Sunday, June 12, 2011

A Review of Some Things People Say

Those of you who have spent any amount of time with me have probably noticed that there isn't much you can say that will offend me.  I tend to make some crude and off-color remarks, as do my friends, so it would be unfair of me to be offended if I heard someone else do the same.  That being said, there are plenty of phrases that I have come to realize bother. the. SHIT out of me.  Words or phrases that I wish could be removed entirely from the English language.  Alas, I have not that power, so what I will do instead is bring them all up here so that people will kindly stop using them when I am around.  No way will this backfire.

Let just jump right into this shall we?

  1. "Tour de Force."  I'm sure many of you have read or heard a review when somebody used this one.  As in 'Tom Cruises performance was a tour de force!'  What this is essentially saying is 'Hay guys I didn't have time to watch this movie, but I can't have Tom Cruise mad at me soooo... tour de force?'  If I see this statement used, I feel compelled to ignore every opinion this person ever has, or ever has had.  So yeah, I kinda don't like that one.
  2. "Rom-Com."  Yes, Yes I get it.  Its a Romantic Comedy.  How very descriptive and short in comparison!  If only you could avoid sounding like a total douche factory when you said it.
  3. "Douche Factory"  I take it back.
  4. "Frenemies."  Alright, I like slamming two words together as much as the next guy, if not more so, but this is just going too far.  It doesn't make any sense! It DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.  Please note that if you say this to me in person, for at least 24 hours you will look and sound like that total douche factory asshole Zach(k) Braff, which means I will probably try to sucker punch you at my earliest convenience.
  5. "You would be surprised."  When people presume that I would be surprised, I feel like I am obligated to give them their own surprise.  *spoiler alert!*  My surprise rhymes with Doop in your Dillowcase.
  6. "Hey, you are sunburned."  As though the person does not notice that they have not only turned a different color than they have been for their entire life, but also that they will be forced to walk around in a painful, sweaty, irritating reminder of the fact that they were too lazy or careless or stupid to do 10 minutes of preparation.  I have to assume that you tell other people because you are too much of a dead-to-the-world idiot to realize your own skin is burned, so you feel like you are doing people a favor. 
He knows.

I guess that is enough for now.  There are more, but I already have those six to look forward to hearing twice as much now because my friends are evil people and I'm too stupid not to post this.  Just to balance things out, here are a few things that I do enjoy hearing:

"Yes you can have this money"
Anything by They Might Be Giants
"Braves win"
"Dollar Tacos"
"Starring Bruce Willis"


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Team review: 2010 Carolina Panthers. Comedy or Horror?

I'm baaaack! Now that I am slightly less obsessed with Call of Duty: Black Ops, I again have some extra time to devote to equally pointless affairs like this here blog here. Lucky you!
I would like to speak today about my beloved Carolina Panthers, 2010 version. Obviously the first question that may pop into your head is: Why waste all those words? Because they are hilariously, horrifically bad, that's why. But are they more hilarious, or are they just scary bad? Lets take a look.

Jimmy Clausen: Guest of Honor at Douche Hair conference 2010

Perhaps even during the preseason we should have seen the warning signs about what was to come.  Perhaps many of us did, and chose to ignore them.  Perhaps everyone kept mentioning what a rough year it was going to be and I told them Matt Moore was gonna do fine... oh hilarity.  Here are just a few of the preseason indicators that should have told me otherwise:

  1. See above photo... we drafted that guy?  They really dug deep looking for a football player who doesn't look like he's ever played football.  Surprise!  He Hasn't!
  2. Steve Smith breaks his arm playing FLAG football. shit.
  3. Matt Moore is a starting quarterback.  HOLY SHIT.
  4. Panthers 0-4 in preseason, fail to score an offensive touchdown.  Just lying low I'm sure.....? Please?
  5. Jerome Bettis picks Panthers as worst team in the league.  HOLY... waitaminute we should take him seriously?  You do now, dontcha Panther fans!
Who's laughin' now, bitches?!?
 The Season Begins
Let's ignore that amazing preseason everybody.  Its a new year, Matt Moore has shown he can play.  Right?  He's gotta be better than Jake Delhomme last year, right?  Right?!?!


Believe it or not, just a couple weeks into the season we would be begging for ol' Jake back, or at least a quarterback change.  Let's see that new guy!  The one who looks like a guy I would love to punch in the face have as a quarterback cast as the mean jock in a high school dramedy!  Too much credit still?  Maybe more like the mean jock's silent, ugly friend?  Yes that suits him better.

Game 5: The Season Ends.
Oh yes, here the season ended.  Now I might be wrong about which game Clausen entered the starting lineup, but make no mistake:  As soon as that happened, this sham of a season of football was definitively over.  It wasn't so much that our buddy Jimmy Pickle threw too many interceptions, like his predecessors Delhomme and Moore, but it was more the fact that he couldn't handle a snap or convert a first down.  It was around this time, I might also add, that DeAngelo Williams went down with an injury, never to return.  Jonathan Stewart seemed to have a mild case of "Itis" for most of the season as well.  Probably neither of them wanted to get their hands dirty from all of the Turds That Jimmy Threw.

Where is Steve Smith during all this?  Well, Matt Moore seemed to find him ok, in the Pre-Claussen era.  3 touchdowns in the first 3 games... yay fantasy football!  Then, the dark Claussen Days fell upon us.  Steve Smith literally didn't touch the ball for the rest of the season (don't look that up).  Sooo... top three scorers from last year a non-factor? Check.  Worst quarterback in the league?  Check.  Most irritatingly enthusiastic head coach in the face of utter ineptitude?  Double check.

The fantastic Mr. Fox, celebrating an exceptional lack of talent.
 After the season:
I would like to take a quick moment to thank Andrew Luck for running scared away from our number 1 pick.  Honestly man, I don't blame you.  But that won't stop me from making fun of you... eh screw it, good call man.  And Ron Riveira?  Good luck with that quarterback you don't have, hope it works out real well for ya.  And since I feel like it, I would like to leave you with one parting shot at man of the year Jimmy Claussen, as a thank you for ruining our season.

Silly Panthers, Emu can't play quarterback!
Ha.  Hahahahaha.  Oh its spot on, is it not?

So are they the worst ever?  Derek Pons thinks so, but you already know what kind of man he is (zing!).  Maybe not the worst, but we did let an emu play quarterback for over half the season.

The Verdict:

Hilarious- 9/10
Horrifying- 8/10
Quarterback- I like to think we didn't have one.
Coaching- Record set for claps-per-game, not much else.

Overall:  Now I hate football.