An Old News Reviews Guide to Christmas Movies

Clearly, CLEARLY it is winter time.  You know what I hate about winter?  Pretty much everything except snow (as long as it melts within 2 days), sports (as long as the Panthers/Blue Devils are good), my bed (which I like all the time), and watching Christmas movies.  Even as I sit here typing, I have been defeated by a mild winter day.  It's colder than I like in my apartment for shorts, but I hate wearing jeans.  The end result is I'm wearing pajama pants, which is the universal symbol for giving up for the day.  Thanks alot Winter!

This poster is not harsh enough.

That being said, I've curled up in my bed, wearing pajama pants and socks (GRR SOCKS, REALLY??), waiting for my beloved Blue Devils to beat play appear against an Ohio State team that beat them by like 75 last year, so what better to do to kill time than watch one of my favorite Christmas movies?  Many of you must have come to a similar conclusion in recent days, only to find you are asking yourself:  But which movie?  Have no fear, joyful revelers, Old News Reviews is here to help you make your decision!




Below I have compiled a list of THE BEST Christmas movies around, and which personalities match up with them best.  This is, figuratively, the greatest list of it's kind ever forged.  Believe in my list and ye shall find holiday joy or you won't but only because you are a scroogey buzzkill. Without further ado, here is the list!

 
FOR THE CHRISTMAS ENTHUSIAST: ELF

NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM

SYNOPSIS- Deranged human wanders the streets of New York City, breaking laws and creeping out the locals, accumulating an impressive array of crimes committed along the way, including: Breaking and entering, jaywalking, peeping, assault, resisting arrest, stalking, and probably some others that I have forgotten.  THE QUOTE- "I love smiling, smiling's my favorite"

 THE ENDING-  Buddy saves Christmas, becomes accepted by skeptical Debbie Downers, left to terrorize New York uninhibited.


FOR THE CLOSET CHRISTMAS LOVER: BAD SANTA

A Christmas Miracle: Somebody kisses Billy Bob

SYNOPSIS- World's Worst Human Being poses as Santa Claus with World's Worst 1/2 Human Being to break into department store vaults every Christmas.  But this time IT'S DIFFERENT because he meets Fat Moron Child and Hot Bartender w/ Santa Fetish.  Hilarity, swearing, violence, Christmas Spirit ensue.
THE QUOTE- "I'M ON MY FUCKING LUNCH BREAK!" (with some salad)
THE ENDING- Fat Moron Child gets what he has always wanted, Worlds Worst Human Being gets what he deserves, Hot Bartender gets a Hot Tub.



FOR THE CHILD AT HEART: HOME ALONE

*SPOILER* The Bad Guys Win

SYNOPSIS-  Bad parenting leaves young Kevin "Home Alone" for days as the family tries everything but the calling the house phone in a fruitless effort to contact/reunite with their child.  Enter the Wet Bandits; bumbling, evil thieves who wish to steal all of the valuables from the unwitting McAlister clan.  Instead, they receive a brutal beating at the hands of a 9 ish year old boy that would certainly kill many times over anyone who wasn't some form of demi-god.

THE QUOTE- "Look what ya did, you little jerk!"
THE ENDING- Demi-gods are slain by simple snow shovel, bad parents resume bad parenting, Buzz has ugly girlfriend- Woof!

FOR THE UNINTERESTED: A DOUBLE FEATURE!! DIE HARD & ROCKY IV

SYNOPSIS-  A single man fights against overwhelming odds, pushing forward only through strength of will and pure determination.  Fighting for the love of his woman on Christmas Day our hero is spurred on by the death of a friend and the hands of a cruel European villain who seemingly has all of the advantages.  Heeding the words of his mentor, the hero is brutalized throughout the film, taking more punishment than any man should be able.  At the last possible moment, when things seem most dire, the hero is able to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat, winning one for every Regular Joe out there with a badge and some boxing gloves... hmm.

THE QUOTE(s)- "Yippee Ki-yay mother fucker" & "If you can change... and I can change... everybody can change!"

THE ENDING- Good guys win, bad guys lose, everybody has a merry Christmas.  But only by accident, don't worry people who don't care.  They just happen to have a happy result on Christmas day, OK?

OK Folks, there you have it.  Didn't see your personality type on that list?  Well guess what?  I'm not a shrink.  Take your weird personality somewhere else.  But for the rest of you, rest assured you can;t go wrong with these Christmas titles.  So Snuggle up in your bed, get your winter-hatin' pants on, and enjoy the show(s).

Oh yeah, some awards.

 

BEST DUET:  Elf

MOST CRINGEWORTHY SCENE: Die Hard- glass in the foot (home alone nail in the foot is runner up)

BEST SCREAM: Home Alone- spider on the face

BEST MONTAGE: Rocky IV- if you said Home Alone, YOU ARE WRONG

BEST MIDGET LITTLE PERSON FALL- Bad Santa- Seriously, just watch it and tell me you didn't think of a wooden rocking horse.