple of years in search of those hidden gems, those over the top, how-does-this-movie-exist laugh riots that can only truly be made by a creative team with the talent and ability of a sea urchin.  This movie, for sheer enjoyment, is one of the best.  And I will  tell you why.

Reason # 1:  Hilarious accents.  The two main villains of this piece, the self-named "Jigsaw" and the not ironically named Looney Bin Jim, both use the thick Brooklyn(?) style accent, and it's almost as if you can hear them attempting to learn it as the scene is shot.   Please enjoy this link to the best accent ever put to film:

This guy really likes his applesauce! 

Waitaminute, we have some breaking news:  Dominic West, portrayer of Jigsaw, actually just talks like that.  I think Doug Hutchinson (Looney Bin Jim) deserves some credit here for creating a brand new dialect, which I think should be called Bizarro Brooklyn.  Not a great name?  I accept reader submissions!

Reason #2:  (Spoiler alert!)  Parkour + backflip over building + surprise rocket launcher = I peed myself.  HO-LY SHIT that was funny.  What a practical way to eliminate a pesky  Freestyle walker, than to shoot them out of mid-backflip with a rocket.  Easy as pie.

Reason #3  Face punishment.  Frank Castle punishes a man by punching through his face.  No joke, hes actually strong enough to eliminate a man's face from his head with a single punch, which is much more impressive than the way Christian Bale did it in Equilibrium.  Films have a long history of face removal (see: Face/Off, and, uh, other stuff), but this has to rank up there with the best.
Reason #4:  Mirror punishment.  Jigsaw hates mirrors because he is so ugly after his glass shard bath (he was inside a glass recycler when it was on: punished!) that he can't stand to see his face.  His loving and caring brother Jim dutifully destroys every mirror that tries to make an appearance for the rest of the film.  Headbutts, cross-body blocks, and furniture are all acceptable means of mirror removal.  And they apparently live in the mirror capital of the world.

                                                               It never did nothin to no one
Reason #5  Don't push it.

In summation, if you want to see "good" movies, I advise you to seek out and destroy every copy of this movie ever made.  It is terribad.  However, if you like hilariously bad, I urge you to Punish yourself (heh heh) by watching this movie.

The scores:
Frank's fist 1 - Faces 0
Rocket  1  -  Parkour 0
Body count:  >Die Hard
Robin Williams Certificate of Awful Accents awarded

Overall: Definitely makes my top 500

Sunday, November 7, 2010

V for Vendetta- Best Guy Fawkes related movie ever made?

With the fifth of november having just passed, we all have one more Guy Fawkes Day celebration under our belts.  I know that I, personally, am still hung over from the whole affair.  Best holiday!  And how better to honor the man than to put on a mask, kick some ass, and talk really cool.  Instead of doing that, however, I decided to watch a movie about a guy who is trying to be a modern day Guy.  Here is a picture of said movie:

Yes, I realize that is a CD cover.  Anyways.  Nerd that I am, I like to sit down on November 5th every year and watch the movie "V for Vendetta."  Because they talk about November 5th in the movie guys!  Its like watching "Halloween" ON HALLOWEEN.  But I digress and oh my god I left on the italics.  My bad.  

In all seriousness, I do love this movie.  The writing is good, but it is the actors who really bring it in this film.  Multiple times during the movie I had the thought that if the wrong people were saying the same lines, it would come across as cheesy at best.  Just watch the movie and try to imagine, for example, Tom Cruise or Christian Bale as V.  It just doesn't work.  Hugo Weaving is quite frankly awesome, and I love every one of his speeches which he delivers with panache and gravitas which are two words that I don't know the meaning of.   Natalie Portman does an attractive excellent job in her role of Evey Hammond, the skeptical but fed up citizen of an oppressed populace. She hits all of the right notes in all of the right places, providing a handful of moments that give me goosebumps.  I call them "Goosebump moments."
I also love the overall tone of this movie.  When it came out, I had some people tell me that they wouldn't see the movie because the heard it "promoted terrorism."  In the words of british people, I say bollocks.  Bollocks!  This is a movie that promotes freedom and rights and baby unicorns and other good things.  "People should not be afraid of their governments, governments should be afraid of their people."  That is damn right.

If that isn't enough to entice you, this movie even has a little bit of action and an excellent soundtrack.  This movie is a must watch unless you are a crybaby whiner who read the graphic novels and feel as though the movie didn't do it justice.  Get over it, alright?  At least they didn't demolish one of your favorite books like they did to "Relic" and "Congo."  Ugh.

Is this the best Guy Fawkes related movie ever?  I say thee Yea!
The scores:

Speechifying:  A+
# of "Oh snap!" moments:  4
Hotness:  7/10
Thomas Little standard of awesomeness:  Pass

Overall score: A+47Awesome

I'm so glad you asked!

I know, you are all wondering what it is I will be doing here on this exciting and highly anticipated blog.  My mission is simple: review random stuff.  I'm no critic, but I sure do like and dislike a lot of stuff, and I feel like everybody needs to hear my opinion because of how awesome and correct I find it to be.  So, yeah, I'm gonna review whatever triggers my opinion impulse, new and old.  There will be scores!  Everybody likes a score when they read a review, and I shall not disappoint.  There will be hyperbole!  IT WILL BE THE GREATEST REVIEW BLOG OF ALL TIME!  See what I did there?  Anyways, that's about it.  I think you get the idea, right?  This isn't groundbreaking stuff.  I review, you read review, we disagree and I get called names, so I try to verbally slap you in the face but you are too quick and so I miss and look silly.  Pretty standard.  So let's get started!