To kick off the return of my blog, I have chosen to review my latest and most current netflix obsession: Sons of Anarchy. Why this show, you may ask? You didn't ask did you? Because I don't have a legitimate answer so stop bothering me.
|I hate to be the one to tell you this Mr. Grim Reaper, but "assault rifle scythe" is stupid.|
They've sure got their priorities straight! For those of you thinking about watching the show, I'm going to give you a quick run-down of the major characters, and their best and worst traits. Hopefully this will help you make up your mind.
- Clay- He's Ron Perlman He has Ron Perlman's face
- Jax- The "Good Guy' Uncontrollable Swagger Walk
- Gemma- Strong Female Presence Meddlesome MEDDLESOME UGH
- Tara- Pretty? Doctor? uh... hmmm. "WAAAHH I'M SO CONFLICTED"
- Opie- Epic Beardface Epic Saaaadface
- Tig- Wild Card Creepy As All Hell
- Bobby- The Conscience of the Group Fat Elvis
- Chibs- Irish Gnarly Face Scarring
- Juice- Most Upbeat Character They Never Tell us What Kind of Juice
- Piney- Oxygen Tank Gangster He's a Surly Old Coot
With that important information, I'm sure you are rushing to whichever device has your Netflix instant on it, but not so fast! I have a few pieces of helpful advice that you should heed before diving in.
1: Pay careful attention to how you walk after watching the show. Don't let the ultra-swagger rub off on you.
2: When you start wondering to yourself "Who the hell is Sam Crow," I'm here to help. It's a bird that the whole motorcycle club worships to behind closed doors. You won't see it until season 2.
3: Bad news: You will never stop thinking of Bobby as the guy who stole falafel from the street vendor in Batman Begins.
4: DON'T try counting how many man-hugs happen on the show, I lost count at around 100,000. DO make sure you have your man-hug technique down. Arms diagonal, boys, arms diagonal. Two slaps on the back.
5: There will be lots of motorcycle chases. *SPOILER ALERT* Motorcycle chases are boring!
I'm going back to watching Sons of Anarchy now. Hopefully there will be more reviews to follow, but in the meantime here are the scores!
Shootouts that go unnoticed: 10/10
Trustworthiness & Honesty: 0/10
Bad Decisions: 11/10
Roundtable Voting: High
Sudden Character Death: Abundant