Movie Review: Galaxy Quest? More like Galaxy... Best... ugh.

I remember where and when I first saw Galaxy Quest like it was yesterday some random day years ago, which is to say not very well at all.  I do remember clearly my surprise at how excellent the movie was, seeing as how I had never heard anything about it from anyone.  Looking back on it now, I don't know how I didn't anticipate it's greatness.  Chalk it up to the naivete of youth, or the lack of hype from Hollywood, or the stupidity of Thomas.  None of that matters now, though.  What matters is that Galaxy Quest and I found each other, and have had a beautiful relationship since then.

I can't deny that this looks pretty lame.

For those of you who are not initiated, Here is the briefest synopsis:  The cast of a Star Trek type television show is mistaken for actual heroes by an alien race seeking aid against a mighty alien foe.  The aliens pick up the whole cast from a comic-con type convention and bring them aboard a ship designed exclusively from the episodes of the old TV show.  I just got bored typing that much, so that is all you get.

Surely those of you who haven't seen the movie are skeptical.  I was skeptical myself until the glorious day when my laziness overcame my desire to find the television remote (Side note: Necessity is the mother of invention, but laziness is the mother of hey-look-what-I-found-because-it-was-right-within-arms-reach-but-it-turned-out-really-well-in-my-favor-so-suck-on-that-you-bunch-of-go-getters).  What makes the movie so good, you ask?  You didn't ask?  SOMEBODY ASKED, I HEARD IT.

First of all, the actors in this movie are phenomenal.  I didn't realize it at the time, but I love 90% of the people in this movie (yes, Tim Allen too).  It is a prime example of that movie where you keep thinking to yourself, "Oh, he is in this?  Waitwait, she is in this too?"  Yeah buddy, he and she both is.  Observe:

Tim Allen and Ms. We...woowww

Tim the Tool Man Taylor and S. Weaver
After playing himself on tool time, then himself turning in to Kris Kringle, Tim Allen decided to tackle something a little off the wall for him, something he couldn't relate to at all; washed up TV actor.  Where oh where could he have gotten his inspiration?  How was he able to channel this role so perfectly?  My guess is he took an acting class from James "Fivehead" VanDerbeek (zing!).  This was the part Tim Allen was born to play.

As for the female lead, well, I'm afraid of misspelling her name so I will just refer to her as "SW."  Having already proven her worth as a sci-fi action heroine in the Alien movies, SW decided to take another foray into the genre, this time as the "eye candy" role from the old Trek-esque TV show.  As you can tell from the picture above, she really, um, embraces the role wholeheartedly.  The banter between the two leads is excellent and probably a little bit genuine, as I imagine Tim Allen is sort of a prick*

*I blame Buzz Lightyear for making me think this.

Snape.  Snape.  Severus Snape.

Uh... have fun with that.

 








Snape and Monk
These guys are awesome.  Rididulously popular and successful television series aside, neither of these men ever get to be the "leading man," but they both bring so much to the table in every role they ever get their hands on.  In this movie, Alan Rickman gets to play the "Spock" type logical character, while Tony Sha... Monk basically plays an engineer who spends the entire movie stoned out of his mind.  They never show it, but I guarantee they were trying to imply it.  Both are hilarious, both deliver their lines perfectly, and both completely nail the satirical aspect of the movie perfectly.

Comic relief in a comedy?  Somehow yes.

  I can't think of any character he plays
No jokes here, basically Sam Rockwell steals the show.  Just another in the long list of great actors who were perfect for this movie, this is the character that will get the most laughs out of people that are familiar with Star Trek, mostly because (NERD KNOWLEDGE REDACTED).




Some other notable people in the movie are Justin Long as probably himself, Rainn Wilson before there was an Office, and the token black guy who, despite not being Gus from the TV show Psych, does an excellent job as the former child actor of the bunch.  In short, everybody is good.  I guess I could have just said that to start with.

Basically, I can't urge you enough to watch this movie if you haven't already.  Whether you like Star Trek or not, this movie is absolutely hilarious, and accomplishes the feat of being a brilliant satire and also a true homage to it's source better than pretty much every other movie of its ilk.  See it.

SCORES
This might come as a bit of a surprise, but I'm going to give this movie high marks.

*****  <---- that is Five Stars!
10/10 <-------- A perfect ten!
A+  <---------- I went to hippie school so I don't understand GPA!  But I know that is good!

   

Redbox is Chocolatebox

I'm sure most of you have seen the movie Forrest Gump by now, and I'm sure you remember the famous line: "Life is like a box of chocolates.  You never know what you're gonna get."  Well guess what else is like a box of chocolates?  Redbox.

Prepare yourself for mediocrity.

Let me clear this up real quick.  Redbox isn't like a new box of chocolates.  It is the box of chocolates that has been sitting around in the break room at work, full of promise but delivering only disappointment.  If you aren't familiar with this phenomenon, here is a little dramatization:

    One day at (INSERT COMPANY NAME HERE), Ted left the sales floor and went to the break room, looking forward to relaxing for a few minutes before getting back out on the floor and helping customers find just the right Christmas gift.   

   He entered the break room, and was pleasantly surprised at what he found; emptiness.  Not a soul in sight, not even in the Comfy Chair.  He began whistling 'Jingle Bells' as he sauntered over to the Comfy Chair, and was just about to sit down when he saw it: A box of chocolates on the table in the corner, with a little sign that said "MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY! TAKE ONE!"  Unable to believe his good luck, he hurried over to the box and snatched the top off, ready to claim his prize.

  His cheerful whistling trailed off as Ted was suddenly faced with a difficult decision.  He clearly wasn't the first person to get to the chocolates, not even close.  There were a couple chocolates remaining, but without the chocolate chart there was no telling which flavors were left.  Everybody else couldn't possibly have know which ones to avoid and which ones to eat, could they?

    He grabbed one at random and popped it into his mouth just as Betty, his boss, walked in.  "Heya Ted!  You are doing great out there today!  Everybody loves how cheerful..."  But Ted interrupted her, mouth half full, practically growling as he spoke.

               "I have to go home, Betty, I don't feel well."
               "What?  Ted, I don't understand, you seem so energetic..."
               "There's a cherry in it, Betty.  I have to go"
               "A cherry in it?  In what, Ted?"
               "THERES A DAMN CHERRY IN IT BETTY, I'M LEAVING!"
               "O-ok Ted, no problem.  Just go home and get some rest ok?"

     Ted walked past her and straight out of the building.  Everyone he passed could only Hear him muttering about "cherries" or repeating to himself "How did they know? HOW DID THEY KNOW?? 

What does all of that have to do with Redbox?  Just imagine Redbox as Chocolatebox, and think of how many times you went to open the box hoping to find something delicious to watch eat wheatch, only to find the orange creme and cherry filled movies left.

My metaphor got tangled, but you get the point.  You go in to Redbox hoping to find The Avengers, but end up having to choose between Wesley Snipes' latest direct-to-video crapfest or a romantic comedy starring Seth Rogen and Barbara Streisand andnowivethrownuponmykeyboard.  Seriously I'm already hating the future of my Redbox trips.

Trash is usually free.

Whoever made this hates everyone.

 

                                                

YOU
CANT
CHOOSE
WISELY 

That being said, maybe you will be one of the lucky ones.  Just maybe you will be the one to open Redbox/Chocolatebox and find nothing but delicious treasure with just a few pieces of nastiness inside.  Or maybe you'll just chew on some crap.

SCORES FOR REDBOX

Convenience: 10/10
Price: 10/10
Actually having anything worth watching: 2/10
People in front of you don't know how to operate the machine properly so they take forever and they have to look  through every stupid movie two times before they finally decide on whatever the last crappy movie Gerard Butler put out was:  10/10, or 0/10, whichever one is bad, I got confused.

Overall: I hate you Redbox, except when I want to watch crappy movies.

Celebrity Review: The Pretty Much One Faces of Danny Trejo

OK everybody, I want you to close your eyes (but keep reading).  Think of a movie with a villain in it.  Preferably an action film, but it doesn't have to be.  Now think about the right hand henchman of that villain.  What do you see?

Scaring Good Guys Since 1944

Of course that is what you see.  How could you not?  Danny Trejo may be the hardest working man in Hollywood, with IMDB crediting him in a completely ridiculous 241 titles.  That is just about double the number of credits I can find for almost anyone else that I thought to look up (Full Disclosure: I didn't look anybody else up), and he isn't showing any signs of slowing.  In 2013, he already has THIRTEEN DAMNED TITLES that he is attached to, and 2013 hasn't even started yet.  It seems impossible, I know, so I began thinking to myself: how can this be?  It seems like he is in too many places all at the same time.  Does he never sleep?

And then it dawned on me.

Danny Trejo is not just one man.  Danny Trejo is Triplets.



I'm gone back and done exhaustive research tried to remember as many of his roles as possible to see if I can point out where Danny Trejo ends and Danny Trejo begins.  It's a working theory, but here is what I have come up with so far.

DANNY TREJUNO

Stache-less Trejo?  The gods forfend.

The scene stealer.  This is the Trejo who you see in the most high profile roles, eating up screen time and badassing his way into the hearts and minds of moviegoers everywhere.  You probably got your first glimpse of Trejuno in From Dusk Til Dawn, Desperado, or Anaconda.  But Most likely you remember him from his turn in Con Air as "Johnny-23," where he earned the distinction of being the only person ever to play a rapist and not be the creepiest character in the movie (Thanks for the nightmares, Steve Buschemi!).  Although he usually plays the villain, it is said that he only agrees to sign on as the villain as long as he is going to die at the end.  What a Trejero!  (pronounced tray-HERE-oh)

DANNY TREDOS
Much more elusive is Danny Tredos, the one that does the dirty work.  He is the one you are watching when you see him turn up for an episode or two of some random television show, usually to kill somebody or attempt to kill somebody or talk about killing somebody or get killed by somebody.  The truth about Tredos is that he just isn't as good of an actor as his twin brother Trejuno, and too much exposure would surely expose the ruse.  Next time you are watching your favorite show and Tredos appears on the screen, be sure to raise your glass and toast him for doing what his brother won't do, and doing it well.

DANNY TRESJO
Sometime around the year 2000, a strange thing happened.  Nobody knows how or why, but Danny Trejo appeared in a movie, and not strictly as a villain.  My "sources" (AKA brain) indicate that the third Trejo Triplet, who had shunned the acting business his whole life, was suddenly given an opportunity due to scheduling conflicts that Trejuno and Tredos had at the time.  The result?  the "Machete" character in Spy Kids, resulting eventually in his own movie in which finally a Trejo, ever the villain, became a hero at last.  "reports" (this blog) indicate that the success of Tresjo as a movie hero has created a rift among the triplets, a score that will only be settled in a cage match whenever the trio decides to reveal their secret to the world.

A true underdog story.

 I know what you must be thinking right now; yes, I really did think this one through.  I've covered all of the angles here, and there is no way I am wrong.  Trejo is three men... unless he is actually four men, which is a theory I'm willing to entertain if not endorse.  If any of you are thinking of writing the Trejos and extorting them for money in exchange for not outing them, think very carefully about what you are doing.  I don't want to be the person responsible for sending Tredos back to jail.

Time to test your knowledge!

Match the correct Trejo to the corresponding roles:

A. Trejuno                                          Predators
                                                          Anchorman
B. Tredos                                           Reindeer Games    
                                                          Breaking Bad
C. Tresjo                                            Modern Family

Highlight the white bar for the answers!

A,C,A,B,B

Only Sort of a Review: Talk-to-Text

Hello everyone!  I was wondering to myself recently what I should review next for the blog.  A celebrity?  A band perhaps?  Maybe that creepy house across the street? (note to self: blog about that later.)  Before I could make a definite decision on my own, I became inspired.  I decided to try out the talk-to-text function on my cell phone just to see how unreliable it was, but was shocked to find that it in fact works extremely well!  So now, when I find my hands full of babies rescued from fires heroically defused bombs Chick-Fil-A, I will be able to send perfectly coherent text messages without trouble!

But that isn't why we are here.

No, after trying all seven of George Carlin's words that you can't say on TV and discovering my phone could understand and translate them all, (even if it did censor them! What a bunch of bulls***, phone!  NOT YOU TOO, BLOGGER!) the only next logical step was to see what happened when I sang at full volume into the phone.  The results?  F***ING PRICELESS.

Cab jew dake me hi urn?

I want everybody else to have as much fun as I have had with Sing-to-Text technology, so I have prepared for you a helpful guide to get best results.  Remember people, this is an art, not a science, and it might take you some time to figure out how to get the best results.  If at any point you find yourself thinking, "Thomas, this isn't funny at all," don't panic; you are just doing it wrong. Follow my advice, and thank me later.

PREPARATION
When preparing yourself for sing-to-text, it is important to consider many different variables.  Where you are, who you are with, and what song you choose can all have serious effect on the outcome.  Make sure that you employ at least one, but preferably multiple of the following practices when preparing:

• Choose a band/singer with a distinct voice, preferably one that growls a little (Pearl Jam) or makes noises after every word for no reason (Metallica.)  Basically any 90's grunge music is a slam dunk.
• Pick a song you don't know all the words to.  Sing too clearly and your smart phone will be smart enough to catch every word, and then you are just singing to your phone like a sad, lonely little weirdo.
• Play the song in the background simultaneously.  The background noise can't do anything but help to confuse your poor smart phone, while giving you a frame of reference.
• Sing with a friend!  Duets are more fun, and guaranteed to blow your phone's pitiful little mind.
• Avoid singers with high pitch voices.  In my experience, it just makes your phone give up, rendering disappointing results. 

EXECUTION
Sing loud and sing proud.  If you are an excellent singer, you may have to mess up a little bit on purpose, but that is just fine.  Cheating you say?  I say I JUST MADE UP THE RULES AND NO IT AIN'T.  Don't abide by the breaks in lyrics during the song, your phone will jump on the opportunity to process what you have already sung.  Sneaky bastard phone!

RESULTS
This is the best part, obviously.  If you did everything correctly, you should have some truly nonsensical gibberish that may also surprise you with a little bit of insight.  Here are a few of my favorites that have come from the brilliant mind of my GeniusPhone.

Disclaimer:  I don't know song names or sometimes band names.  Deal with it.

Alice in Chains- Rooster
-The first one I did, on a whim.  Not amazing, but I could tell there was real potential.  I think it was right at the beginning of the song:
 "Ayn Rand no way me then here on me yeah um um her staying and when I have time"
 -Like I said, nothing special.  But it made me try again, with:

Pearl Jam- Dissident(?)
-I couldn't believe my luck when Pearl Jam was next on the radio, so I hit the sing-to-text button and let it roll.  I forget which part of the song exactly this was. (I've added breaks where I feel my phone wanted them)
 "Oh I'm sorry were my girl/oh hell burger you're wrong"
 -Short and sweet.  I started laughing but then realized that might actually be what Eddie Vedder is singing in that song.  So I'm actually more excited about finding a method for deciphering Pearl Jam songs in the future.  I moved on to an old standby next, singing right over the radio.

Creed- Higher
-Just when you thought Creed didn't have anything to offer:
"Where to go/ order of banana man dollars/ damn come on and go/ order of worms/ girl on girl"
 -JACKPOT.  

Creed- Higher attempt #2
"Can you heard me to your house on girl who are birds/ brine beer on the ear"
-This is where I figure my phone became GeniusPhone.  It has deciphered Creed, and here you can see Creed admits to being a form of torture: "Brine beer on the ear."  Good work phone, you've cracked the code!

I did a couple more, but I'm bored of writing this.

ABRUPT ENDING

A Review of Grocery Shopping

I'm going to go ahead and end any suspense there may be on this post, and tell you that I absolutely hate grocery shopping, so any grocery store enthusiasts there may be wandering on to this blog, you may want to turn around now.

How people look at you when you say you like grocery shopping.

I'm willing to admit that this is probably a personal fault of mine, but I simply can't help it.  I have some kind of mental block that prevents me from acting like a normal human being once I get inside a grocery store.  The circumstances of the visit don't matter, nor do the people who I go with.  Once I cross that threshold, I suddenly devolve into A. An 11 year old child or B. a severely undermedicated basket case.  I'm assuming there was some kind of repressed trauma in my past buried deep in the recesses of my psyche that my family won't tell me about.  So what was it, family?  WHAT HAPPENED AT THE FOOD LION?

5 year old me may or may not be buried under there.

I've found that I have a hard time explaining just how much I hate grocery shopping to people, but that won't stop me from trying.  I think my best bet will be to walk you through a standard grocery store experience, step by excruciating step.  Am I overreacting? Yuuuuup.  And I'll be overreacting in CAPITAL LETTERS a lot too.  To make this most realistic, I'm going to walk you through it as though my roommate, who I will refer to as Lars Barnarnars, is with me for the trip, since I don't often brave the grocery store alone.

THE FOLLOWING EVENTS TAKE PLACE

EVERY SINGLE TIME I GO TO THE GROCERY

STORE EVER.

ARRIVAL: I'm already upset by the parking lot situation.  Everybody walks a little bit slower in a grocery store parking lot, every car parked a little bit worse.  Nobody looks when they pull out of their spaces, and that old lady is walking RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD INSTEAD OF OFF TO THE SIDE LIKE REGULAR HUMAN UGH.  OK I'm sorry I'm sorry, I'm getting upset already.  Inevitably we park much farther away than we should, and trudge sullenly into the grocery store of choice (please god not Food Lion).

FRUITS/VEGETABLES: After wrestling free a shopping cart from the long row of carts, getting some unidentifiable gunk all over yourself from the handle and getting another cart, you realize that your new cart is WORSE THAN THE FIRST CART RRAARRGH.  It's probably got the gunk from the first cart, as well as a bad wheel, and probably a moldy McDonalds cup or somebody's lost child in it.  If I were by myself, I would hastily grab several apples, a bundle of bananas, and some lettuce and move on.  Thankfully Lars Barnarnars is there to calmly and carefully select an appropriate array of fruits and vegetables for the next couple of weeks while swatting my hand as I reach for the croutons and craisins.  She'll thank me for the practice when she has some kids.

MEATS: As the roomate takes care of the ground beef and chicken situation, I swagger confidently (Sons of Anarchy style) to the hot dogs/sandwich meats section; here is something I can handle.  The selection:

1. One 8 pack of hot dogs, Ball Park.  All beef franks, or honestly whatever the hell hot dogs you want.  It's all the same.
2. 1 pack sliced turkey
3. 1 pack sliced roast beef
4. 1 pack sliced ham (optional)

Feeling pleased with myself over my poor food choices, I rejoin Lars Barnarnars who bought us real food that we won't be ashamed to eat later.  No unnecessary capital letters for this leg of the journey.

What I expect to find in every toothbrush box.

 PERSONAL HYGIENE: ARM AND LEG SPENT ON SHAMPOOS, SOAPS, TOOTHBRUSH- RRRAAAAGGGEE!!


WHATEVER IS NEXT. CEREAL?  BEANS OR SOMETHING?: Confronted by an impossible selection of delicious cereals (not even Lars can save me here), I go in to total shutdown mode.  I make what is probably the worst possible selection health wise (BEST OPTION DELICIOUS WISE) and throw it dejectedly into someone else's grocery cart.  Peanut butter has also been bought, which makes me vaguely happy.

SALAD DRESSING: The only time where my roommate steers me wrong.  I think we generally spend an hour here as she carefully chooses the most healthy and probably very delicious choice.  I'm unwilling to accept her sage advice, grabbing some random vinaigrette ranch dressing and moving on.

Free at last, Dobby picked up a second job as Doughnut Goblin

CHEESE: The only acceptable choice here is "everything."  The roommate will not allow us to buy one of each, but an acceptable compromise of "lots of cheese" is reached.  I try to sneak doughnuts into the cart but they miraculously disappear when my back is turned.  Touche, doughnut goblin, touche.



BREAD/CHIPS: Sensing the end, I devolve from 11 year old to 6 year old with ADHD.  The shins and ankles of Lars Barnarnars become a victim of blunt force trauma with a shopping cart.  Everyone is very impressed by the authenticity of the trumpet and race car noises I'm making with my mouth, and also how far I can ride the cart without touching my feet to the ground.  BBQ chips please.

CHECKOUT: My face becomes more and more frowny as the total climbs ever higher.  Bagging is a whole new frustration, usually best left to the professionals.  If the roommate is present, I usually meander over to the Redbox and don't get anything while Lars handles the business.  Check is in the mail, Ms. Barnarnars!

THE END: Unparalleled joy.  The ordeal is over, and I have food for my own refrigerator that I have to PREPARE in order to EAT IT like SOME KIND OF IRON CHEF AMERICA.  Oh no, the pain of the grocery store never ends. Never.

So, in case it wasn't clear enough, here are the scores of the grocery store experience:

Grocery store- TERRIBLE out of TERRIBLE.  Because it's TERRIBLE.      

An Old News Reviews Guide to Christmas Movies

Clearly, CLEARLY it is winter time.  You know what I hate about winter?  Pretty much everything except snow (as long as it melts within 2 days), sports (as long as the Panthers/Blue Devils are good), my bed (which I like all the time), and watching Christmas movies.  Even as I sit here typing, I have been defeated by a mild winter day.  It's colder than I like in my apartment for shorts, but I hate wearing jeans.  The end result is I'm wearing pajama pants, which is the universal symbol for giving up for the day.  Thanks alot Winter!

This poster is not harsh enough.

That being said, I've curled up in my bed, wearing pajama pants and socks (GRR SOCKS, REALLY??), waiting for my beloved Blue Devils to beat play appear against an Ohio State team that beat them by like 75 last year, so what better to do to kill time than watch one of my favorite Christmas movies?  Many of you must have come to a similar conclusion in recent days, only to find you are asking yourself:  But which movie?  Have no fear, joyful revelers, Old News Reviews is here to help you make your decision!




Below I have compiled a list of THE BEST Christmas movies around, and which personalities match up with them best.  This is, figuratively, the greatest list of it's kind ever forged.  Believe in my list and ye shall find holiday joy or you won't but only because you are a scroogey buzzkill. Without further ado, here is the list!

So this one time I made a blog, then made a couple of posts on said blog, then gave up on it.  But guess what lucky readers?  I GOT BORED and now you get to read THIS IMPORTANT REVIEW!  It's been so long that this blog itself has become old news.  I'm so meta, I just can't handle myself sometimes.

To kick off the return of my blog, I have chosen to review my latest and most current netflix obsession: Sons of Anarchy.  Why this show, you may ask?  You didn't ask did you?  Because I don't have a legitimate answer so stop bothering me.

I hate to be the one to tell you this Mr. Grim Reaper, but "assault rifle scythe" is stupid.

For those of you who are unfamiliar, Sons of Anarchy is a show about a ragtag band of misfits who ride around on motorcycles in a town called Charming, committing every violent crime there is and running a gun selling operation, all with minimal consequences.  These are supposed to be the good guys, by the way, who only do what they do "for the good of Charming," and to "Keep the drugs out of Charming."  Just to recap:

DRUGS!

 GUNS!

They've sure got their priorities straight!  For those of you thinking about watching the show, I'm going to give you a quick run-down of the major characters, and their best and worst traits.  Hopefully this will help you make up your mind.

                     BEST                                                        WORST

• Clay- He's Ron Perlman                               He has Ron Perlman's face
• Jax- The "Good Guy'                                   Uncontrollable Swagger Walk
• Gemma- Strong Female Presence                 Meddlesome MEDDLESOME UGH
• Tara- Pretty? Doctor? uh... hmmm.               "WAAAHH I'M SO CONFLICTED"
• Opie- Epic Beardface                                   Epic Saaaadface
• Tig- Wild Card                                             Creepy As All Hell
• Bobby- The Conscience of the Group           Fat Elvis                                          
• Chibs- Irish                                                  Gnarly Face Scarring
• Juice- Most Upbeat Character                      They Never Tell us What Kind of Juice
• Piney- Oxygen Tank Gangster                       He's a Surly Old Coot

Preeeetty much all anyone needs to know about anyone on the show.  Did I leave a couple out?  I did.  Do I plan on fixing that?  WHY DON'T YOU F$*!ING FIX IT, GAHHH!

With that important information, I'm sure you are rushing to whichever device has your Netflix instant on it, but not so fast! I have a few pieces of helpful advice that you should heed before diving in.

1: Pay careful attention to how you walk after watching the show.  Don't let the ultra-swagger rub off on you.
2: When you start wondering to yourself "Who the hell is Sam Crow," I'm here to help.  It's a bird that the whole motorcycle club worships to behind closed doors.  You won't see it until season 2.
3: Bad news:  You will never stop thinking of Bobby as the guy who stole falafel from the street vendor in Batman Begins.
4: DON'T try counting how many man-hugs happen on the show, I lost count at around 100,000.  DO make sure you have your man-hug technique down.  Arms diagonal, boys, arms diagonal.  Two slaps on the back.
5: There will be lots of motorcycle chases.  *SPOILER ALERT* Motorcycle chases are boring!

I'm going back to watching Sons of Anarchy now.  Hopefully there will be more reviews to follow, but in the meantime here are the scores!

Shootouts that go unnoticed: 10/10
Trustworthiness & Honesty: 0/10
Bad Decisions:                    11/10
Roundtable Voting:              High
Sudden Character Death:    Abundant 

A Review of Some Things People Say

Those of you who have spent any amount of time with me have probably noticed that there isn't much you can say that will offend me.  I tend to make some crude and off-color remarks, as do my friends, so it would be unfair of me to be offended if I heard someone else do the same.  That being said, there are plenty of phrases that I have come to realize bother. the. SHIT out of me.  Words or phrases that I wish could be removed entirely from the English language.  Alas, I have not that power, so what I will do instead is bring them all up here so that people will kindly stop using them when I am around.  No way will this backfire.

Let just jump right into this shall we?

1. "Tour de Force."  I'm sure many of you have read or heard a review when somebody used this one.  As in 'Tom Cruises performance was a tour de force!'  What this is essentially saying is 'Hay guys I didn't have time to watch this movie, but I can't have Tom Cruise mad at me soooo... tour de force?'  If I see this statement used, I feel compelled to ignore every opinion this person ever has, or ever has had.  So yeah, I kinda don't like that one.
2. "Rom-Com."  Yes, Yes I get it.  Its a Romantic Comedy.  How very descriptive and short in comparison!  If only you could avoid sounding like a total douche factory when you said it.
3. "Douche Factory"  I take it back.
4. "Frenemies."  Alright, I like slamming two words together as much as the next guy, if not more so, but this is just going too far.  It doesn't make any sense! It DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.  Please note that if you say this to me in person, for at least 24 hours you will look and sound like that total douche factory asshole Zach(k) Braff, which means I will probably try to sucker punch you at my earliest convenience.
5. "You would be surprised."  When people presume that I would be surprised, I feel like I am obligated to give them their own surprise.  *spoiler alert!*  My surprise rhymes with Doop in your Dillowcase.
6. "Hey, you are sunburned."  As though the person does not notice that they have not only turned a different color than they have been for their entire life, but also that they will be forced to walk around in a painful, sweaty, irritating reminder of the fact that they were too lazy or careless or stupid to do 10 minutes of preparation.  I have to assume that you tell other people because you are too much of a dead-to-the-world idiot to realize your own skin is burned, so you feel like you are doing people a favor. 

He knows.

I guess that is enough for now.  There are more, but I already have those six to look forward to hearing twice as much now because my friends are evil people and I'm too stupid not to post this.  Just to balance things out, here are a few things that I do enjoy hearing:

"Yes you can have this money"
Anything by They Might Be Giants
"Braves win"
"Blunderbuss"
"Dollar Tacos"
"Starring Bruce Willis"

yeah.

Team review: 2010 Carolina Panthers. Comedy or Horror?

I'm baaaack! Now that I am slightly less obsessed with Call of Duty: Black Ops, I again have some extra time to devote to equally pointless affairs like this here blog here. Lucky you!
 
I would like to speak today about my beloved Carolina Panthers, 2010 version. Obviously the first question that may pop into your head is: Why waste all those words? Because they are hilariously, horrifically bad, that's why. But are they more hilarious, or are they just scary bad? Lets take a look.

Jimmy Clausen: Guest of Honor at Douche Hair conference 2010

PRESEASON
Perhaps even during the preseason we should have seen the warning signs about what was to come.  Perhaps many of us did, and chose to ignore them.  Perhaps everyone kept mentioning what a rough year it was going to be and I told them Matt Moore was gonna do fine... oh hilarity.  Here are just a few of the preseason indicators that should have told me otherwise:

1. See above photo... we drafted that guy?  They really dug deep looking for a football player who doesn't look like he's ever played football.  Surprise!  He Hasn't!
2. Steve Smith breaks his arm playing FLAG football.  Ho..ly... shit.
3. Matt Moore is a starting quarterback.  HOLY SHIT.
4. Panthers 0-4 in preseason, fail to score an offensive touchdown.  Just lying low I'm sure.....? Please?
5. Jerome Bettis picks Panthers as worst team in the league.  HOLY... waitaminute we should take him seriously?  You do now, dontcha Panther fans!

Who's laughin' now, bitches?!?

 The Season Begins
Let's ignore that amazing preseason everybody.  Its a new year, Matt Moore has shown he can play.  Right?  He's gotta be better than Jake Delhomme last year, right?  Right?!?!

WRONG! IDIOTS! HAH!

Believe it or not, just a couple weeks into the season we would be begging for ol' Jake back, or at least a quarterback change.  Let's see that new guy!  The one who looks like a guy I would love to punch in the face have as a quarterback cast as the mean jock in a high school dramedy!  Too much credit still?  Maybe more like the mean jock's silent, ugly friend?  Yes that suits him better.

Game 5: The Season Ends.

Oh yes, here the season ended.  Now I might be wrong about which game Clausen entered the starting lineup, but make no mistake:  As soon as that happened, this sham of a season of football was definitively over.  It wasn't so much that our buddy Jimmy Pickle threw too many interceptions, like his predecessors Delhomme and Moore, but it was more the fact that he couldn't handle a snap or convert a first down.  It was around this time, I might also add, that DeAngelo Williams went down with an injury, never to return.  Jonathan Stewart seemed to have a mild case of "Itis" for most of the season as well.  Probably neither of them wanted to get their hands dirty from all of the Turds That Jimmy Threw.

Where is Steve Smith during all this?  Well, Matt Moore seemed to find him ok, in the Pre-Claussen era.  3 touchdowns in the first 3 games... yay fantasy football!  Then, the dark Claussen Days fell upon us.  Steve Smith literally didn't touch the ball for the rest of the season (don't look that up).  Sooo... top three scorers from last year a non-factor? Check.  Worst quarterback in the league?  Check.  Most irritatingly enthusiastic head coach in the face of utter ineptitude?  Double check.

The fantastic Mr. Fox, celebrating an exceptional lack of talent.

 After the season:

I would like to take a quick moment to thank Andrew Luck for running scared away from our number 1 pick.  Honestly man, I don't blame you.  But that won't stop me from making fun of you... eh screw it, good call man.  And Ron Riveira?  Good luck with that quarterback you don't have, hope it works out real well for ya.  And since I feel like it, I would like to leave you with one parting shot at man of the year Jimmy Claussen, as a thank you for ruining our season.

Silly Panthers, Emu can't play quarterback!

Ha.  Hahahahaha.  Oh its spot on, is it not?

So are they the worst ever?  Derek Pons thinks so, but you already know what kind of man he is (zing!).  Maybe not the worst, but we did let an emu play quarterback for over half the season.

The Verdict:

Hilarious- 9/10

Horrifying- 8/10

Quarterback- I like to think we didn't have one.

Coaching- Record set for claps-per-game, not much else.

Overall:  Now I hate football.

Celebrity Review- Nicolas Cage: Best Worst Actor Ever

They forgot to mention BRILLIANT.

 Quickly everyone, name the 5 worst Nicolas Cage movies of all time.  I know I know, it's too difficult right?  Who else has done more ridiculously poor movies than Nicholas Cage?  I challenge you to come up with someone worse (if you just thought to yourself "Jason Statham," then close but no cigar.)  What sets Nic Cage apart from the rest of the actors with a slew of bad movies, however, is the fact that he has been in a number of very good films as well.  This is where I propose you find the genius of Nicolas Cage: He may very well be the greatest bad actor of all time.  Nobody else can pull off the bad-but-good schtick as well as Mr. Cage can.   Nobody.  (Brendam Frasier is a close second place, so stop freaking out Frasiernatics.)  Even during the worst of movies, I never fail to be entertained by Nic and his over-the-top craziness.  Perhaps it is his gift to the moviegoers of the world that he refuses to let these bad movies go as simply bad movies.  I see no other explanation, really, so everybody say "Thank you Nicolas Cage!"  ....good, now we can move on.

Just for kicks, lets go over some of Nic Cage's Best bad movie's, and some of the best moments from those.  I'm going to start with one that I just watched last night:

The Sorcerer's Apprentice-  Just one of many movies that would be nearly unwatchable if not for the raw and viscerable performance by Nicolas Cage.  Watch in this scene, the first one of the movie, as Nicolas Cage shows you what acting is all about.  The kid in the scene asks an obvious and completely fair question.  Cage, noting that the movie had so far been lacking in the intensity department, makes a judgement call and forcefully injects some power into what I believe was his 4th line of the movie.  Indeed, nobody does it like Cage.

 

Tell that kid who is boss, you badass!

The Wicker Man: In one of his more famous pieces of bad/great acting, Nic Cage gives us a good idea of what it would be like to have a swarm of bees poured into your net helmet.  A disclaimer on this clip: When I watched this film in its entirety (don't do that) on HBO, this scene was not in the movie, leading me to believe that it may have been a deleted scene.  Which poses the question: who on EARTH would delete this scene from any movie?  Especially a movie as bad as The Wicker Man?!?  This would have increased the enjoyability of this movie tenfold.  I waited for it literally the entire time I was watching.

Breathtaking.  Note how he claimed to have bees in his eyes, yet they appear to stay away from the eyes.

Bangkok Dangerous- I figure Cage took one look at the title of this movie and knew he had to be in it.  It is obviously his cup of tea.  In this scene, Nicolas Cage is on a date with a deaf girl, and they are eating Thai food.  Note how Cage makes absolutely certain that everyone in the audience knows what is happening in this scene.  I couldn't find a video I could embed, but here is a link to the clip on youtube.  By the way, if you watch this you have seen nearly everything you need to see from this movie.  Please trust me on this one, for your own good.

Nicolas Cage being an acting legend.
If you have ever been on a date like this, its time to throw in the towel.  Just saying.

I could go on and on about Nic Cage and his library of amazing bad movies, but I don't want to do that because it will take too long.  Instead, I will try to list a couple more of his bad movies for you to check out:

• Ghost Rider- Haven't seen it, don't need to.
• The Bad Lietenant: Port of Call New Orleans- Worse than the title, epic Cage moments/
• G-Force
• Knowing
• Next

And in the interest of fairness, here is a list of good movies he is in:

• The Rock
• Con Air
• Face/Off
• Adaptation
• Raising Arizona

It seems, however, that he stopped making good movies after he decided to get into a bad hair contest with Tom Hanks.

Good news, Nic.  Tom Hanks forfeited a looong time ago.

Thanks for everything, Nic Cage!

Scores:

Hair: 0/10
Crazy: 10/10
Legendary Status: Secure

Toy Review: the NERF N-Strike Rapid Fire AS-20. Crappy name, epic toy.

Wanna know the most satisfying feeling in the world? Go grab your NERF gun. If you don't have one, then ask one of your friends to punch you in your balls/face because you are an idiot, then get them to take you to Target so you can join the ranks of cool people. Now that you have a NERF gun, try shooting any of your friends in the face with it. You don't get that feeling of sweet satisfaction unless you do this from at least 5 meters, and you really need to do it with one of the classic suction dart style bullets for that satisfying slap noise that means you've scored a direct hit. If performed successfully, this will result in an automatic shit-eating grin that is pretty much incurable, at least until somebody does the same thing to you. Rinse and repeat. Look, it even works for dogs!


OK, that guy is hilarious.


Pretty much any NERF gun can lead to this world of happiness, but I believe I have found the best one for the job. It is called, rather unfortunately, the N-Strike Rapid Fire AS-20. I'm going to go ahead and call it the NERF Hilarity, because that is what it causes when used.

It should be called the NERF Face Ruiner

 It's hard to describe this gun in words and do it justice.  All NERF guns are great, of course, but nothing else seems to measure up to this little bit of perfection.  It is small enough to carry in one hand and, say, hide behind your back, but it is also large enough to put the Fear into all who oppose your NERF power.  But that's not really the best use for this gun.

What is the best use for the gun, you undoubtedly have asked yourself?  Invite a friend over, hide until they come in, then jump out and unload 20 rounds on them so fast that they won't even have time to properly pee themselves.  Not only does it shoot unreasonably fast, but the thing is loud.  Even better for the surprise factor.  To top it all off, it is accurate enough that in skilled hands, you can probably land all 20 shots and you can probably land them all on the face which, after all, is the point of a NERF gun.

But NERF is for kids!  Everybody is sure to try to tell you that.  I have prepared for you a suitable answer should this problem arise.  Shoot this person in the face with your brand new NERF gun, preferably multiple times, and say "Who's the kid now?"  This will properly demonstrated both your maturity and also how reasonable you are.  Not to mention afterwards you will have a huge smile on your face.  If you don't believe me, then believe these celebrities:

I shot Ben Affleck in the face with my NERF, and look at me now!

NERF is better than winning an Oscar!

Before I finish, I would like to take a moment to thank NERF for creating the perfect toy.  Not only can we approximate extreme violence with these toys, we can do it without any possible chance of hurting your friends.  Kudos, NERF!

Final scores for the NERF Hilarity:

Dart capacity: 10/10
Rate of Fire: 15/10
Range: 8/10
Shock Value: 10/10
Rate of Dart Loss: Stupid high.

Overall:  You pretty much made the perfect gun here, NERF.  Time to find a new line of work.

Game Review: Farkle- a Game of Guts, Luck, and a whole lot of Cursing

Many games vie for the title of "best dice game of all time."  Yahtzee.  3 man.  Craps.  That game that Adam and I made up when we were drunk that one time but now we can't remember how you play it (it was called Damn It, and it was a game for badasses).  All of these games attempt to lay claim to the title GOAT.  That's Greatest of All Time to those of you who don't read about sports all the time like a big nerd.  But then...

A New Challenger Approaches!!!!

      VS.

Let's take a look at these two games, side by side, and see which one is really the best.  Remember, this is simply science at work, so if you don't like the outcome, then talk to Sir Isaac Newton.

If you don't believe in science, then how do you explain that hair?

Yahtzee is the clear favorite coming in.  This isn't Yahtzee's first rodeo, no sir, and it sure knows how to bring it when it needs to.  Five die to start with, and three chances to come up with the best score you can get.  Five die?  Three chances?  The younger, more fresh Farkle laughs at this pathetic attempt at game making.

Advantage: Farkle

Farkle doesn't appear to be intimidated at all in this match up... no, Farkle seems to be taking it right to Yahtzee from the opening bell.  Yahztee fires with 5 die to start the round, and oh it doesn't look good for Farkle.... but wait!  Farkle counters with a staggering 6 die first throw!  Unbelievable!  I've never seen such a thing!

This crazy bastard will science-slap the shit out of you.

Thats right people, 6 die.  And you know what?  You can have an infinite number of rolls provided your dice rolling skills are GOAT.  Talk about a hardcore dice game.  So Farkle wins, right?  Not so fast, loyal reader.  The strategic edge goes to Yahtzee, hands down.  It even says so right there on the Farkle box: "A game of guts and luck."  What that means is, you essentially need all of the brains of a concussed 3rd grader to win at this game.  Good thing or bad thing?  I'll let you decide.  Just remember, if you say that's a good thing then that means you are stupid.  Science again.  Cry to Albert Einstein if you don't agree.

Advantage: Yahtzee

What else sets these two games apart?  How about the scorecard?  For Farkle, all you need is a simple piece-of-paper-and-pen configuration, where if you want to play Yahtzee without the official scorecard, you better be able to replicate that thing.  Do you know how to add?  If you answered yes, you have everything you need to get started with Farkle.  Are you the biggest Yahztee nerd in history?  If you answered yes, then not only can you play Yahtzee with just a paper or pen, but you should also probably punch yourself in the nose.  Nerd it up on something cooler, or at least more popular.

Advantage: Farkle

Presentation?  This one is all Yahtzee.  How much snazzier does Yahtzee look than Farkle.  It's no contest.

Advantage: Yahtzee

Well, now that I invented something else for Yahtzee to win at, it's all tied up.  The tiebreaker shall be... an irritation off!  Which of these two games makes people more irritated?  Which one of these will cause you and your friends to flip out, curse, and throw the game across the room?  Everybody knows that how good a board game is is in direct correlation to how annoyed the players get.  I've played both of these games, so I am here to answer this difficult question for you.  Here's the breakdown:

       
       Yahtzee:  How annoying is this game?  Tell me after you've gone 5 turns in a row without getting the small straigh and your friend next to you JUST GOT THEIR SECOND YAHTZEE OF THE ROUND OH MY GOD.  Yeah, it's pretty irritating.  But you know what?  I'm always mad at the person next to me when I play this.  Yahtzee allows you to too easily blame your woes on everyone else, including that elusive Luck.  I'm going to name my second child Luck, just so everyone is always talking about how good he/she/it is or how bad he/she/it is.  But I digress.

       Farkle:  Ahh, here is a real game of irritation.  Watch as the person next to you rolls 10 consecutive times racking up the points, and then get ready for your turn.  Do you play it safe?  Take the points?  Or do you try to roll again and again like your friend there.  The worst part is, you have no one to blame but yourself when everything goes wrong.  I swear more than a pirate having a bad day on the golf course when I play this game, but I can't point the finger anywhere but right back at myself. @!$*.

Advantage: Farkle

So there you have it.  I could go into helpful things that most reviews might have like rules, or number of players, or cost of the game, but that's not really how I roll.  Instead, I'll give you these made up judges scorecards.

Judge #1: 3-2 Farkle

Judge #2: 3-2 Farkle

Judge #3: 4-1 Farkle

Judge #4: 5-0 Yahztee (He's French)

Judge #5: 2-2-1 Tie

Farkle Wins Bitches!  And in case you had any doubts before... do you want this to happen to you?

Case Closed.

Food Review: PB&J

Hello! I apologize for the lack of reviews in several days.  It's been busy and blah blah blah.  OK, I got Call of Duty, and I've been a lazy turd, sue me.  Anyways, you're getting one now so quitcher bitchin'.

Disclaimer:  All depictions in this blog of any people, historical figures, or sandwiches real or fake, were made up on the spot but probably really happened too.

Simple yet elegant

Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches.  The quintessential child's lunch, I am fairly certain that everybody on the planet has had one at some time in their life (yes even you, you peanut allergic unfortunates.  How do you think your parents found out?).  If you are thinking to yourself right now, "Hey, I've never had a PB&J," then your next thought should be "Hey, I'm a big fat lying jerkwad.  My pants are probably on fire, on account of me being such a liar."  Yeah, you've had one.

What is it about the peanut butter and jelly sandwich that is so good?  Why all the hype?  For starters, you have peanut butter.  When George Washington Carver was messing around with the peanut* and came up with all of those 105 ways to eat a peanut, none was more critical to planet Earth than peanut butter.  I mean, come on guys, that stuff is amazing.

*Just a little side note, here.  I'm all for science and learning and all that other crap, but don't you think this guy maybe took it a little too far?  He could have stopped at, like, 40 ways to prepare peanut butter, and we all would have reacted the same way.  "Hey, way to go there, George, groundbreaking stuff... oh, no let us cook tonight.  No there won't be any peanuts.  George, what are you doing?!?!  No, George, please I was going to make a peanut brittle for desert!  George no stop I'm sorry!  Geeeooorrrrrgggee!

I'm crazy about peanuts!

Yeah I just made George Washington Carver in to a murdering peanut psychopath.  Sure did.  Good thing you read the disclaimer.

A true power couple.

And I have something to say to you people who think that peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are "not good."  You think that peanut butter and jelly don't belong together on a sandwich do you?  Are you really willing to split up those two after such a long and lucrative partnership?  Would you be the one to drive a wedge between the greatest duo in sandwich history, just because you had a bad experience in elementary school when you threw up all those PB&J's?  I didn't think so.




Now, as much as I love the old PB&J, there are a few critical variations that don't involve both components (meaning just peanut butter, because what else is jelly good for but toast?) that I would like to mention.

1. Peanut Butter and Honey:  Sweet deliciousness.  I'm told that some people think this is "weird" or "gross."  I have to be told by people, because when someone says that sort of thing to my face, my brain instantly translates it into "WHOOOAAA AWESOME."
2. Peanut Butter and Honey and Bacon:  I can't comment other than by saying holy shit.  Eat one of these, come back to this blog, and thank my mother for being a true visionary.  Mr. George Washington Carver ain't got a thing on her.
3. Peanut Butter and Banana:  The popularity of this sandwich mash up grows by the day.  Not my favorite, but I do recognize a winner when I see it.
4. Peanut Butter and Mayonnaise:  Sounds barfworthy, but I had it on a hot dog once (I was drunk, OK?).  Not as bad as it sounds, but not as good as whoever invented it would like you to think.
5. Peanut Butter and Pesto:  Just kidding!  Or am I?  Yeah I am.

I also feel I need to mention the unsung hero of this piece: milk.  With milk, a PB&J is about five times greater than without, and vice-versa (is that how you spell that? never tried it before).  Never have I enjoyed milk more than when I have it with a PB&J.  Milk is the behind-the-scenes force behind Peanut Butter and Jelly.  A true team player who doesn't need any of the credit for itself.  Here's to milk!



 So thats about it for the old PB&J.  Here are the scores:

Taste: 8/10 (9/10 w/ milk)
Affordability: 10/10
Versatility: 6/10 (Only so many kinds of J's you can use)
Replay value: Very High

Oh, and you're welcome for not posting the Peanut Butter Jelly Time! video.