tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33641592065490333322024-03-05T20:34:05.620-08:00Old News ReviewsWhere I decide to review movies, games, books, beers, bars, people, etcetera etcetera completely at random. Hopefully you don't want to read reviews of anything cutting edge or new, because thats not going to happen too often.Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06090865863606803172noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364159206549033332.post-66136524634205993652013-01-07T18:01:00.000-08:002013-01-07T18:01:26.362-08:00Movie Review: Galaxy Quest? More like Galaxy... Best... ugh.I remember where and when I first saw Galaxy Quest like it was <strike>yesterday</strike> some random day years ago, which is to say not very well at all. I do remember clearly my surprise at how excellent the movie was, seeing as how I had never heard anything about it from anyone. Looking back on it now, I don't know how I didn't anticipate it's greatness. Chalk it up to the naivete of youth, or the lack of hype from Hollywood, or the stupidity of Thomas. None of that matters now, though. What matters is that Galaxy Quest and I found each other, and have had a beautiful relationship since then.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHUXB3tZV-Xgv8Y7VM8GfESuzzixXPK9di7IP46Leaa5CeSLasWkoZ9OELYgttiseQBnvMfVxniJE-XtbafUKNpk_uUtM3YysEDZ9Q3vWAQUH0UNnDETIAvuAnLqW0qrp1Xbx-zz3jWEAW/s1600/galaxy+quest.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHUXB3tZV-Xgv8Y7VM8GfESuzzixXPK9di7IP46Leaa5CeSLasWkoZ9OELYgttiseQBnvMfVxniJE-XtbafUKNpk_uUtM3YysEDZ9Q3vWAQUH0UNnDETIAvuAnLqW0qrp1Xbx-zz3jWEAW/s1600/galaxy+quest.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I can't deny that this looks pretty lame.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
For those of you who are not initiated, Here is the briefest synopsis: The cast of a Star Trek type television show is mistaken for actual heroes by an alien race seeking aid against a mighty alien foe. The aliens pick up the whole cast from a comic-con type convention and bring them aboard a ship designed exclusively from the episodes of the old TV show. I just got bored typing that much, so that is all you get.<br /><br />
Surely those of you who haven't seen the movie are skeptical. I was skeptical myself until the glorious day when my laziness overcame my desire to find the television remote (Side note: Necessity is the mother of invention, but laziness is the mother of hey-look-what-I-found-because-it-was-right-within-arms-reach-but-it-turned-out-really-well-in-my-favor-so-suck-on-that-you-bunch-of-go-getters). What makes the movie so good, you ask? You didn't ask? SOMEBODY ASKED, I HEARD IT.<br />
<br />
First of all, the actors in this movie are phenomenal. I didn't realize it at the time, but I love 90% of the people in this movie (yes, Tim Allen too). It is a prime example of that movie where you keep thinking to yourself, "Oh, <i>he</i> is in this? Waitwait, <i>she</i> is in this too?" Yeah buddy, he and she both is. Observe:<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixda4NdUIlLK6m774iQvmcHpuonSmOCtT_5q13twaCO6pB-dVVh9nVQeDWL-cLNlh54-eOUPTa-ldzDcy6mxlXH9EPPo1LVjbRzKtfE3jdSDpI8tLnObd8mOQwUVQymzcpkETKawAlYs54/s1600/sig+and+tim.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixda4NdUIlLK6m774iQvmcHpuonSmOCtT_5q13twaCO6pB-dVVh9nVQeDWL-cLNlh54-eOUPTa-ldzDcy6mxlXH9EPPo1LVjbRzKtfE3jdSDpI8tLnObd8mOQwUVQymzcpkETKawAlYs54/s1600/sig+and+tim.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Tim Allen and Ms. We...woowww</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b><u>Tim the Tool Man Taylor and S. Weaver</u></b><br />
After playing himself on tool time, then himself turning in to Kris Kringle, Tim Allen decided to tackle something a little off the wall for him, something he couldn't relate to at all; washed up TV actor. Where oh where could he have gotten his inspiration? How was he able to channel this role so perfectly? My guess is he took an acting class from James "Fivehead" VanDerbeek (zing!). This was the part Tim Allen was born to play.<br />
<br />
As for the female lead, well, I'm afraid of misspelling her name so I will just refer to her as "SW." Having already proven her worth as a sci-fi action heroine in the Alien movies, SW decided to take another foray into the genre, this time as the "eye candy" role from the old Trek-esque TV show. As you can tell from the picture above, she really, um, embraces the role wholeheartedly. The banter between the two leads is excellent and probably a little bit genuine, as I imagine Tim Allen is sort of a prick*<br />
<br />
*I blame Buzz Lightyear for making me think this.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvdZBcFRf55A-7u1FTVM_1B24GaAZScc9hrAio11XdDkMrCv-9xZpEo_5ONTZxgc2d8A-d0YNnV-IJGFQUWSPb82Hd7_SqdtdLOLoSkCx6hE8JJbz_r7jWFXe2asauIWtyFPaJS3UZHXYW/s1600/rickman.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="149" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvdZBcFRf55A-7u1FTVM_1B24GaAZScc9hrAio11XdDkMrCv-9xZpEo_5ONTZxgc2d8A-d0YNnV-IJGFQUWSPb82Hd7_SqdtdLOLoSkCx6hE8JJbz_r7jWFXe2asauIWtyFPaJS3UZHXYW/s200/rickman.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Snape. Snape. Severus Snape.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKSbZjhrpSX03Q3yGokmQs-tfC6g43k3FG7eYgSVy0ZI2F6NtlLjhshgxhB7oP-_MbvYCuEWdrwkRWkXb4mlGDtrSIzQbRGbHOZ0X3ycx3EPs9Brv7apeO-itYjTAxceuAxBShQ9ul06xh/s1600/shaloub.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="112" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKSbZjhrpSX03Q3yGokmQs-tfC6g43k3FG7eYgSVy0ZI2F6NtlLjhshgxhB7oP-_MbvYCuEWdrwkRWkXb4mlGDtrSIzQbRGbHOZ0X3ycx3EPs9Brv7apeO-itYjTAxceuAxBShQ9ul06xh/s200/shaloub.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Uh... have fun with that.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<u><b>Snape and Monk</b></u><br />
These guys are awesome. Rididulously popular and successful television series aside, neither of these men ever get to be the "leading man," but they both bring so much to the table in every role they ever get their hands on. In this movie, Alan Rickman gets to play the "Spock" type logical character, while Tony Sha... Monk basically plays an engineer who spends the entire movie stoned out of his mind. They never show it, but I guarantee they were trying to imply it. Both are hilarious, both deliver their lines perfectly, and both completely nail the satirical aspect of the movie perfectly.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf56wPe5hCKwercOyVR3UkoYmagQr0vFgyJfXURS-zBPbQ6NvgKpesZBcVACIVjY3PV73ym3NtanBXsJNJSycvkYECSnY652vOpucEuwvvuBhLvD9c7vHZvyj9UeWLJgC2kDFfDR-8_geI/s1600/rockwell.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf56wPe5hCKwercOyVR3UkoYmagQr0vFgyJfXURS-zBPbQ6NvgKpesZBcVACIVjY3PV73ym3NtanBXsJNJSycvkYECSnY652vOpucEuwvvuBhLvD9c7vHZvyj9UeWLJgC2kDFfDR-8_geI/s1600/rockwell.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Comic relief in a comedy? Somehow yes.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<u><b>I can't think of any character he plays</b></u><br />
No jokes here, basically Sam Rockwell steals the show. Just another in the long list of great actors who were perfect for this movie, this is the character that will get the most laughs out of people that are familiar with Star Trek, mostly because (NERD KNOWLEDGE REDACTED).<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Some other notable people in the movie are Justin Long as probably himself, Rainn Wilson before there was an Office, and the token black guy who, despite not being Gus from the TV show Psych, does an excellent job as the former child actor of the bunch. In short, everybody is good. I guess I could have just said that to start with.<br />
<br />
Basically, I can't urge you enough to watch this movie if you haven't already. Whether you like Star Trek or not, this movie is absolutely hilarious, and accomplishes the feat of being a brilliant satire and also a true homage to it's source better than pretty much every other movie of its ilk. See it.<br />
<br />
<b><u>SCORES</u></b><br />
This might come as a bit of a surprise, but I'm going to give this movie high marks.<br />
<br />
***** <---- that is Five Stars!<br />
10/10 <-------- A perfect ten!<br />
A+ <---------- I went to hippie school so I don't understand GPA! But I know that is good!<br />
<br />
Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06090865863606803172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364159206549033332.post-40671060034817244772012-12-23T09:03:00.000-08:002012-12-23T09:03:14.113-08:00Redbox is ChocolateboxI'm sure most of you have seen the movie Forrest Gump by now, and I'm sure you remember the famous line: "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." Well guess what else is like a box of chocolates? Redbox.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPUsUNfPS-SOF8MIBubzYmW3voztO_BP7Al5Q9wdJIfL7dEmJR71UtQzTWndmLIB-PSc09qbsAD_RQMx3WuWmMC5FbwMWqoP6orhfTr04woMYq0dQP4Zm5TvModvxKgE8VHCuAGPN2AhzY/s1600/redbox.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPUsUNfPS-SOF8MIBubzYmW3voztO_BP7Al5Q9wdJIfL7dEmJR71UtQzTWndmLIB-PSc09qbsAD_RQMx3WuWmMC5FbwMWqoP6orhfTr04woMYq0dQP4Zm5TvModvxKgE8VHCuAGPN2AhzY/s1600/redbox.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Prepare yourself for mediocrity.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Let me clear this up real quick. Redbox isn't like a <i>new</i> box of chocolates. It is the box of chocolates that has been sitting around in the break room at work, full of promise but delivering only disappointment. If you aren't familiar with this phenomenon, here is a little dramatization:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i><b> One day at (INSERT COMPANY NAME HERE), Ted left the sales floor and went to the break room, looking forward to relaxing for a few minutes before getting back out on the floor and helping customers find just the right Christmas gift. </b></i> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i><b> He entered the break room, and was pleasantly surprised at what he found; emptiness. Not a soul in sight, not even in the Comfy Chair. He began whistling 'Jingle Bells' as he sauntered over to the Comfy Chair, and was just about to sit down when he saw it: A box of chocolates on the table in the corner, with a little sign that said "MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY! TAKE <u>ONE!</u>" Unable to believe his good luck, he hurried over to the box and snatched the top off, ready to claim his prize.</b></i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><i> His cheerful whistling trailed off as Ted was suddenly faced with a difficult decision. He clearly wasn't the first person to get to the chocolates, not even close. There were a couple chocolates remaining, but without the chocolate chart there was no telling which flavors were left. Everybody else couldn't possibly have know which ones to avoid and which ones to eat, could they?</i></b> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><i> He grabbed one at random and popped it into his mouth just as Betty, his boss, walked in. "Heya Ted! You are doing great out there today! Everybody loves how cheerful..." But Ted interrupted her, mouth half full, practically growling as he spoke.</i></b></blockquote>
<i><b>"I have to go home, Betty, I don't feel well."</b></i><br />
<i><b> "What? Ted, I don't understand, you seem so energetic..."</b></i><br />
<i><b> "There's a cherry in it, Betty. I have to go"</b></i><br />
<i><b> "A cherry in it? In what, Ted?"</b></i><br />
<i><b> "THERES A DAMN CHERRY IN IT BETTY, I'M LEAVING!"</b></i><br />
<i><b> "O-ok Ted, no problem. Just go home and get some rest ok?"</b></i><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i><b> Ted walked past her and straight out of the building. Everyone he passed could only Hear him muttering about "cherries" or repeating to himself "How did they know? HOW DID THEY KNOW?? </b></i> </blockquote>
What does all of that have to do with Redbox? Just imagine Redbox as Chocolatebox, and think of how many times you went to open the box hoping to find something delicious to <strike>watch eat</strike> wheatch, only to find the orange creme and cherry filled movies left.<br />
<br />
My metaphor got tangled, but you get the point. You go in to Redbox hoping to find The Avengers, but end up having to choose between Wesley Snipes' latest direct-to-video crapfest or a romantic comedy starring Seth Rogen and Barbara Streisand andnowivethrownuponmykeyboard. Seriously I'm already hating the future of my Redbox trips.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXVwtTrem0LDFg5c2iDFESerWBHPdnjHWkzOwT3q1ncC2P-H0FQKGzaMO51zdMH5uMt7rqTdTES3fXKaoKeqW1FlKxZaJoqp1Fo2gMUQK5VkX78UvwIevXeCoCFduIaFlW5pdcmYFvpUGF/s1600/snipes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXVwtTrem0LDFg5c2iDFESerWBHPdnjHWkzOwT3q1ncC2P-H0FQKGzaMO51zdMH5uMt7rqTdTES3fXKaoKeqW1FlKxZaJoqp1Fo2gMUQK5VkX78UvwIevXeCoCFduIaFlW5pdcmYFvpUGF/s200/snipes.jpg" width="135" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Trash is usually free.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMMnpuzEwjBhjnjbgjZDWVGFXDMV9Z126GP7mf2N4QDSD4MrRAJBz5d8VS4rTNuImKBWyWQcfKkS3tXIf165Fvf9Iiet7ItjPOSihlACZSBg1N91aAIE1SQjYVwGWxD6peU0hdtA7kLxYB/s1600/rogenbabs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMMnpuzEwjBhjnjbgjZDWVGFXDMV9Z126GP7mf2N4QDSD4MrRAJBz5d8VS4rTNuImKBWyWQcfKkS3tXIf165Fvf9Iiet7ItjPOSihlACZSBg1N91aAIE1SQjYVwGWxD6peU0hdtA7kLxYB/s200/rogenbabs.jpg" width="134" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Whoever made this hates everyone.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i><b> </b></i></blockquote>
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>YOU</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>CANT</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>CHOOSE</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>WISELY </b> </span><br />
</div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />That being said, maybe you will be one of the lucky ones. Just maybe you will be the one to open Redbox/Chocolatebox and find nothing but delicious treasure with just a few pieces of nastiness inside. Or maybe you'll just chew on some crap.<br />
<br />
<u>SCORES FOR REDBOX</u><br />
<br />
Convenience: 10/10<br />
Price: 10/10<br />
Actually having anything worth watching: 2/10<br />
People in front of you don't know how to operate the machine properly so they take forever and they have to look through every stupid movie two times before they finally decide on whatever the last crappy movie Gerard Butler put out was: 10/10, or 0/10, whichever one is bad, I got confused.<br />
<br />
Overall: I hate you Redbox, except when I want to watch crappy movies.Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06090865863606803172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364159206549033332.post-13141161425748634822012-12-17T16:42:00.001-08:002012-12-17T16:42:16.704-08:00Celebrity Review: The Pretty Much One Faces of Danny TrejoOK everybody, I want you to close your eyes (but keep reading). Think of a movie with a villain in it. Preferably an action film, but it doesn't have to be. Now think about the right hand henchman of that villain. What do you see?<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8mC1sEugQyevZrwADnWMf4IISu4ZHDta8lT-6c7lB3fpmJKQtS0JABsOVeZ-BhWMWNG0asw6FhNjG5l8wi02GceIpTJsCEMRuyvmfNeYu3US3vfy2O-Gy3KF3pZBcgmgsqukkghTsWigV/s1600/trejo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8mC1sEugQyevZrwADnWMf4IISu4ZHDta8lT-6c7lB3fpmJKQtS0JABsOVeZ-BhWMWNG0asw6FhNjG5l8wi02GceIpTJsCEMRuyvmfNeYu3US3vfy2O-Gy3KF3pZBcgmgsqukkghTsWigV/s1600/trejo.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Scaring Good Guys Since 1944</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Of course that is what you see. How could you not? Danny Trejo may be the hardest working man in Hollywood, with IMDB crediting him in a completely ridiculous 241 titles. That is just about double the number of credits I can find for almost anyone else that I thought to look up (Full Disclosure: I didn't look anybody else up), and he isn't showing any signs of slowing. In 2013, he already has THIRTEEN DAMNED TITLES that he is attached to, and 2013 hasn't even started yet. It seems impossible, I know, so I began thinking to myself: how can this be? It seems like he is in too many places all at the same time. Does he never sleep?<br />
<br />
And then it dawned on me.<br />
<br />
Danny Trejo is not just one man. Danny Trejo is Triplets.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />I'm gone back and <strike>done exhaustive research</strike> tried to remember as many of his roles as possible to see if I can point out where Danny Trejo ends and Danny Trejo begins. It's a working theory, but here is what I have come up with so far.<br />
<br />
<b><u>DANNY TREJUNO</u></b><br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAm3TDc-UATmzwj5q2gqiSem1Wv07yZzwq1hxSwjLnpud2tsCskuq3CQQ95Fhst8Fz6t61TPeSQ70wUhORmcsuko5KNjJ5gONrH1kTq6m5jxODhUQjvgTFieS2EjbArYR3gzVWuSbK-xQl/s1600/trejo2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAm3TDc-UATmzwj5q2gqiSem1Wv07yZzwq1hxSwjLnpud2tsCskuq3CQQ95Fhst8Fz6t61TPeSQ70wUhORmcsuko5KNjJ5gONrH1kTq6m5jxODhUQjvgTFieS2EjbArYR3gzVWuSbK-xQl/s1600/trejo2.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Stache-less Trejo? The gods forfend.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The scene stealer. This is the Trejo who you see in the most high profile roles, eating up screen time and badassing his way into the hearts and minds of moviegoers everywhere. You probably got your first glimpse of Trejuno in From Dusk Til Dawn, Desperado, or Anaconda. But Most likely you remember him from his turn in Con Air as "Johnny-23," where he earned the distinction of being the only person ever to play a rapist and not be the creepiest character in the movie (Thanks for the nightmares, Steve Buschemi!). Although he usually plays the villain, it is said that he only agrees to sign on as the villain as long as he is going to die at the end. What a Trejero! (pronounced tray-HERE-oh)<br />
<br />
<u><b>DANNY TREDOS</b></u><br />
Much more elusive is Danny Tredos, the one that does the dirty work. He is the one you are watching when you see him turn up for an episode or two of some random television show, usually to kill somebody or attempt to kill somebody or talk about killing somebody or get killed by somebody. The truth about Tredos is that he just isn't as good of an actor as his twin brother Trejuno, and too much exposure would surely expose the ruse. Next time you are watching your favorite show and Tredos appears on the screen, be sure to raise your glass and toast him for doing what his brother won't do, and doing it well.<br />
<br />
<u><b>DANNY TRESJO</b></u><br />
Sometime around the year 2000, a strange thing happened. Nobody knows how or why, but Danny Trejo appeared in a movie, and not strictly as a villain. My "sources" (AKA brain) indicate that the third Trejo Triplet, who had shunned the acting business his whole life, was suddenly given an opportunity due to scheduling conflicts that Trejuno and Tredos had at the time. The result? the "Machete" character in Spy Kids, resulting eventually in his own movie in which finally a Trejo, ever the villain, became a hero at last. "reports" (this blog) indicate that the success of Tresjo as a movie hero has created a rift among the triplets, a score that will only be settled in a cage match whenever the trio decides to reveal their secret to the world.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHZCrFqJ7yH9lf5R2bZFUH1ZrfdlFB_1jYiw_dHKAWWGLCmz-8kcH1pNc9Nc5UEd8cBciLLZukrZHrK6kDcg8e1Qxo_8O4bsmkMm_sTkN4DLGwgFxtGXtE01CyqejF8Tt8_4g6AGyMAevb/s1600/trejo3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHZCrFqJ7yH9lf5R2bZFUH1ZrfdlFB_1jYiw_dHKAWWGLCmz-8kcH1pNc9Nc5UEd8cBciLLZukrZHrK6kDcg8e1Qxo_8O4bsmkMm_sTkN4DLGwgFxtGXtE01CyqejF8Tt8_4g6AGyMAevb/s1600/trejo3.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A true underdog story.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I know what you must be thinking right now; yes, I really did think this one through. I've covered all of the angles here, and there is no way I am wrong. Trejo is three men... unless he is actually four men, which is a theory I'm willing to entertain if not endorse. If any of you are thinking of writing the Trejos and extorting them for money in exchange for not outing them, think very carefully about what you are doing. I don't want to be the person responsible for sending Tredos back to jail.<br />
<br />
Time to test your knowledge!<br />
<br />
Match the correct Trejo to the corresponding roles:<br />
<br />
A. Trejuno Predators<br />
Anchorman<br />
B. Tredos Reindeer Games <br />
Breaking Bad<br />
C. Tresjo Modern Family<br />
<br />
Highlight the white bar for the answers!<br />
<br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: white;">A,C,A,B,B</span></span><br />
<br />Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06090865863606803172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364159206549033332.post-42533148938038751912012-12-11T15:31:00.001-08:002012-12-11T15:31:14.856-08:00Only Sort of a Review: Talk-to-TextHello everyone! I was wondering to myself recently what I should review next for the blog. A celebrity? A band perhaps? Maybe that creepy house across the street? (note to self: blog about that later.) Before I could make a definite decision on my own, I became inspired. I decided to try out the talk-to-text function on my cell phone just to see how unreliable it was, but was shocked to find that it in fact works extremely well! So now, when I find my hands full of <strike>babies rescued from fires</strike> <strike>heroically defused bombs</strike> Chick-Fil-A, I will be able to send perfectly coherent text messages without trouble!<br />
<br />
But that isn't why we are here.<br />
<br />
No, after trying all seven of George Carlin's words that you can't say on TV and discovering my phone could understand and translate them all, (even if it did censor them! What a bunch of bulls***, phone! NOT YOU TOO, BLOGGER!) the only next logical step was to see what happened when I sang at full volume into the phone. The results? F***ING PRICELESS.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRDMAocdYxpe9QFK88JlshRl7fuOGE_QvNwRDMO0NgEWvq9EPRK6mGkyUwe25_7av4auoZI9Vp3cLPo6QmfUwviGywtzJCtOX45hiFdIgWP3pEdABIkP8IaG8l5yboKZxugYcrRrJzRNhR/s1600/creed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRDMAocdYxpe9QFK88JlshRl7fuOGE_QvNwRDMO0NgEWvq9EPRK6mGkyUwe25_7av4auoZI9Vp3cLPo6QmfUwviGywtzJCtOX45hiFdIgWP3pEdABIkP8IaG8l5yboKZxugYcrRrJzRNhR/s1600/creed.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cab jew dake me hi urn? </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I want everybody else to have as much fun as I have had with Sing-to-Text technology, so I have prepared for you a helpful guide to get best results. Remember people, this is an art, not a science, and it might take you some time to figure out how to get the best results. If at any point you find yourself thinking, "Thomas, this isn't funny at all," don't panic; you are just doing it wrong. Follow my advice, and thank me later.<br />
<br />
<u><b>PREPARATION</b></u><br />
When preparing yourself for sing-to-text, it is important to consider many different variables. Where you are, who you are with, and what song you choose can all have serious effect on the outcome. Make sure that you employ at least one, but preferably multiple of the following practices when preparing:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Choose a band/singer with a distinct voice, preferably one that growls a little (Pearl Jam) or makes noises after every word for no reason (Metallica.) Basically any 90's grunge music is a slam dunk.</li>
<li>Pick a song you don't know all the words to. Sing too clearly and your smart phone will be smart enough to catch every word, and then you are just singing to your phone like a sad, lonely little weirdo.</li>
<li>Play the song in the background simultaneously. The background noise can't do anything but help to confuse your poor smart phone, while giving you a frame of reference.</li>
<li>Sing with a friend! Duets are more fun, and guaranteed to blow your phone's pitiful little mind.</li>
<li>Avoid singers with high pitch voices. In my experience, it just makes your phone give up, rendering disappointing results. </li>
</ul>
<br />
<u><b>EXECUTION</b></u><br />
Sing loud and sing proud. If you are an excellent singer, you may have to mess up a little bit on purpose, but that is just fine. Cheating you say? I say I JUST MADE UP THE RULES AND NO IT AIN'T. Don't abide by the breaks in lyrics during the song, your phone will jump on the opportunity to process what you have already sung. Sneaky bastard phone!<br />
<br />
<u><b>RESULTS</b></u><br />
This is the best part, obviously. If you did everything correctly, you should have some truly nonsensical gibberish that may also surprise you with a little bit of insight. Here are a few of my favorites that have come from the brilliant mind of my GeniusPhone.<br />
<br />
Disclaimer: I don't know song names or sometimes band names. Deal with it. <br />
<br />
<u>Alice in Chains- Rooster</u><br />
-The first one I did, on a whim. Not amazing, but I could tell there was real potential. I think it was right at the beginning of the song:<br />
"Ayn Rand no way me then here on me yeah um um her staying and when I have time"<br />
-Like I said, nothing special. But it made me try again, with:<br />
<br />
<u>Pearl Jam- Dissident(?)</u><br />
-I couldn't believe my luck when Pearl Jam was next on the radio, so I hit the sing-to-text button and let it roll. I forget which part of the song exactly this was. (I've added breaks where I feel my phone wanted them)<br />
"Oh I'm sorry were my girl/oh hell burger you're wrong"<br />
-Short and sweet. I started laughing but then realized that might actually be what Eddie Vedder is singing in that song. So I'm actually more excited about finding a method for deciphering Pearl Jam songs in the future. I moved on to an old standby next, singing right over the radio.<br />
<br />
<u>Creed- Higher</u><br />
-Just when you thought Creed didn't have anything to offer: <br />
"Where to go/ order of banana man dollars/ damn come on and go/ order of worms/ girl on girl"<br />
-JACKPOT. <br />
<br />
<u>Creed- Higher attempt #2</u><br />
"Can you heard me to your house on girl who are birds/ brine beer on the ear"<br />
-This is where I figure my phone became GeniusPhone. It has deciphered Creed, and here you can see Creed admits to being a form of torture: "Brine beer on the ear." Good work phone, you've cracked the code!<br />
<br />
I did a couple more, but I'm bored of writing this.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><u><b>ABRUPT ENDING</b></u></span> <br />
<br />Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06090865863606803172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364159206549033332.post-83603997062293703122012-12-03T20:01:00.000-08:002012-12-03T20:01:12.916-08:00A Review of Grocery ShoppingI'm going to go ahead and end any suspense there may be on this post, and tell you that I absolutely hate grocery shopping, so any grocery store enthusiasts there may be wandering on to this blog, you may want to turn around now.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9aVufw8nMGwbjyL2tlZN6lgF9yM_RXZkf3PkEUTrggl_Vo2DcrVROIiSsjwUaIEwrLVkCMIIbaj2Ikt5L0eYApw8U1VAcKUyaB25-iOXuwf8BX6keNZwoxvTicYJ20Rwwzj1CyC_6m3Eu/s1600/andre.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9aVufw8nMGwbjyL2tlZN6lgF9yM_RXZkf3PkEUTrggl_Vo2DcrVROIiSsjwUaIEwrLVkCMIIbaj2Ikt5L0eYApw8U1VAcKUyaB25-iOXuwf8BX6keNZwoxvTicYJ20Rwwzj1CyC_6m3Eu/s1600/andre.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">How people look at you when you say you like grocery shopping.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I'm willing to admit that this is probably a personal fault of mine, but I simply can't help it. I have some kind of mental block that prevents me from acting like a normal human being once I get inside a grocery store. The circumstances of the visit don't matter, nor do the people who I go with. Once I cross that threshold, I suddenly devolve into A. An 11 year old child or B. a severely undermedicated basket case. I'm assuming there was some kind of repressed trauma in my past buried deep in the recesses of my psyche that my family won't tell me about. So what was it, family? WHAT HAPPENED AT THE FOOD LION?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf8h4VKXTLxw67drftJKXhLNIoD2BfKUVC1LLQByOskUzR_xQUOXappe-V7BtzxC9nLbHmJTUr1DQcxSoqqpUPEqhCbWukzRy0SfYizD1ivoRUTlG-LUMeoJzjYj7-kqezd1DlDWfosdRA/s1600/grocery+store.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf8h4VKXTLxw67drftJKXhLNIoD2BfKUVC1LLQByOskUzR_xQUOXappe-V7BtzxC9nLbHmJTUr1DQcxSoqqpUPEqhCbWukzRy0SfYizD1ivoRUTlG-LUMeoJzjYj7-kqezd1DlDWfosdRA/s320/grocery+store.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">5 year old me may or may not be buried under there.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I've found that I have a hard time explaining just how much I hate grocery shopping to people, but that won't stop me from trying. I think my best bet will be to walk you through a standard grocery store experience, step by excruciating step. Am I overreacting? Yuuuuup. And I'll be overreacting in CAPITAL LETTERS a lot too. To make this most realistic, I'm going to walk you through it as though my roommate, who I will refer to as Lars Barnarnars, is with me for the trip, since I don't often brave the grocery store alone.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">THE F<span style="font-size: large;">OLLOW<span style="font-size: large;">ING EVENTS TAKE PLACE</span></span></span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;">EVERY SINGLE TIME I GO TO THE GROCERY</span></span></span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;">STORE EVER. </span></span></span></b></div>
<br />
<b><u>ARRIVAL:</u></b> I'm already upset by the parking lot situation. Everybody walks a little bit slower in a grocery store parking lot, every car parked a little bit worse. Nobody looks when they pull out of their spaces, and that old lady is walking RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD INSTEAD OF OFF TO THE SIDE LIKE REGULAR HUMAN UGH. OK I'm sorry I'm sorry, I'm getting upset already. Inevitably we park much farther away than we should, and trudge sullenly into the grocery store of choice (please god not Food Lion).<br />
<br />
<u><b>FRUITS/VEGETABLES:</b></u> After wrestling free a shopping cart from the long row of carts, getting some unidentifiable gunk all over yourself from the handle and getting another cart, you realize that your new cart is WORSE THAN THE FIRST CART RRAARRGH. It's probably got the gunk from the first cart, as well as a bad wheel, and probably a moldy McDonalds cup or somebody's lost child in it. If I were by myself, I would hastily grab several apples, a bundle of bananas, and some lettuce and move on. Thankfully Lars Barnarnars is there to calmly and carefully select an appropriate array of fruits and vegetables for the next couple of weeks while swatting my hand as I reach for the croutons and craisins. She'll thank me for the practice when she has some kids.<br />
<br />
<u><b>MEATS:</b></u> As the roomate takes care of the ground beef and chicken situation, I swagger confidently (Sons of Anarchy style) to the hot dogs/sandwich meats section; here is something I can handle. The selection:<br />
<ol>
<li>One 8 pack of hot dogs, Ball Park. All beef franks, or honestly whatever the hell hot dogs you want. It's all the same.</li>
<li>1 pack sliced turkey</li>
<li>1 pack sliced roast beef</li>
<li>1 pack sliced ham (optional)</li>
</ol>
Feeling pleased with myself over my poor food choices, I rejoin Lars Barnarnars who bought us real food that we won't be ashamed to eat later. No unnecessary capital letters for this leg of the journey.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjN2FbH8HXsjvnqwhbZuQJVSjKJBOnhPUrZIpg-gKX0PrdoZhV3SXZZaEBJUOM4jez0JU5H1O7MojasTqRQdBxSGxAr0EWWCteECd5SEk4OjEsSWJ-DaUFzmLg5fCTnfhbqgdbvxt6-VCB0/s1600/gold+toothbrush.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="55" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjN2FbH8HXsjvnqwhbZuQJVSjKJBOnhPUrZIpg-gKX0PrdoZhV3SXZZaEBJUOM4jez0JU5H1O7MojasTqRQdBxSGxAr0EWWCteECd5SEk4OjEsSWJ-DaUFzmLg5fCTnfhbqgdbvxt6-VCB0/s320/gold+toothbrush.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What I expect to find in every toothbrush box.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<u><b>PERSONAL HYGIENE:</b></u> ARM AND LEG SPENT ON SHAMPOOS, SOAPS, TOOTHBRUSH- RRRAAAAGGGEE!!<br />
<br />
<br />
<u><b>WHATEVER IS NEXT. CEREAL? BEANS OR SOMETHING?:</b></u> Confronted by an impossible selection of delicious cereals (not even Lars can save me here), I go in to total shutdown mode. I make what is probably the worst possible selection health wise (BEST OPTION DELICIOUS WISE) and throw it dejectedly into someone else's grocery cart. Peanut butter has also been bought, which makes me vaguely happy.<br />
<br />
<u><b>SALAD DRESSING:</b></u> The only time where my roommate steers me wrong. I think we generally spend an hour here as she carefully chooses the most healthy and probably very delicious choice. I'm unwilling to accept her sage advice, grabbing <strike>some random vinaigrette</strike> <span style="font-size: xx-small;">ranch <span style="font-size: xx-small;">dressing<span style="font-size: small;"> and moving on.</span></span></span><br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWCXlsvM-ZwcmSxpZ-beNV3wlJQrRFnKxlda8ws0AFUnGHhLtTNjoj4GYFZ-sxcwQP9jD1n0nBku2b7ZyNR_wSdrXbHcW0uxwEkDUmC0pzGNxtWbvtd_StPYX3lwfOgfLcuY40C8cqYSJZ/s1600/doughnut+goblin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="138" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWCXlsvM-ZwcmSxpZ-beNV3wlJQrRFnKxlda8ws0AFUnGHhLtTNjoj4GYFZ-sxcwQP9jD1n0nBku2b7ZyNR_wSdrXbHcW0uxwEkDUmC0pzGNxtWbvtd_StPYX3lwfOgfLcuY40C8cqYSJZ/s200/doughnut+goblin.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Free at last, Dobby picked up a second job as Doughnut Goblin</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b><u>CHEESE:</u></b><span style="font-size: small;"> T<span style="font-size: small;">he only acceptable choice here is <span style="font-size: small;">"everything." The room<span style="font-size: small;">mate
will not allow us to buy one of each, but an acceptable compromise of
"lots of cheese" is reached. I try to sneak doughnuts into the cart but<span style="font-size: small;"> they miraculously disappear when my back is turned. Touche, <span style="font-size: small;">doughnut<span style="font-size: small;"> goblin, touche.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><u><b>BREAD/CHIPS:</b></u> Sensing the end, I <span style="font-size: small;">devolve from 11 year old to 6 year old with ADHD. The shins and ankles of <span style="font-size: small;">Lars Barnarnars <span style="font-size: small;">become a victim of blunt force trauma <span style="font-size: small;">w<span style="font-size: small;">ith a</span></span> shopping cart. <span style="font-size: small;">Everyone is very impressed by the authentic<span style="font-size: small;">ity of the trumpet<span style="font-size: small;"> and race<span style="font-size: small;"> car noises I'm making with my mouth, and also how far I can ride the cart without touching my feet to the ground. BBQ chips please<span style="font-size: small;">.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><u><b>CHECKOUT:</b></u> My face becomes more and more frowny as the total climbs ever higher. Bagging is a whole new frustration, usually best left to the professionals.<span style="font-size: small;"> If the roommate is present, I usually meander over to the Red<span style="font-size: small;">box and don't get anything while <span style="font-size: small;">Lars handles the business. <span style="font-size: small;">Check is in the mail, <span style="font-size: small;">Ms. Barnarnars!</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><u><b>THE END:</b></u> Unparal<span style="font-size: small;">leled joy. The ordeal is over, and I have food for my own refrigerator that I <span style="font-size: small;">have to PREPARE in order to EAT I<span style="font-size: small;">T like SOME KIND OF<span style="font-size: small;"> IRON CHEF AMERICA. Oh no, the pain of the grocery store never ends. Never.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">So, i<span style="font-size: small;">n c<span style="font-size: small;">ase it w<span style="font-size: small;">asn't clear enough, here <span style="font-size: small;">are the scores of the grocery stor<span style="font-size: small;">e experience:</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Grocery store- TERRIBLE out of TERRIBLE. Because it's TERRIBLE.</span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span> Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06090865863606803172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364159206549033332.post-22809749396069414232012-11-28T18:16:00.000-08:002012-11-28T18:16:29.385-08:00An Old News Reviews Guide to Christmas MoviesClearly, CLEARLY it is winter time. You know what I hate about winter? Pretty much everything except snow (as long as it melts within 2 days), sports (as long as the Panthers/Blue Devils are good), my bed (which I like all the time), and watching <span style="background-color: lime;"><span style="color: red;">Christmas</span></span> movies. Even as I sit here typing, I have been defeated by a <i>mild</i> winter day. It's colder than I like in my apartment for shorts, but I hate wearing jeans. The end result is I'm wearing pajama pants, which is the universal symbol for giving up for the day. Thanks alot Winter!<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsTxzvw6A-ozmTaZAUo9rPTUy5oJ6zrBs5NwricztyfAVUxar3JFOr07GEWKPwcNv5ktKqwF_oP0hywOi2q2GYmxE2VH043VH_PnLutMTOaDEBE2ZNOYlMzbjes7hgw4fKTGiKWxz8DDyP/s1600/old+man+winter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsTxzvw6A-ozmTaZAUo9rPTUy5oJ6zrBs5NwricztyfAVUxar3JFOr07GEWKPwcNv5ktKqwF_oP0hywOi2q2GYmxE2VH043VH_PnLutMTOaDEBE2ZNOYlMzbjes7hgw4fKTGiKWxz8DDyP/s1600/old+man+winter.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This poster is not harsh enough.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
That being said, I've curled up in my bed, wearing pajama pants and socks (GRR SOCKS, REALLY??), waiting for my beloved Blue Devils to <strike>beat</strike> <strike>play</strike> appear against an Ohio State team that beat them by like 75 last year, so what better to do to kill time than watch one of my favorite <span style="background-color: lime;"><span style="color: red;">Christmas</span></span> movies? Many of you must have come to a similar conclusion in recent days, only to find you are asking yourself: But which movie? Have no fear, joyful revelers, Old News Reviews is here to help you make your decision!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Below I have compiled a list of <b>THE BEST</b> <span style="background-color: lime;"><span style="color: red;">Christmas</span></span> movies around, and which personalities match up with them best. This is, figuratively, the greatest list of it's kind ever forged. Believe in my list and ye shall find holiday joy <span style="font-size: xx-small;">or you won't but <span style="font-size: xx-small;">only because you are a scroogey buzzkill.<span style="font-size: xx-small;"> <span style="font-size: small;">Without further ado, here is the list!</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><u><span style="font-size: small;"><b>FOR THE CHRISTMAS ENTHUSIAST<span style="font-size: small;">: ELF</span></b></span></u></span></span></span></span><br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIrcXzbWVE324lXR3Pr9a2HklGp1u40ZsEcIGpOxzqt9_gPe5CLjTmI4GTnDGP7pUJfG6tppqXDrvwMyHjiTu-yJUCL5Y4ClvSTlFLePyBiAaI8_RyUm8zGimjNJe557PpInpBQK0b4Q3e/s1600/Elf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIrcXzbWVE324lXR3Pr9a2HklGp1u40ZsEcIGpOxzqt9_gPe5CLjTmI4GTnDGP7pUJfG6tppqXDrvwMyHjiTu-yJUCL5Y4ClvSTlFLePyBiAaI8_RyUm8zGimjNJe557PpInpBQK0b4Q3e/s1600/Elf.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><u><span style="font-size: small;">S<span style="font-size: small;">YNOPSIS-</span></span></u><span style="font-size: small;"> Deranged human wanders the streets of New York City, breaking laws and creeping out the locals<span style="font-size: small;">, a<span style="font-size: small;">ccumulating <span style="font-size: small;">a<span style="font-size: small;">n impressive array of crimes commit<span style="font-size: small;">ted along the way,<span style="font-size: small;"> including: B<span style="font-size: small;">reaking and entering, jaywalking, peeping, assault, <span style="font-size: small;">resisting arrest, stalking, and probabl<span style="font-size: small;">y some others that I have forgotten. <span style="font-size: small;"><u><span style="font-size: small;">THE QUOTE-</span></u><span style="font-size: small;"> "I love smiling, smiling's my favorite"</span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> <u>T<span style="font-size: small;">HE ENDING-</span></u><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> Buddy saves <span style="background-color: lime;"><span style="color: red;">Christma</span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: lime;"><span style="color: red;">s</span></span><span style="font-size: small;">, becomes accepted<span style="font-size: small;"> by skepti<span style="font-size: small;">cal <span style="font-size: small;">Debbie Downers, <span style="font-size: small;">left to terrorize New York uninhibited.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b><u>FOR THE CLOSET CHRISTMAS LOVER: BAD SANTA</u></b></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6joHWXO5QfEknhqeKEiOADNYHTKeGSWFfX4mcNkENHjdIOuJI5y6kJRVu5lz6gD0S3ECcoZIG_KheS7v-jwap-9Nf-9h1VIlfzKLrXm3KVRyMxlKARjDYslh4-SRNctXQxglsLEz-68yo/s1600/bad+santa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6joHWXO5QfEknhqeKEiOADNYHTKeGSWFfX4mcNkENHjdIOuJI5y6kJRVu5lz6gD0S3ECcoZIG_KheS7v-jwap-9Nf-9h1VIlfzKLrXm3KVRyMxlKARjDYslh4-SRNctXQxglsLEz-68yo/s1600/bad+santa.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A Christmas Miracle: Somebody kisses Billy Bob</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<u><span style="font-size: small;">S<span style="font-size: small;">YNOPSIS-</span></span></u><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span>World's Worst Human Being poses as Santa Claus with World's Worst 1/2 Human Being to break into department store vaults every <span style="background-color: red;"><span style="color: lime;">Christmas</span></span>. But this time IT'S DIFFERENT because he meets Fat Moron Child and Hot Bartender w/ Santa Fetish. Hilarity, swearing, violence, <span style="background-color: red;"><span style="color: lime;">Christmas</span></span> Spirit ensue.<br />
<u>THE QUOTE-</u> "I'M ON MY FUCKING LUNCH BREAK!" (with some salad)<br />
<u>THE ENDING-</u> Fat Moron Child gets what he has always wanted, Worlds Worst Human Being gets what he deserves, Hot Bartender gets a Hot Tub.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<u><b>FOR THE CHILD AT HEART: HOME ALONE</b></u><br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgi7jSus05Tv4wlODHqCXuGqlbKg6Kj_TC_wxa2XKkGitaez4-s41jve0Sb6R-nkabL28IDRtCLIYq3W2Cue_ee3VIlQ8W9xav2IAcOiwFJn_Bck1xwotWpki4mfAexnq0IJi-BhUteqKz-/s1600/Home+Alone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgi7jSus05Tv4wlODHqCXuGqlbKg6Kj_TC_wxa2XKkGitaez4-s41jve0Sb6R-nkabL28IDRtCLIYq3W2Cue_ee3VIlQ8W9xav2IAcOiwFJn_Bck1xwotWpki4mfAexnq0IJi-BhUteqKz-/s1600/Home+Alone.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">*SPOILER* The Bad Guys Win</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<u>SYNOPSIS-</u><b> </b>Bad parenting leaves young Kevin "Home Alone" for days as the family tries everything but the calling the house phone in a fruitless effort to contact/reunite with their child. Enter the Wet Bandits; bumbling, evil thieves who wish to steal all of the valuables from the unwitting McAlister clan. Instead, they receive a brutal beating at the hands of a 9 ish year old boy that would certainly kill many times over anyone who wasn't some form of demi-god.<br />
<br />
<u>THE QUOTE-</u> "Look what ya did, you little jerk!"<br />
<u>THE ENDING-</u> Demi-gods are slain by simple snow shovel, bad parents resume bad parenting, Buzz has ugly girlfriend- Woof!<br />
<br />
<u><b>FOR THE UNINTERESTED: A DOUBLE FEATURE!! DIE HARD & ROCKY IV</b></u><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYEVIZk6-ay_chKaDbXx3fMj0oMZw2ezH-FdzsrYjl4D4iT_DG79KLNXF8LlSiexQkHlKugQUO_CRD9GkSksb28qSigPxhKsNXZ_9JzgUckM9RtTq4UCfnWAqsuSbvGY5hkVCzFLDeFqgJ/s1600/die+hard.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: small;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYEVIZk6-ay_chKaDbXx3fMj0oMZw2ezH-FdzsrYjl4D4iT_DG79KLNXF8LlSiexQkHlKugQUO_CRD9GkSksb28qSigPxhKsNXZ_9JzgUckM9RtTq4UCfnWAqsuSbvGY5hkVCzFLDeFqgJ/s1600/die+hard.jpg" /></span></a></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj84M9Ma0FbtKStNKvVyUnmXHzwUS17eYa71Ww0ecpejgvTv_RS37VbZNp0hKyvZmv3-c1sfLOk70VWlyCqBVzpG7dIwef7Cpy-4em_8bct04cpKk-fC5kr7fJI9fc2OMKSYuqpmnkbNDKK/s1600/rock+iv+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj84M9Ma0FbtKStNKvVyUnmXHzwUS17eYa71Ww0ecpejgvTv_RS37VbZNp0hKyvZmv3-c1sfLOk70VWlyCqBVzpG7dIwef7Cpy-4em_8bct04cpKk-fC5kr7fJI9fc2OMKSYuqpmnkbNDKK/s1600/rock+iv+2.jpg" /></a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<u>SYNOPSIS-</u> A single man fights against overwhelming odds, pushing forward only through strength of will and pure determination. Fighting for the love of his woman on <span style="background-color: lime;"><span style="color: red;">Christmas Day</span></span> our hero is spurred on by the death of a friend and the hands of a cruel European villain who seemingly has all of the advantages. Heeding the words of his mentor, the hero is brutalized throughout the film, taking more punishment than any man should be able. At the last possible moment, when things seem most dire, the hero is able to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat, winning one for every Regular Joe out there with a badge and some boxing gloves... hmm.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<u>THE QUOTE(s)-</u> "Yippee Ki-yay mother fucker" & "If you can change... and I can change... everybody can change!"</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<u>THE ENDING-</u> Good guys win, bad guys lose, everybody has a merry <span style="background-color: red;"><span style="color: lime;">Christmas</span></span>. But only by accident, don't worry people who don't care. They just happen to have a happy result on <span style="background-color: lime;"><span style="color: red;">Christmas</span></span> day, OK?</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
OK Folks, there you have it. Didn't see your personality type on that list? Well guess what? I'm not a shrink. Take your weird personality somewhere else. But for the rest of you, rest assured you can;t go wrong with these <span style="background-color: lime;"><span style="color: red;">Christmas</span></span> titles. So Snuggle up in your bed, get your winter-hatin' pants on, and enjoy the show(s). </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Oh yeah, some awards.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
BEST DUET: Elf</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
MOST CRINGEWORTHY SCENE: Die Hard- glass in the foot (home alone nail in the foot is runner up)</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
BEST SCREAM: Home Alone- spider on the face</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
BEST MONTAGE: Rocky IV- if you said Home Alone, YOU ARE WRONG</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
BEST <strike>MIDGET</strike> LITTLE PERSON FALL- Bad Santa- Seriously, just watch it and tell me you didn't think of a wooden rocking horse. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifbWbCcXz38WuzebWNbfySFmQC7kXtYclsWA25u02-YOuMGFSneLirGLUFuGgNGsgnES8RXBpAuUJcYzE9wWCnvRrhFY9RV77oN6v6hIwV5mG4lgeNB3XWEm-70nJ9wOCALg8ieP2CbmJB/s1600/rocky+iv.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifbWbCcXz38WuzebWNbfySFmQC7kXtYclsWA25u02-YOuMGFSneLirGLUFuGgNGsgnES8RXBpAuUJcYzE9wWCnvRrhFY9RV77oN6v6hIwV5mG4lgeNB3XWEm-70nJ9wOCALg8ieP2CbmJB/s1600/rocky+iv.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><br /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifbWbCcXz38WuzebWNbfySFmQC7kXtYclsWA25u02-YOuMGFSneLirGLUFuGgNGsgnES8RXBpAuUJcYzE9wWCnvRrhFY9RV77oN6v6hIwV5mG4lgeNB3XWEm-70nJ9wOCALg8ieP2CbmJB/s1600/rocky+iv.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><br /></a></div>
Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06090865863606803172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364159206549033332.post-2978079298416894372012-11-27T18:25:00.001-08:002012-11-27T18:25:24.238-08:00So this one time I made a blog, then made a couple of posts on said blog, then gave up on it. But guess what lucky reader<strike>s</strike>? I GOT BORED and now you get to read THIS IMPORTANT REVIEW! It's been so long that this blog itself <i>has become old news</i>. I'm so meta, I just can't handle myself sometimes.<br />
<br />
To kick off the return of my blog, I have chosen to review my latest and most current netflix obsession: Sons of Anarchy. Why this show, you may ask? You didn't ask did you? Because I don't have a legitimate answer so stop bothering me.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEje3iOcqiYi4-nlT1FiRIw3nB_UEMZgeQ_ib58CFM12xlWxVRfkef3Bs-dEkqX33R2C2pHejQlWe3tO79WzuWfCI5SJyLyGALgCJI4BOQWA2RT3fVreh5IkJTd4QGqIG2NsM6xoAqyEJ1Ls/s1600/sons+of+anarchy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEje3iOcqiYi4-nlT1FiRIw3nB_UEMZgeQ_ib58CFM12xlWxVRfkef3Bs-dEkqX33R2C2pHejQlWe3tO79WzuWfCI5SJyLyGALgCJI4BOQWA2RT3fVreh5IkJTd4QGqIG2NsM6xoAqyEJ1Ls/s1600/sons+of+anarchy.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I hate to be the one to tell you this Mr. Grim Reaper, but "assault rifle scythe" is stupid.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
For those of you who are unfamiliar, Sons of Anarchy is a show about a ragtag band of misfits who ride around on motorcycles in a town called Charming, committing every violent crime there is and running a gun selling operation, all with minimal consequences. These are supposed to be the good guys, by the way, who only do what they do "for the good of Charming," and to "Keep the drugs out of Charming." Just to recap:<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidXmPgRw10JLgYvF2R8FqkttL6HckyARqiHLeBZTT5klrsNUhyfko3p_EdXjmqOLCvZrqLVzOpDTbFpAJ8xJPTzNXk54qeg_LNwJsC7BuFAcgy1IYO4ysuit4ddP8nJ1m_ZZShgsYc-Ys_/s1600/Thumbs+Down.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidXmPgRw10JLgYvF2R8FqkttL6HckyARqiHLeBZTT5klrsNUhyfko3p_EdXjmqOLCvZrqLVzOpDTbFpAJ8xJPTzNXk54qeg_LNwJsC7BuFAcgy1IYO4ysuit4ddP8nJ1m_ZZShgsYc-Ys_/s1600/Thumbs+Down.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">DRUGS!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggGwExcTVnaIaLx7EhLhxLGV3UFf1HV3A6EGdqr4sdeGeppglniCYAVodA77Mljd6Y_fY44y6ZU5YEDWa8pxyS8QdB0Q10MGDlMUjSLZv6yFwt0NHhlLK9XSkODhbL2SgooSw7R3dUT94Z/s1600/Thumbs+Up.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="142" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggGwExcTVnaIaLx7EhLhxLGV3UFf1HV3A6EGdqr4sdeGeppglniCYAVodA77Mljd6Y_fY44y6ZU5YEDWa8pxyS8QdB0Q10MGDlMUjSLZv6yFwt0NHhlLK9XSkODhbL2SgooSw7R3dUT94Z/s200/Thumbs+Up.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"> GUNS!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
They've sure got their priorities straight! For those of you thinking about watching the show, I'm going to give you a quick run-down of the major characters, and their best and worst traits. Hopefully this will help you make up your mind.<br />
<br />
<u><b>BEST</b> <b>WORST</b></u><br />
<ul>
<li>Clay- He's Ron Perlman He has Ron Perlman's face</li>
<li>Jax- The "Good Guy' Uncontrollable Swagger Walk</li>
<li>Gemma- Strong Female Presence Meddlesome MEDDLESOME UGH</li>
<li>Tara- Pretty? Doctor? uh... hmmm. "WAAAHH I'M SO CONFLICTED" </li>
<li>Opie- Epic Beardface Epic Saaaadface</li>
<li>Tig- Wild Card Creepy As All Hell</li>
<li>Bobby- The Conscience of the Group Fat Elvis </li>
<li>Chibs- Irish Gnarly Face Scarring</li>
<li style="text-align: left;">Juice- Most Upbeat Character They Never Tell us What <i>Kind </i>of Juice</li>
<li style="text-align: left;">Piney- Oxygen Tank Gangster He's a Surly Old Coot </li>
</ul>
Preeeetty much all anyone needs to know about anyone on the show. Did I leave a couple out? I did. Do I plan on fixing that? WHY DON'T YOU F$*!ING FIX IT, GAHHH!<br />
<br />
With that important information, I'm sure you are rushing to whichever device has your Netflix instant on it, but not so fast! I have a few pieces of helpful advice that you should heed before diving in.<br />
<br />
1: Pay careful attention to how you walk after watching the show. Don't let the ultra-swagger rub off on you.<br />
2: When you start wondering to yourself "Who the hell is Sam Crow," I'm here to help. It's a bird that the whole motorcycle club worships to behind closed doors. You won't see it until season 2.<br />
3: Bad news: You will never stop thinking of Bobby as the guy who stole falafel from the street vendor in Batman Begins.<br />
4: DON'T try counting how many man-hugs happen on the show, I lost count at around 100,000. DO make sure you have your man-hug technique down. Arms diagonal, boys, arms diagonal. Two slaps on the back.<br />
5: There will be lots of motorcycle chases. *SPOILER ALERT* Motorcycle chases are boring!<br />
<br />
I'm going back to watching Sons of Anarchy now. Hopefully there will be more reviews to follow, but in the meantime here are the scores!<br />
<br />
Shootouts that go unnoticed: 10/10<br />
Trustworthiness & Honesty: 0/10<br />
Bad Decisions: 11/10<br />
Roundtable Voting: High<br />
Sudden Character Death: Abundant <br />
<br />Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06090865863606803172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364159206549033332.post-32995006265256304812011-06-12T18:16:00.000-07:002011-06-12T18:16:29.795-07:00A Review of Some Things People SayThose of you who have spent any amount of time with me have probably noticed that there isn't much you can say that will offend me. I tend to make some crude and off-color remarks, as do my friends, so it would be unfair of me to be offended if I heard someone else do the same. That being said, there are plenty of phrases that I have come to realize bother. the. SHIT out of me. Words or phrases that I wish could be removed entirely from the English language. Alas, I have not that power, so what I will do instead is bring them all up here so that people will kindly stop using them when I am around. No way will this backfire.<br />
<br />
Let just jump right into this shall we?<br />
<br />
<ol><li>"<b>Tour de Force</b>." I'm sure many of you have read or heard a review when somebody used this one. As in 'Tom Cruises performance was a <b>tour de force!'</b> What this is essentially saying is 'Hay guys I didn't have time to watch this movie, but I can't have Tom Cruise mad at me soooo... tour de force?' If I see this statement used, I feel compelled to ignore every opinion this person ever has, or ever has had. So yeah, I kinda don't like that one.</li>
<li>"<b>Rom-Com</b>." Yes, Yes I get it. Its a <b>Rom</b>antic <b>Com</b>edy. How very descriptive and short in comparison! If only you could avoid sounding like a total douche factory when you said it.</li>
<li><b>"Douche Factory"</b> I take it back.</li>
<li>"<b>Frenemies." </b>Alright, I like slamming two words together as much as the next guy, if not more so, but this is just going too far. It doesn't make any sense! It DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. Please note that if you say this to me in person, for at least 24 hours you will look and sound like that total <strike>douche factory</strike> asshole Zach(k) Braff, which means I will probably try to sucker punch you at my earliest convenience.</li>
<li>"<b>You would be surprised."</b> When people presume that I would be surprised, I feel like I am obligated to give them their own surprise. *spoiler alert!* My surprise rhymes with Doop in your Dillowcase.<span id="goog_1845406429"></span><span id="goog_1845406430"></span></li>
<li>"<b>Hey, you are sunburned."</b> As though the person does not notice that they have not only turned a different color than they have been for their entire life, but also that they will be forced to walk around in a painful, sweaty, irritating reminder of the fact that they were too lazy or careless or stupid to do 10 minutes of preparation. I have to assume that you tell other people because you are too much of a dead-to-the-world idiot to realize your own skin is burned, so you feel like you are doing people a favor. </li>
</ol><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwbzNRN0lR2ynfifDwXcX5etpcvTU3m-AKAWgpsUiRuHL8kPp-zmACNktQNYEGXum0NU4C-ZzllyQ01Cjk3Z-LbWYFiJVuSu9D6Jq0jkrtU3lsipUrG6EJbiOXhDZlej97npx63bpVtNFi/s1600/Sunburn.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwbzNRN0lR2ynfifDwXcX5etpcvTU3m-AKAWgpsUiRuHL8kPp-zmACNktQNYEGXum0NU4C-ZzllyQ01Cjk3Z-LbWYFiJVuSu9D6Jq0jkrtU3lsipUrG6EJbiOXhDZlej97npx63bpVtNFi/s1600/Sunburn.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">He knows.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
I guess that is enough for now. There are more, but I already have those six to look forward to hearing twice as much now because my friends are evil people and I'm too stupid not to post this. Just to balance things out, here are a few things that I do enjoy hearing:<br />
<br />
"Yes you can have this money"<br />
Anything by They Might Be Giants<br />
"Braves win"<br />
"Blunderbuss"<br />
"Dollar Tacos"<br />
"Starring Bruce Willis" <br />
<br />
yeah.Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06090865863606803172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364159206549033332.post-83419045652206061772011-01-25T17:41:00.000-08:002011-01-25T17:44:56.041-08:00Team review: 2010 Carolina Panthers. Comedy or Horror?I'm baaaack! Now that I am slightly less obsessed with Call of Duty: Black Ops, I again have some extra time to devote to equally pointless affairs like this here blog here. Lucky you!<br />
<br />
I would like to speak today about my beloved Carolina Panthers, 2010 version. Obviously the first question that may pop into your head is: Why waste all those words? Because they are hilariously, horrifically bad, that's why. But are they more hilarious, or are they just scary bad? Lets take a look.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXol5WzIZ9eepA-2d3ye9idc3nMPHE1LSXvY-KYo5yKuMyh0tUoHIrmfu13qOeIlBXS2ItM4pURFLimTr5Pq4jLqMKt7Nnj55lckyf0ENsWq5icRSxvGI4zJR6eGovZEBrZYBjtv2ir4Vf/s1600/Clausen.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXol5WzIZ9eepA-2d3ye9idc3nMPHE1LSXvY-KYo5yKuMyh0tUoHIrmfu13qOeIlBXS2ItM4pURFLimTr5Pq4jLqMKt7Nnj55lckyf0ENsWq5icRSxvGI4zJR6eGovZEBrZYBjtv2ir4Vf/s1600/Clausen.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jimmy Clausen: Guest of Honor at Douche Hair conference 2010</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<br />
<u><b>PRESEASON</b></u><br />
Perhaps even during the preseason we should have seen the warning signs about what was to come. Perhaps many of us did, and chose to ignore them. Perhaps everyone kept mentioning what a rough year it was going to be and I told them Matt Moore was gonna do fine... oh hilarity. Here are just a few of the preseason indicators that should have told me otherwise:<br />
<u><b> </b></u><br />
<ol><li>See above photo... we drafted that guy? They really dug deep looking for a football player who doesn't look like he's ever played football. Surprise! He Hasn't! </li>
<li>Steve Smith breaks his arm playing FLAG football. Ho..ly... shit.</li>
<li>Matt Moore is a starting quarterback. HOLY SHIT.</li>
<li>Panthers 0-4 in preseason, fail to score an offensive touchdown. Just lying low I'm sure.....? Please? </li>
<li>Jerome Bettis picks Panthers as worst team in the league. HOLY... waitaminute we should take him seriously? You do now, dontcha Panther fans!</li>
</ol><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvUCOa0rqTn0vxNyZjVngm3tTojn7uU6KwfoUoVJoIR9bNG4CyTvnwFZY77_-2P2DC54GMsLFI9CxDJY_znXes6iZ1dF7LnZVk9MLFdYSSJ3G72ezMVHyMPXgr2UfDzrdvaFOUNoftGkI6/s1600/Bettis.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvUCOa0rqTn0vxNyZjVngm3tTojn7uU6KwfoUoVJoIR9bNG4CyTvnwFZY77_-2P2DC54GMsLFI9CxDJY_znXes6iZ1dF7LnZVk9MLFdYSSJ3G72ezMVHyMPXgr2UfDzrdvaFOUNoftGkI6/s1600/Bettis.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Who's laughin' now, bitches?!?</td></tr>
</tbody></table> <u><b>The Season Begins</b></u><br />
Let's ignore that amazing preseason everybody. Its a new year, Matt Moore has shown he can play. Right? He's gotta be better than Jake Delhomme last year, right? Right?!?!<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">WRONG! IDIOTS! HAH!</span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: small;">Believe it or not, just a couple weeks into the season we would be begging for ol' Jake back, or at least a quarterback change. Let's see that new guy! The one who looks like a guy I would love to <strike>punch in the face have as a quarterback </strike>cast as the mean jock in a high school dramedy! Too much credit still? Maybe more like the mean jock's silent, ugly friend? Yes that suits him better.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: small;"><u><b>Game 5: The Season Ends.</b></u></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: small;">Oh yes, here the season ended. Now I might be wrong about which game Clausen entered the starting lineup, but make no mistake: As soon as that happened, this sham of a season of football was definitively over. It wasn't so much that our buddy Jimmy Pickle threw too many interceptions, like his predecessors Delhomme and Moore, but it was more the fact that he couldn't handle a snap or convert a first down. It was around this time, I might also add, that DeAngelo Williams went down with an injury, never to return. Jonathan Stewart seemed to have a mild case of "Itis" for most of the season as well. Probably neither of them wanted to get their hands dirty from all of the Turds That Jimmy Threw.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><strike><br />
</strike></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: small;">Where is Steve Smith during all this? Well, Matt Moore seemed to find him ok, in the Pre-Claussen era. 3 touchdowns in the first 3 games... yay fantasy football! Then, the dark Claussen Days fell upon us. Steve Smith literally didn't touch the ball for the rest of the season (don't look that up). Sooo... top three scorers from last year a non-factor? Check. Worst quarterback in the league? Check. Most irritatingly enthusiastic head coach in the face of utter ineptitude? Double check.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjkKcTM-z8uZyLwXC987JGZ_00ajZ9WZFnwDPKErPZs9J_swqbInN6wejHdcWpo7400FLY0i5rB2CjBJ90qQntZk_o3nAZ0SKGVLPqpGZJG0CFH4Xin6yLLZf7AVwxuq8YnwEanLMm9rOR/s1600/John+Fox.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjkKcTM-z8uZyLwXC987JGZ_00ajZ9WZFnwDPKErPZs9J_swqbInN6wejHdcWpo7400FLY0i5rB2CjBJ90qQntZk_o3nAZ0SKGVLPqpGZJG0CFH4Xin6yLLZf7AVwxuq8YnwEanLMm9rOR/s1600/John+Fox.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The fantastic Mr. Fox, celebrating an exceptional lack of talent.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: small;"> <u><b>After the season:</b></u></span></div><div style="text-align: left;">I would like to take a quick moment to thank Andrew Luck for running scared away from our number 1 pick. Honestly man, I don't blame you. But that won't stop me from making fun of you... eh screw it, good call man. And Ron Riveira? Good luck with that quarterback you don't have, hope it works out real well for ya. And since I feel like it, I would like to leave you with one parting shot at man of the year Jimmy Claussen, as a thank you for ruining our season.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><strike><br />
</strike></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9RDAkz8gP-1wxiTF7TUxxZFA_obHT39U2Hc_nPX4Fxr0t9doyJlKSJ6GEIsz0oqimdjQ8EC1WZkLX6P07JtshgNcdOfr8RfGu6uQODj2_mIBJRhZfXaT47el8fJj_WCD8XP0au3Vf2-S_/s1600/Clausen+Emu.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9RDAkz8gP-1wxiTF7TUxxZFA_obHT39U2Hc_nPX4Fxr0t9doyJlKSJ6GEIsz0oqimdjQ8EC1WZkLX6P07JtshgNcdOfr8RfGu6uQODj2_mIBJRhZfXaT47el8fJj_WCD8XP0au3Vf2-S_/s1600/Clausen+Emu.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Silly Panthers, Emu can't play quarterback!</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div style="text-align: left;">Ha. Hahahahaha. Oh its spot on, is it not?</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">So are they the worst ever? Derek Pons thinks so, but you already know what kind of man he is (zing!). Maybe not the worst, but we did let an emu play quarterback for over half the season.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">The Verdict:</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Hilarious- 9/10</div><div style="text-align: left;">Horrifying- 8/10</div><div style="text-align: left;">Quarterback- I like to think we didn't have one.</div><div style="text-align: left;">Coaching- Record set for claps-per-game, not much else.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Overall: Now I hate football.</div><u><b><br />
</b></u>Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06090865863606803172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364159206549033332.post-5553117972049219682010-11-26T16:36:00.000-08:002010-11-26T16:37:53.355-08:00Celebrity Review- Nicolas Cage: Best Worst Actor Ever<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheS11SJBXRjcVQpZ133JwUntYCc3RLmt1FEs_5k8kU-4HmEQGkx2PNjnRAiiggfafacnDTNw6rTqHviEgn53ExnKSI1-IbD4FoNwmICB7y6tFd3W2OnrioQqvFSfr1Yte7IO91VO6LlAqv/s1600/Nic+Cage+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheS11SJBXRjcVQpZ133JwUntYCc3RLmt1FEs_5k8kU-4HmEQGkx2PNjnRAiiggfafacnDTNw6rTqHviEgn53ExnKSI1-IbD4FoNwmICB7y6tFd3W2OnrioQqvFSfr1Yte7IO91VO6LlAqv/s1600/Nic+Cage+1.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">They forgot to mention BRILLIANT.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
Quickly everyone, name the 5 worst Nicolas Cage movies of all time. I know I know, it's too difficult right? Who else has done more ridiculously poor movies than Nicholas Cage? I challenge you to come up with someone worse (if you just thought to yourself "Jason Statham," then close but no cigar.) What sets Nic Cage apart from the rest of the actors with a slew of bad movies, however, is the fact that he has been in a number of very good films as well. This is where I propose you find the genius of Nicolas Cage: He may very well be the greatest bad actor of all time. Nobody else can pull off the bad-but-good schtick as well as Mr. Cage can. Nobody. (Brendam Frasier is a close second place, so stop freaking out Frasiernatics.) Even during the worst of movies, I never fail to be entertained by Nic and his over-the-top craziness. Perhaps it is his gift to the moviegoers of the world that he refuses to let these bad movies go as simply bad movies. I see no other explanation, really, so everybody say "Thank you Nicolas Cage!" ....good, now we can move on.<br />
<br />
Just for kicks, lets go over some of Nic Cage's Best bad movie's, and some of the best moments from those. I'm going to start with one that I just watched last night:<br />
<br />
<b><u>The Sorcerer's Apprentice</u></b>- Just one of many movies that would be nearly unwatchable if not for the raw and viscerable performance by Nicolas Cage. Watch in this scene, the first one of the movie, as Nicolas Cage shows you what acting is all about. The kid in the scene asks an obvious and completely fair question. Cage, noting that the movie had so far been lacking in the intensity department, makes a judgement call and forcefully injects some power into what I believe was his 4th line of the movie. Indeed, nobody does it like Cage.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;"><object style="height: 390px; width: 640px;"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/-vLmrHKRSzI?version=3"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/-vLmrHKRSzI?version=3" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="300" height="300"></object> </div><div style="text-align: left;">Tell that kid who is boss, you badass!</div><div style="text-align: left;"></div><div style="text-align: left;"><u><b>The Wicker Man:</b></u> In one of his more famous pieces of bad/great acting, Nic Cage gives us a good idea of what it would be like to have a swarm of bees poured into your net helmet. A disclaimer on this clip: When I watched this film in its entirety (don't do that) on HBO, this scene was not in the movie, leading me to believe that it may have been a deleted scene. Which poses the question: who on EARTH would delete this scene from any movie? Especially a movie as bad as The Wicker Man?!? This would have increased the enjoyability of this movie tenfold. I waited for it literally the entire time I was watching.</div><br />
<object style="height: 390px; width: 640px;"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/d4MqTCIDKhU?version=3"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/d4MqTCIDKhU?version=3" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="440" height="390"></object><br />
Breathtaking. Note how he claimed to have bees in his eyes, yet they appear to stay away from the eyes.<br />
<br />
<u><b>Bangkok Dangerous</b></u>- I figure Cage took one look at the title of this movie and knew he had to be in it. It is obviously his cup of tea. In this scene, Nicolas Cage is on a date with a deaf girl, and they are eating Thai food. Note how Cage makes absolutely certain that everyone in the audience knows what is happening in this scene. I couldn't find a video I could embed, but here is a link to the clip on youtube. By the way, if you watch this you have seen nearly everything you need to see from this movie. Please trust me on this one, for your own good.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lWQsQ5SFC4">Nicolas Cage being an acting legend.</a><br />
If you have ever been on a date like this, its time to throw in the towel. Just saying.<br />
<br />
I could go on and on about Nic Cage and his library of amazing bad movies, but I don't want to do that because it will take too long. Instead, I will try to list a couple more of his bad movies for you to check out:<br />
<br />
<ul><li>Ghost Rider- Haven't seen it, don't need to.</li>
<li>The Bad Lietenant: Port of Call New Orleans- Worse than the title, epic Cage moments/</li>
<li>G-Force</li>
<li>Knowing</li>
<li>Next</li>
</ul>And in the interest of fairness, here is a list of good movies he is in:<br />
<br />
<ul><li>The Rock</li>
<li>Con Air</li>
<li>Face/Off</li>
<li>Adaptation</li>
<li>Raising Arizona</li>
</ul>It seems, however, that he stopped making good movies after he decided to get into a bad hair contest with Tom Hanks.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEik_OSa9Hd4JfTqIMJSnEgsmjuLppnei3WgjCM_liXWBE-WiPHx7aIPEGL6Fd1Y_7k92H2VGtDe-Z9nTmJXhUvo-rm0wnBlGdzikpRTpB-SNQNNnlIQT5_Vmm6nyQ52tXeOfFc3HKZVvovQ/s1600/nic+and+tom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEik_OSa9Hd4JfTqIMJSnEgsmjuLppnei3WgjCM_liXWBE-WiPHx7aIPEGL6Fd1Y_7k92H2VGtDe-Z9nTmJXhUvo-rm0wnBlGdzikpRTpB-SNQNNnlIQT5_Vmm6nyQ52tXeOfFc3HKZVvovQ/s1600/nic+and+tom.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Good news, Nic. Tom Hanks forfeited a looong time ago.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
Thanks for everything, Nic Cage!<br />
<br />
Scores:<br />
<br />
Hair: 0/10<br />
Crazy: 10/10<br />
Legendary Status: SecureThomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06090865863606803172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364159206549033332.post-25039904317514123892010-11-20T17:35:00.000-08:002010-11-20T17:35:50.979-08:00Toy Review: the NERF N-Strike Rapid Fire AS-20. Crappy name, epic toy.Wanna know the most satisfying feeling in the world? Go grab your NERF gun. If you don't have one, then ask one of your friends to punch you in your balls/face because you are an idiot, then get them to take you to Target so you can join the ranks of cool people. Now that you have a NERF gun, try shooting any of your friends in the face with it. You don't get that feeling of sweet satisfaction unless you do this from at least 5 meters, and you really need to do it with one of the classic suction dart style bullets for that satisfying slap noise that means you've scored a direct hit. If performed successfully, this will result in an automatic shit-eating grin that is pretty much incurable, at least until somebody does the same thing to you. Rinse and repeat. Look, it even works for dogs!<br />
<br />
<object style="height: 390px; width: 640px;"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/2fd_NBZdGpk?version=3"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/2fd_NBZdGpk?version=3" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="440" height="390"></object><br />
OK, that guy is hilarious.<br />
<br />
<br />
Pretty much any NERF gun can lead to this world of happiness, but I believe I have found the best one for the job. It is called, rather unfortunately, the N-Strike Rapid Fire AS-20. I'm going to go ahead and call it the NERF Hilarity, because that is what it causes when used.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE5MocBPAhWWLJNbpN2JuKujYveIzEdlp9AEMct3h9h3YbqISkmGRyFr4WuwFii25ipDPiF8xDb3na0Dyda6yyweBz2rHwKt0mq1seOkUctN_CmGML3ew8Dn84Jsvja40L0hak_lO0r3xD/s1600/Nerf+gun.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE5MocBPAhWWLJNbpN2JuKujYveIzEdlp9AEMct3h9h3YbqISkmGRyFr4WuwFii25ipDPiF8xDb3na0Dyda6yyweBz2rHwKt0mq1seOkUctN_CmGML3ew8Dn84Jsvja40L0hak_lO0r3xD/s1600/Nerf+gun.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It should be called the NERF Face Ruiner</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table> It's hard to describe this gun in words and do it justice. All NERF guns are great, of course, but nothing else seems to measure up to this little bit of perfection. It is small enough to carry in one hand and, say, hide behind your back, but it is also large enough to put the Fear into all who oppose your NERF power. But that's not really the best use for this gun.<br />
<br />
What is the best use for the gun, you undoubtedly have asked yourself? Invite a friend over, hide until they come in, then jump out and unload 20 rounds on them so fast that they won't even have time to properly pee themselves. Not only does it shoot unreasonably fast, but the thing is <i>loud.</i> Even better for the surprise factor. To top it all off, it is accurate enough that in skilled hands, you can probably land all 20 shots and you can probably land them all on the face which, after all, is the point of a NERF gun.<br />
<br />
But NERF is for kids! Everybody is sure to try to tell you that. I have prepared for you a suitable answer should this problem arise. Shoot this person in the face with your brand new NERF gun, preferably multiple times, and say "Who's the kid now?" This will properly demonstrated both your maturity and also how reasonable you are. Not to mention afterwards you will have a huge smile on your face. If you don't believe me, then believe these celebrities:<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-ODYjz5crWVOb0FS7mEeZNhVkJh5pdMMobDbDwAJsYQNL3c2_fCaAx-rkVQhyphenhyphenZy4NJL4IWtoiDndfGoYvKhyphenhyphenhn9UexyBCi85SuH2tqAt_AKU1zZMvlUPAtIWFnHdtmLAQJxqcqZ8iiSUy/s1600/Matt+Damon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-ODYjz5crWVOb0FS7mEeZNhVkJh5pdMMobDbDwAJsYQNL3c2_fCaAx-rkVQhyphenhyphenZy4NJL4IWtoiDndfGoYvKhyphenhyphenhn9UexyBCi85SuH2tqAt_AKU1zZMvlUPAtIWFnHdtmLAQJxqcqZ8iiSUy/s1600/Matt+Damon.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I shot Ben Affleck in the face with my NERF, and look at me now!</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR2kbMvOqAvuC_bfgo7Gw5asW8eSAXha64Pv7nyKUgB1Zgdf2p3MCc4vr_vbh_sCpI7g__Nh1_v4mshaYA9Ss0IIN8O305jiRyl9OPQxMaESElJ7gBAZKRGOb9323-6qMqZFIiSVIbsaWN/s1600/Julia+Roberts.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR2kbMvOqAvuC_bfgo7Gw5asW8eSAXha64Pv7nyKUgB1Zgdf2p3MCc4vr_vbh_sCpI7g__Nh1_v4mshaYA9Ss0IIN8O305jiRyl9OPQxMaESElJ7gBAZKRGOb9323-6qMqZFIiSVIbsaWN/s1600/Julia+Roberts.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">NERF is better than winning an Oscar!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Before I finish, I would like to take a moment to thank NERF for creating the perfect toy. Not only can we approximate extreme violence with these toys, we can do it without any possible chance of hurting your friends. Kudos, NERF!<br />
<br />
Final scores for the NERF Hilarity:<br />
<br />
Dart capacity: 10/10<br />
Rate of Fire: 15/10<br />
Range: 8/10<br />
Shock Value: 10/10<br />
Rate of Dart Loss: Stupid high.<br />
<br />
Overall: You pretty much made the perfect gun here, NERF. Time to find a new line of work.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06090865863606803172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364159206549033332.post-71907330662446587172010-11-18T19:56:00.000-08:002010-11-18T20:13:22.973-08:00Game Review: Farkle- a Game of Guts, Luck, and a whole lot of CursingMany games vie for the title of "best dice game of all time." Yahtzee. 3 man. Craps. That game that Adam and I made up when we were drunk that one time but now we can't remember how you play it (it was called Damn It, and it was a game for badasses). All of these games attempt to lay claim to the title GOAT. That's Greatest of All Time to those of you who don't read about sports all the time like a big nerd. But then...<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>A New Challenger Approaches!!!!</b></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWCKP__8fAW0IrldDa_sxiwaJzJ9m9Z1zKhVnZ7eiSpGrFgc6unNMkWJgrbnexiGBQGmOgHNcdJ636oyKovy1mARX9t73rEDxuu4TIgJzhD9j7yDJV5shwflMQqNCVWTnqBYEp-tSTQLx-/s1600/yahtzee.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><br />
</a></div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWCKP__8fAW0IrldDa_sxiwaJzJ9m9Z1zKhVnZ7eiSpGrFgc6unNMkWJgrbnexiGBQGmOgHNcdJ636oyKovy1mARX9t73rEDxuu4TIgJzhD9j7yDJV5shwflMQqNCVWTnqBYEp-tSTQLx-/s1600/yahtzee.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWCKP__8fAW0IrldDa_sxiwaJzJ9m9Z1zKhVnZ7eiSpGrFgc6unNMkWJgrbnexiGBQGmOgHNcdJ636oyKovy1mARX9t73rEDxuu4TIgJzhD9j7yDJV5shwflMQqNCVWTnqBYEp-tSTQLx-/s1600/yahtzee.jpg" /></a></div><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b> </b></span><span style="font-size: large;"><b>VS.</b></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKamT-iAe6MG_opUxqAT25RLG_bSxalhxyeOyyqxJK91seLfsljWml3RjA_lf-dRyHT0AhXrT5yAnbJN8HMtfPLPVoe5oDqBD6l9W3E2iJFlR3zcu94XoJ9w7qpoIZTIrw1NI6RqYxTvap/s1600/Farkle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKamT-iAe6MG_opUxqAT25RLG_bSxalhxyeOyyqxJK91seLfsljWml3RjA_lf-dRyHT0AhXrT5yAnbJN8HMtfPLPVoe5oDqBD6l9W3E2iJFlR3zcu94XoJ9w7qpoIZTIrw1NI6RqYxTvap/s1600/Farkle.jpg" /></a></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Let's take a look at these two games, side by side, and see which one is <i>really</i> the best. Remember, this is simply science at work, so if you don't like the outcome, then talk to Sir Isaac Newton.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRdHhqqWjCggoF7YTpsuNjiQek_AkmN0E0uSQ7jsMDvt3RVzmZYpgXYxqAEiOO202hSQGzhN46qc5U76U9stH6uL_OW11jGcEYOf8wh9bciol9tK2Pbsy_s7YYE5og5umvEOPyQ1VYPHPN/s1600/sir+isaac+newton.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRdHhqqWjCggoF7YTpsuNjiQek_AkmN0E0uSQ7jsMDvt3RVzmZYpgXYxqAEiOO202hSQGzhN46qc5U76U9stH6uL_OW11jGcEYOf8wh9bciol9tK2Pbsy_s7YYE5og5umvEOPyQ1VYPHPN/s1600/sir+isaac+newton.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If you don't believe in science, then how do you explain that hair?</td></tr>
</tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Yahtzee is the clear favorite coming in. This isn't Yahtzee's first rodeo, no sir, and it sure knows how to bring it when it needs to. Five die to start with, and three chances to come up with the best score you can get. Five die? Three chances? The younger, more fresh Farkle laughs at this pathetic attempt at game making.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Advantage: Farkle</b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><i>Farkle doesn't appear to be intimidated at all in this match up... no, Farkle seems to be taking it right to Yahtzee from the opening bell. Yahztee fires with 5 die to start the round, and oh it doesn't look good for Farkle.... but wait! Farkle counters with a staggering 6 die first throw! Unbelievable! I've never seen such a thing!</i></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSk2SCNM4_SvXVKIjQTG6neVJNzxnHM4xfOl6bc3n4mwv2g6BcpBVNrYZNLN-55DNZrP6VXPOKuiZeQf5tXIHbfPmR3AoPrQgegvxDK5R_S5iPXD2g-US5_KFKoMXIQCuc1fpQ_1bbQbWX/s1600/albert+einstein.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSk2SCNM4_SvXVKIjQTG6neVJNzxnHM4xfOl6bc3n4mwv2g6BcpBVNrYZNLN-55DNZrP6VXPOKuiZeQf5tXIHbfPmR3AoPrQgegvxDK5R_S5iPXD2g-US5_KFKoMXIQCuc1fpQ_1bbQbWX/s1600/albert+einstein.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This crazy bastard will science-slap the shit out of you.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Thats right people, 6 die. And you know what? You can have an <i>infinite number of rolls</i> provided your dice rolling skills are GOAT. Talk about a hardcore dice game. So Farkle wins, right? Not so fast, loyal reader. The strategic edge goes to Yahtzee, hands down. It even says so right there on the Farkle box: "A game of guts and luck." What that means is, you essentially need all of the brains of a concussed 3rd grader to win at this game. Good thing or bad thing? I'll let you decide. Just remember, if you say that's a good thing then that means you are stupid. Science again. Cry to Albert Einstein if you don't agree.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Advantage: Yahtzee</b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">What else sets these two games apart? How about the scorecard? For Farkle, all you need is a simple piece-of-paper-and-pen configuration, where if you want to play Yahtzee without the official scorecard, you better be able to replicate that thing. Do you know how to add? If you answered yes, you have everything you need to get started with Farkle. Are you the biggest Yahztee nerd in history? If you answered yes, then not only can you play Yahtzee with just a paper or pen, but you should also probably punch yourself in the nose. Nerd it up on something cooler, or at least more popular.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Advantage: Farkle</b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Presentation? This one is all Yahtzee. How much snazzier does Yahtzee look than Farkle. It's no contest.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b> Advantage: Yahtzee</b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Well, now that I invented something else for Yahtzee to win at, it's all tied up. The tiebreaker shall be... an irritation off! Which of these two games makes people more irritated? Which one of these will cause you and your friends to flip out, curse, and throw the game across the room? Everybody knows that how good a board game is is in direct correlation to how annoyed the players get. I've played both of these games, so I am here to answer this difficult question for you. Here's the breakdown:</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b> </b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b> </b><br />
<u>Yahtzee</u>: How annoying is this game? Tell me after you've gone 5 turns in a row without getting the small straigh and your friend next to you JUST GOT THEIR SECOND YAHTZEE OF THE ROUND OH MY GOD. Yeah, it's pretty irritating. But you know what? I'm always mad at the person next to me when I play this. Yahtzee allows you to too easily blame your woes on everyone else, including that elusive Luck. I'm going to name my second child Luck, just so everyone is always talking about how good he/she/it is or how bad he/she/it is. But I digress.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"> <u>Farkle</u>: Ahh, here is a real game of irritation. Watch as the person next to you rolls 10 consecutive times racking up the points, and then get ready for your turn. Do you play it safe? Take the points? Or do you try to roll again and again like your friend there. The worst part is, you have no one to blame but yourself when everything goes wrong. I swear more than a pirate having a bad day on the golf course when I play this game, but I can't point the finger anywhere but right back at myself. @!$*.</div><div style="text-align: left;"></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Advantage: Farkle</b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">So there you have it. I could go into helpful things that most reviews might have like rules, or number of players, or cost of the game, but that's not really how I roll. Instead, I'll give you these made up judges scorecards.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b> </b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b> Judge #1: 3-2 Farkle</b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Judge #2: 3-2 Farkle</b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b> Judge #3: 4-1 Farkle</b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Judge #4: 5-0 Yahztee </b>(He's French)</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Judge #5: 2-2-1 Tie</b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Farkle Wins Bitches! And in case you had any doubts before... do you want this to happen to you?</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b> </b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b> </b></div><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<object style="height: 390px; width: 640px;"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/P6J0R6WbBIY?version=3"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/P6J0R6WbBIY?version=3" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="440" height="390"></object> <br />
<br />
Case Closed.Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06090865863606803172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364159206549033332.post-90631374354978209502010-11-16T07:12:00.000-08:002010-11-16T07:28:51.210-08:00Food Review: PB&JHello! I apologize for the lack of reviews in several days. It's been busy and blah blah blah. OK, I got Call of Duty, and I've been a lazy turd, sue me. Anyways, you're getting one now so quitcher bitchin'.<br />
<br />
Disclaimer: <b>All depictions in this blog of any people, historical figures, or sandwiches real or fake, were made up on the spot but probably really happened too. </b><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFPBvnQOzVX3T5xEH4NmvojuuiSff7FOeTYKismPQxC2jW1meEXFNFqH6IXPvP5SszX3_9jS7HZdtau30Pkhq4IlJKjPAjpodlBIIka98rDq1MtJxm6iyRFMRvpobWFLASwT1EhHHt6DUq/s1600/PB%2526J.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFPBvnQOzVX3T5xEH4NmvojuuiSff7FOeTYKismPQxC2jW1meEXFNFqH6IXPvP5SszX3_9jS7HZdtau30Pkhq4IlJKjPAjpodlBIIka98rDq1MtJxm6iyRFMRvpobWFLASwT1EhHHt6DUq/s1600/PB%2526J.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Simple yet elegant</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<br />
Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches. The quintessential child's lunch, I am fairly certain that everybody on the planet has had one at some time in their life (yes even you, you peanut allergic unfortunates. How do you think your parents found out?). If you are thinking to yourself right now, "Hey, I've never had a PB&J," then your next thought should be "Hey, I'm a big fat lying jerkwad. My pants are probably on fire, on account of me being such a liar." Yeah, you've had one.<br />
<br />
What is it about the peanut butter and jelly sandwich that is so good? Why all the hype? For starters, you have peanut butter. When George Washington Carver was messing around with the peanut* and came up with all of those 105 ways to eat a peanut, none was more critical to planet Earth than peanut butter. I mean, come on guys, that stuff is amazing.<br />
<br />
*<i>Just a little side note, here. I'm all for science and learning and all that other crap, but don't you think this guy maybe took it a little too far? He could have stopped at, like, 40 ways to prepare peanut butter, and we all would have reacted the same way. "Hey, way to go there, George, groundbreaking stuff... oh, no let us cook tonight. No there won't be any peanuts. George, what are you doing?!?! No, George, please I was going to make a peanut brittle for desert! George no stop I'm sorry! Geeeooorrrrrgggee!</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHOLgJI8UJwipF-iWoHjkoqBxYnrnj0OHHHyim_wu6xZi9GZOlMAe3GsKGpAX5pKxfLukl-A_694qHl9IQ_ga9RBhB3YZAeibT7X9e91G2tp1OgCYRzohy8tzgqIlTW7h6UkvHO9tOXVFl/s1600/George+Washington+Carver.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHOLgJI8UJwipF-iWoHjkoqBxYnrnj0OHHHyim_wu6xZi9GZOlMAe3GsKGpAX5pKxfLukl-A_694qHl9IQ_ga9RBhB3YZAeibT7X9e91G2tp1OgCYRzohy8tzgqIlTW7h6UkvHO9tOXVFl/s1600/George+Washington+Carver.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm crazy about peanuts!</td></tr>
</tbody></table><i><br />
</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
Yeah I just made George Washington Carver in to a murdering peanut psychopath. Sure did. Good thing you read the disclaimer.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOXZ3doFuFclKDvtRFWVUuO5pLPxs0NFlgHsq-SHSrDy1lUX0ijBdeNBND2zM740t9TiSaoAoJG2_C6UYUHWSqIgO2QHpef9wCmE9oTQyRpk9HwoxwAQc0PUmT-LZVvxBXjl2l9wmnVo0_/s1600/PB%2526J+BFF.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOXZ3doFuFclKDvtRFWVUuO5pLPxs0NFlgHsq-SHSrDy1lUX0ijBdeNBND2zM740t9TiSaoAoJG2_C6UYUHWSqIgO2QHpef9wCmE9oTQyRpk9HwoxwAQc0PUmT-LZVvxBXjl2l9wmnVo0_/s1600/PB%2526J+BFF.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A true power couple.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
And I have something to say to you people who think that peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are "not good." You think that peanut butter and jelly don't belong together on a sandwich do you? Are you really willing to split up those two after such a long and lucrative partnership? Would you be the one to drive a wedge between the greatest duo in sandwich history, just because you had a bad experience in elementary school when you threw up all those PB&J's? I didn't think so.<i> </i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Now, as much as I love the old PB&J, there are a few critical variations that don't involve both components (meaning just peanut butter, because what else is jelly good for but toast?) that I would like to mention.<br />
<ol><li>Peanut Butter and Honey: Sweet deliciousness. I'm told that some people think this is "weird" or "gross." I have to be told by people, because when someone says that sort of thing to my face, my brain instantly translates it into "WHOOOAAA AWESOME."</li>
<li>Peanut Butter and Honey and Bacon: I can't comment other than by saying holy shit. Eat one of these, come back to this blog, and thank my mother for being a true visionary. Mr. George Washington Carver ain't got a thing on her.</li>
<li>Peanut Butter and Banana: The popularity of this sandwich mash up grows by the day. Not my favorite, but I do recognize a winner when I see it.</li>
<li>Peanut Butter and Mayonnaise: Sounds barfworthy, but I had it on a hot dog once (I was drunk, OK?). Not as bad as it sounds, but not as good as whoever invented it would like you to think.</li>
<li>Peanut Butter and Pesto: Just kidding! Or am I? Yeah I am.</li>
</ol><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuJ_XmpOAOkquS1BTItT9Aof2G-XoqjoRbIsh69JYZB8eucBEy_jkmKUeDui9A23hH94OcBGwhQjINgxslWjYQX_unqylKU8M0cw0kiAKN5LdXmAx_ikbIcHbY7HzWLZKrbYrfzGZHq462/s1600/Milk+friends.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="149" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuJ_XmpOAOkquS1BTItT9Aof2G-XoqjoRbIsh69JYZB8eucBEy_jkmKUeDui9A23hH94OcBGwhQjINgxslWjYQX_unqylKU8M0cw0kiAKN5LdXmAx_ikbIcHbY7HzWLZKrbYrfzGZHq462/s200/Milk+friends.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><div style="text-align: left;"></div>I also feel I need to mention the unsung hero of this piece: milk. With milk, a PB&J is about five times greater than without, and vice-versa (is that how you spell that? never tried it before). Never have I enjoyed milk more than when I have it with a PB&J. Milk is the behind-the-scenes force behind Peanut Butter and Jelly. A true team player who doesn't need any of the credit for itself. Here's to milk!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
So thats about it for the old PB&J. Here are the scores:<br />
<br />
Taste: 8/10 (9/10 w/ milk)<br />
Affordability: 10/10<br />
Versatility: 6/10 (Only so many kinds of J's you can use)<br />
Replay value: Very High<br />
<br />
Oh, and you're welcome for not posting the Peanut Butter Jelly Time! video.Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06090865863606803172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364159206549033332.post-59042973488961448772010-11-10T18:18:00.000-08:002010-11-10T18:37:28.536-08:00One Man Reviews Another Man: I give you... Derek Pons!<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWWjxcQBD4iRbrCEQ9G8us4NJLgBtS7rXx3z4W3jt54NFOouj3vlsAidw3k9FKartStGIK9UViQaoJavOk2eVeWzwul-C6rHOqagKdz6aL1rXwSvYRIHyLKq9CBf9ceN3VOU1ZLXcUZmWQ/s1600/Happy+Pons.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWWjxcQBD4iRbrCEQ9G8us4NJLgBtS7rXx3z4W3jt54NFOouj3vlsAidw3k9FKartStGIK9UViQaoJavOk2eVeWzwul-C6rHOqagKdz6aL1rXwSvYRIHyLKq9CBf9ceN3VOU1ZLXcUZmWQ/s1600/Happy+Pons.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Heeeeeyyyy!</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<br />
Filmmaker. Comedian. Athlete. Class Act. Talented. These are all things that Derek Pons hopes he will be someday. What is he now? Instead of just telling you outright, why don't I instead tell you a story about Derek, who we (his good friends) lovingly call <strike>Creepy Deeps</strike> <strike>Skeezy Deezy</strike> <strike>Tard</strike> <strike>Octocock</strike> D-Pons. To me this story is just a legend, as sadly I was not there to witness it. But those who did witness it, extremely reliable sources by the way, have told it many times, and told it well. And so begins...<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>The Legend of Derek: Baby Slayer</b></span><br />
<blockquote><i>Once upon a time in the land of Wilmington, Fere lived a young man by the name of Derek. Derek was a happy young lad, so full of life and wonderment. You would think, by Fe way he spoke of Fings that he liked, Fat he enjoyed everything as Fough it was Fe "greatest Fing ever!" Fis remained true one of Fe days he attended a gaFering at a friend's house. Two of Derek's friends, known to all as the Thrill Killers, had recently given birF to a beautiful baby girl. Derek saw a lot of himself in this infant child; Fe wonderment, Fe difficulty speaking, Fe golden locks, Fe baby face (he never could grow a beard). Derek immediately took a liking to the child. Oh, how Fey played together, Fe two young friends! </i></blockquote><blockquote> <i>But Fen, someFing happened. No one knows for sure what came between Fe two friends at that moment, but someFing happened indeed. You could see it in Derek's face... he was plotting. Before anyone knew what happened, Derek had struck! He lashed out, foot delivering the wraF of Derek with astonishing speed, sending Fe baby girl flying end over end across the room. Everyone was stunned by the speed and ferocity of Derek's outburst, but he showed no remorse. He simply laughed at Fe mistfortue of Fe poor baby child. If you listen closely, you can still hear his laughter, even today...</i> </blockquote><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjXz2Bvh83srRYCfSUj6lekLIKM1ptn99VMHcyHHFIy_aBWfrifkqdQp9_ZIfIysjhRu7RRtxg9CNdVu3MwvW8ouiV7TAm3wuPWMiemC8swr2UpSTbguLeHoMGeXr0ikaFq0V-VecApvhU/s1600/Baby+Kick.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjXz2Bvh83srRYCfSUj6lekLIKM1ptn99VMHcyHHFIy_aBWfrifkqdQp9_ZIfIysjhRu7RRtxg9CNdVu3MwvW8ouiV7TAm3wuPWMiemC8swr2UpSTbguLeHoMGeXr0ikaFq0V-VecApvhU/s1600/Baby+Kick.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>This guy has nothing on Derek</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<br />
So now you have a slight idea of Derek, the man. I may have kept out a few of the more incriminating parts of the story, for Derek's sake, but the events occurred almost exactly like it is written there. Shocking, and tragic I know.<br />
<br />
But what else can I tell you about Derek, you ask? Well, he has quite possibly the best Beach photo of all time. How good you ask? Good enough to double the followers on my blog, if not triple them. Behold: Beach Bod Derek!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHzxvy0vvFQLWiug1__LFnLJj3kHPV2mwQwTs5AilHg0eF2d5arw9MA-nd9wFMoYr71bTcoMU576JzPfJx0E88eT7MLb4x_wZrsQGs5rnPl_RSCT__FTIFScFVbL8wScXl1Jn8z65OUmdO/s1600/Beach+Bod+Derek.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="149" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHzxvy0vvFQLWiug1__LFnLJj3kHPV2mwQwTs5AilHg0eF2d5arw9MA-nd9wFMoYr71bTcoMU576JzPfJx0E88eT7MLb4x_wZrsQGs5rnPl_RSCT__FTIFScFVbL8wScXl1Jn8z65OUmdO/s200/Beach+Bod+Derek.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The beach had to shut down on this day.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>If thats not enough, how about his man-crushes? Matt Damon poster on the wall: check. That guy from Lost looking wistfully off into the sunset for a computer background: check. Matthew Fox blow up doll: check. Jack Bauer Night Time Escapades DVD box set: check. He has him all, and he will share them with you unashamedly.<br />
<br />
There really is too much to talk about with my friend Derek. You can't sum him up in just a few hundred words, and nor would I want to try. Instead, let me give you a list of "States of Derek" that you want to catch him in in order to get a good picture.<br />
<br />
<ul><li>Incredulous Derek- Very common</li>
<li>Dad Joke Derek- Common</li>
<li>Film Derek- Always</li>
<li>Lost Fanatic Derek- Not as common as it used to be</li>
<li>Beach Bod Derek- Seasonal</li>
<li>Fedora Derek- Rare</li>
<li>Dancin' Derek- In between </li>
</ul>That covers it for now, thats about all I can think of at this time. I'm sure I forgot some so, loyal readers, please give me some more ideas and I can always add them in!<br />
<br />
Let me be serious for a minute though. Derek, we love ya. You are a great friend to have, always fun to have around and you suck at cooking. Oops! what I meant was, it wouldn't be the same without you around here, and I'm gla... I'm glaaaa.... sorry, it's a bit hard to say. I'm glad we hang out. Your enthusiasm and good attitude are truly infectious, and I can't think of anyone better to go on a trip with, or go to a concert with, or just generally hang out with. Your good nature and fierce friendship are one of a kind. There! Compliment paid. See, now it's like a roast, so I don't feel bad about posting Beach Bod picture or talking about how bad you suck at cooking. Anyways, here are some scores and merit badges:<br />
<br />
Scores:<br />
Funny: 9/10<br />
Physical Prowess: 3/10 (ha ha got one last dig in there!)<br />
Charm: 10/10<br />
Movie Opinions: Well, at least you and I can agree on Hot Fuzz<br />
<br />
Overall: He's a Swell Dude!<br />
<br />
Merit badges:<br />
<br />
Best Knee Explosion!<br />
Biggest Lost Obsession<br />
President of the Jack Bauer fan club Wilmington chapter<br />
Funniest Frozen Pizza Attempt<br />
<br />
Thats all for now! Big ups to Derek!Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06090865863606803172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364159206549033332.post-83413567021830296212010-11-09T15:35:00.000-08:002010-11-09T19:37:56.764-08:00Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: Scott Pilgrim... wins!When I first watched this movie, I saw it by myself, in the theater, sandwiched between The Expendables and Despicable Me. Three different movies, three completely different styles. While I liked all three of them, I feel like Scott Pilgrim easily brought the most new stuff to the table. Ever wanted to see a movie that is so good, you jump up in the theater and shout "HELL YEAH!" while removing your clothes and joining in a spontaneous joy orgy? Well too bad. That movie is not a movie, it is a drug called Ecstasy, and it's illegal. This movie is pretty good though.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"> Scott Pilgrim vs. The World</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_O0E9Y2nPPdTYkbX42Crph89walwYbvcI4qyDP_FpOwP1LCfjrkU1ceuUVbcBPMDsBy4K0n0hQopi8EA2R3iTOPpra9drGRysrQnJixiAia4QUmioW3nNy9VkYATs2caV2SYDc-tBQPwG/s1600/scott+pilgrim.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_O0E9Y2nPPdTYkbX42Crph89walwYbvcI4qyDP_FpOwP1LCfjrkU1ceuUVbcBPMDsBy4K0n0hQopi8EA2R3iTOPpra9drGRysrQnJixiAia4QUmioW3nNy9VkYATs2caV2SYDc-tBQPwG/s1600/scott+pilgrim.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Apparently, it's epic.</td></tr>
</tbody></table> <i> </i><br />
<br />
Let me begin this review by saying that generally, Michael Cera is an actor who makes me want to turn to the person next to me and headbutt them in the nose. I haven't liked any movies he was in up until I saw this. So for those of you who are anti-Cera like me, you should still give this movie a chance. If you watch it and still decide to assault somebody in a Michael-Cera-Awkwardness induced rage, I absolve myself of all responsibility.<br />
<br />
The director of this film, Edgar Wright, is beloved to me. Having made Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz (one of my favorites ever), he also holds the distinction of being of of the few people who have made me embarass myself in a public theater due to excessive and obnoxious laughter. But what of this film? It may not be hilariously funny like his previous offerings, but it does deliver a consistent number of snickers, snorts and chortles. Even a chuckle here and there.<br />
<br />
Some people may be asking themselves, this movie looks like it is too ridiculous (hi, Derek!). Well, it certainly is a bit ridiculous. But not too. Too ridiculous is a giant robot peeing on a federal marshal, or two giant robots who are obvious and offensive racial stereotypes. Or, really, almost anything else from transformers. No, I find Scott Pilgrim to be just ridiculous enough that it is fresh while not groan-inducing. It is probably not like anything else you have seen, but I think that is true in the best sense when it comes to this movie.<br />
<br />
People who will like this movie:<br />
<ol><li>Video gamers. Lots of nods to the video game crowd here, with status bars popping up here and there and the frequent use of video game sounds and retro gaming music.</li>
<li>Grunge Rockers. A fair amount of music in this movie that I really enjoyed. Heavy on the bass and the distortion, but I like the way it sounds. And it fits the movie perfectly.</li>
<li>Action people. The action in this was really fun, well directed, and didn't take over the whole movie. And completely a bonus too, considering I expected nothing on this front from the movie.</li>
</ol>People who will not like this movie:<br />
<ol><li>Squares.</li>
<li>Wankers.</li>
<li>Tools.</li>
<li>Probably the emo crowd. But what do they like?</li>
</ol>One last point. My biggest qualm with the movie? What have they done with Mary Elizabeth Winstead?! They took her and de-hotted her like she was Charlize in "Monster." Hmm, a little bit inappropriate there, but you get the picture. Maybe you don't get the picture... here is the picture(s).<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTeECq-ZdDctBTwmyEZbRTWEGpk8x3qXAnZbQ8f7kbW930N-SEEJq3ryIXOw86RAHVrOpp5bzXeSzgP1-_-ulLuYB3eph92yC1XXml39ud3_rZbA5gWEepSkQhmWedaXBJE-M4_eY0B2EI/s1600/Winstead+in+Pilgrim.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTeECq-ZdDctBTwmyEZbRTWEGpk8x3qXAnZbQ8f7kbW930N-SEEJq3ryIXOw86RAHVrOpp5bzXeSzgP1-_-ulLuYB3eph92yC1XXml39ud3_rZbA5gWEepSkQhmWedaXBJE-M4_eY0B2EI/s1600/Winstead+in+Pilgrim.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Winstead in the movie. No, Not the dude.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmpwIt9Pu1ZEeIqU7aI4s6p9sjH5VV9fjzsegwRzaOaLvRvCjSGYL058X8LszRZlytIdS11-8NlEfKotDgveiUgNurU2RdGoCwmRjyJPDQYRpxqSqd1eFQAK2tVtlqA7kgnafjzkDZyuPJ/s1600/Winstead+normal.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmpwIt9Pu1ZEeIqU7aI4s6p9sjH5VV9fjzsegwRzaOaLvRvCjSGYL058X8LszRZlytIdS11-8NlEfKotDgveiUgNurU2RdGoCwmRjyJPDQYRpxqSqd1eFQAK2tVtlqA7kgnafjzkDZyuPJ/s1600/Winstead+normal.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And here is normal Winstead...!!!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>I'm not sure that's even the same person. Oh well, you can't win 'em all right?<br />
<br />
Anyways, Scott Pilgrim vs The World is one of my favorites of 2010. Watch it, enjoy it, but if you don't, don't come crying to me because I'm just going to tell you you are wrong.<br />
<br />
The Scores:<br />
Action: 8/10<br />
Music: 9/10<br />
Cera: 7/10 (beat his previous best of 3/10)<br />
Winstead: Not in this movie, as far as I know.<br />
Vegans destroyed: 1<br />
<br />
Overall: Much goodness.<br />
<br />
<br />
<object style="height: 390px; width: 640px;"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/xgOLmjhxVVU?version=3"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/xgOLmjhxVVU?version=3" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="440" height="390"></object>Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06090865863606803172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364159206549033332.post-55602584614271630642010-11-08T14:22:00.000-08:002010-11-08T14:22:06.737-08:00Punisher: War Zone. Consider yourself punished.Ahh, my first review of a movie so bad that it is good. How to tackle a review such as this? I certainly can't go by this movie's artistic merits. That would make this a very brief, very easy review. No, a true bad/good movie like this requires a refined movie palette, unlike anything that an ordinary movie critic can bring to the table. Gone from this review will be the usual measuring sticks we are all so accustomed to; acting, writing, visuals, pacing, etc. No, this movie requires the examination of certain other enjoyment factors, but we will get to that later. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"> Punisher: War Zone</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUZ1bru5jJA_jT9vAhtmGeW4iUgDdN8TOOsl6WkkchsnsAiin8fL8osPKP0ranRcDWyh1jr95X8svEX1lG5dWo05-IafuJDHuqz42g-n14U-sWjTcVy5BDIiujvEMxgKnI75ZkXBGOTNfj/s1600/punisher-warzone-finalposter-full.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUZ1bru5jJA_jT9vAhtmGeW4iUgDdN8TOOsl6WkkchsnsAiin8fL8osPKP0ranRcDWyh1jr95X8svEX1lG5dWo05-IafuJDHuqz42g-n14U-sWjTcVy5BDIiujvEMxgKnI75ZkXBGOTNfj/s320/punisher-warzone-finalposter-full.jpg" width="215" /></a></div><span style="font-size: x-large;"> <span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">I've watched many a bad movie over the last couple of years in search of those hidden gems, those over the top, how-does-this-movie-exist laugh riots that can only truly be made by a creative team with the talent and ability of a sea urchin. This movie, for sheer enjoyment, is one of the best. And I will tell you why.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Reason # 1: Hilarious accents. The two main villains of this piece, the self-named "Jigsaw" and the not ironically named Looney Bin Jim, both use the thick Brooklyn(?) style accent, and it's almost as if you can hear them attempting to learn it as the scene is shot. Please enjoy this link to the best accent ever put to film:</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CS59isXSZvA">This guy really likes his applesauce!</a> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Waitaminute, we have some breaking news: Dominic West, portrayer of Jigsaw, actually just talks like that. I think Doug Hutchinson (Looney Bin Jim) deserves some credit here for creating a brand new dialect, which I think should be called Bizarro Brooklyn. Not a great name? I accept reader submissions!</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Reason #2: (Spoiler alert!) Parkour + backflip over building + surprise rocket launcher = I peed myself. HO-LY SHIT that was funny. What a practical way to eliminate a pesky parkour..er...er...er? Freestyle walker, than to shoot them out of mid-backflip with a rocket. Easy as pie.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Reason #3 Face punishment. Frank Castle punishes a man by punching through his face. No joke, hes actually strong enough to eliminate a man's face from his head with a single punch, which is much more impressive than the way Christian Bale did it in Equilibrium. Films have a long history of face removal (see: Face/Off, and, uh, other stuff), but this has to rank up there with the best.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Reason #4:</span> Mirror punishment. Jigsaw hates mirrors because he is so ugly after his glass shard bath (he was inside a glass recycler when it was on: punished!) that he can't stand to see his face. His loving and caring brother Jim dutifully destroys every mirror that tries to make an appearance for the rest of the film. Headbutts, cross-body blocks, and furniture are all acceptable means of mirror removal. And they apparently live in the mirror capital of the world.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJ7yGu0RkfzivHovIKwU8bIPIuLG1QFMgQ3WZ_9Qh-sYGkoRSe6A3PotpzhyphenhyphenqB2jbkuPXJNjW1cn3Ry_Z8jSQixnLGVzmz1nKv_j0pgUHzrhmLczPpv_4EE5l1XjZDtExis4xhu7ysnXpS/s1600/broken_mirror.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJ7yGu0RkfzivHovIKwU8bIPIuLG1QFMgQ3WZ_9Qh-sYGkoRSe6A3PotpzhyphenhyphenqB2jbkuPXJNjW1cn3Ry_Z8jSQixnLGVzmz1nKv_j0pgUHzrhmLczPpv_4EE5l1XjZDtExis4xhu7ysnXpS/s320/broken_mirror.jpg" width="320" /></a></div> <i>It never did nothin to no one</i> <br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Reason #5 Don't push it.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">In summation, if you want to see "good" movies, I advise you to seek out and destroy every copy of this movie ever made. It is terribad. However, if you like hilariously bad, I urge you to Punish yourself (heh heh) by watching this movie. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">The scores:</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Frank's fist 1 - Faces 0</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Rocket 1 - Parkour 0</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Body count: >Die Hard</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Robin Williams Certificate of Awful Accents awarded</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Overall: Definitely makes my top 500</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06090865863606803172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364159206549033332.post-65233491106788194582010-11-07T09:14:00.000-08:002010-11-07T09:20:37.817-08:00V for Vendetta- Best Guy Fawkes related movie ever made?With the fifth of november having just passed, we all have one more Guy Fawkes Day celebration under our belts. I know that I, personally, am still hung over from the whole affair. Best holiday! And how better to honor the man than to put on a mask, kick some ass, and talk really cool. Instead of doing that, however, I decided to watch a movie about a guy who is trying to be a modern day Guy. Here is a picture of said movie:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAEI5ysqrwwEF0GEHExtgAoOxpOAo_vcQD8YshMoTvp9lZS57xm7AR35l7q66c_qMyUClfGfWJESzxSX7HNZL7MGYHiu78XGrisY02gNbKgJ3VMQ75C8oWD9YzM7f_Zv4mMVU-tYOQN10f/s1600/V+for+Vendetta.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAEI5ysqrwwEF0GEHExtgAoOxpOAo_vcQD8YshMoTvp9lZS57xm7AR35l7q66c_qMyUClfGfWJESzxSX7HNZL7MGYHiu78XGrisY02gNbKgJ3VMQ75C8oWD9YzM7f_Zv4mMVU-tYOQN10f/s320/V+for+Vendetta.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<br />
Yes, I realize that is a CD cover. Anyways. Nerd that I am, I like to sit down on November 5th every year and watch the movie "V for Vendetta." Because they talk about November 5th in the movie guys! Its like watching "Halloween" <i>ON HALLOWEEN. But I digress and oh my god I left on the itali</i>cs.<i> My bad. </i><br />
<br />
In all seriousness, I do love this movie. The writing is good, but it is the actors who really bring it in this film. Multiple times during the movie I had the thought that if the wrong people were saying the same lines, it would come across as cheesy at best. Just watch the movie and try to imagine, for example, Tom Cruise or Christian Bale as V. It just doesn't work. Hugo Weaving is quite frankly awesome, and I love every one of his speeches which he delivers with panache and gravitas which are two words that I don't know the meaning of. Natalie Portman does an <strike>attractive</strike> excellent job in her role of Evey Hammond, the skeptical but fed up citizen of an oppressed populace. She hits all of the right notes in all of the right places, providing a handful of moments that give me goosebumps. I call them "Goosebump moments."<br />
<br />
I also love the overall tone of this movie. When it came out, I had some people tell me that they wouldn't see the movie because the heard it "promoted terrorism." In the words of british people, I say bollocks. Bollocks! This is a movie that promotes freedom and rights and baby unicorns and other good things. "People should not be afraid of their governments, governments should be afraid of their people." That is damn right.<br />
<br />
If that isn't enough to entice you, this movie even has a little bit of action and an excellent soundtrack. This movie is a must watch unless you are a crybaby whiner who read the graphic novels and feel as though the movie didn't do it justice. Get over it, alright? At least they didn't demolish one of your favorite books like they did to "Relic" and "Congo." Ugh.<br />
<br />
Is this the best Guy Fawkes related movie ever? I say thee Yea!<br />
The scores:<br />
<br />
Speechifying: A+<br />
# of "Oh snap!" moments: 4<br />
Hotness: 7/10<br />
Thomas Little standard of awesomeness: Pass<br />
<br />
Overall score: A+47AwesomeThomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06090865863606803172noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364159206549033332.post-51046636779981911602010-11-07T08:21:00.000-08:002010-11-07T08:21:19.608-08:00I'm so glad you asked!I know, you are all wondering what it is I will be doing here on this exciting and highly anticipated blog. My mission is simple: review random stuff. I'm no critic, but I sure do like and dislike a lot of stuff, and I feel like everybody needs to hear my opinion because of how awesome and correct I find it to be. So, yeah, I'm gonna review whatever triggers my opinion impulse, new and old. There will be scores! Everybody likes a score when they read a review, and I shall not disappoint. There will be hyperbole! IT WILL BE THE GREATEST REVIEW BLOG OF ALL TIME! See what I did there? Anyways, that's about it. I think you get the idea, right? This isn't groundbreaking stuff. I review, you read review, we disagree and I get called names, so I try to verbally slap you in the face but you are too quick and so I miss and look silly. Pretty standard. So let's get started!Thomashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06090865863606803172noreply@blogger.com0