|This poster is not harsh enough.|
Below I have compiled a list of THE BEST Christmas movies around, and which personalities match up with them best. This is, figuratively, the greatest list of it's kind ever forged. Believe in my list and ye shall find holiday joy or you won't but only because you are a scroogey buzzkill. Without further ado, here is the list!
FOR THE CHRISTMAS ENTHUSIAST: ELF
|NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM|
THE ENDING- Buddy saves Christmas, becomes accepted by skeptical Debbie Downers, left to terrorize New York uninhibited.
FOR THE CLOSET CHRISTMAS LOVER: BAD SANTA
|A Christmas Miracle: Somebody kisses Billy Bob|
THE QUOTE- "I'M ON MY FUCKING LUNCH BREAK!" (with some salad)
THE ENDING- Fat Moron Child gets what he has always wanted, Worlds Worst Human Being gets what he deserves, Hot Bartender gets a Hot Tub.
FOR THE CHILD AT HEART: HOME ALONE
|*SPOILER* The Bad Guys Win|
THE QUOTE- "Look what ya did, you little jerk!"
THE ENDING- Demi-gods are slain by simple snow shovel, bad parents resume bad parenting, Buzz has ugly girlfriend- Woof!
FOR THE UNINTERESTED: A DOUBLE FEATURE!! DIE HARD & ROCKY IV
SYNOPSIS- A single man fights against overwhelming odds, pushing forward only through strength of will and pure determination. Fighting for the love of his woman on Christmas Day our hero is spurred on by the death of a friend and the hands of a cruel European villain who seemingly has all of the advantages. Heeding the words of his mentor, the hero is brutalized throughout the film, taking more punishment than any man should be able. At the last possible moment, when things seem most dire, the hero is able to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat, winning one for every Regular Joe out there with a badge and some boxing gloves... hmm.
THE QUOTE(s)- "Yippee Ki-yay mother fucker" & "If you can change... and I can change... everybody can change!"
THE ENDING- Good guys win, bad guys lose, everybody has a merry Christmas. But only by accident, don't worry people who don't care. They just happen to have a happy result on Christmas day, OK?
OK Folks, there you have it. Didn't see your personality type on that list? Well guess what? I'm not a shrink. Take your weird personality somewhere else. But for the rest of you, rest assured you can;t go wrong with these Christmas titles. So Snuggle up in your bed, get your winter-hatin' pants on, and enjoy the show(s).
Oh yeah, some awards.
BEST DUET: Elf
MOST CRINGEWORTHY SCENE: Die Hard- glass in the foot (home alone nail in the foot is runner up)
BEST SCREAM: Home Alone- spider on the face
BEST MONTAGE: Rocky IV- if you said Home Alone, YOU ARE WRONG
MIDGET LITTLE PERSON FALL- Bad Santa- Seriously, just watch it and tell me you didn't think of a wooden rocking horse.