Wednesday, November 28, 2012

An Old News Reviews Guide to Christmas Movies

Clearly, CLEARLY it is winter time.  You know what I hate about winter?  Pretty much everything except snow (as long as it melts within 2 days), sports (as long as the Panthers/Blue Devils are good), my bed (which I like all the time), and watching Christmas movies.  Even as I sit here typing, I have been defeated by a mild winter day.  It's colder than I like in my apartment for shorts, but I hate wearing jeans.  The end result is I'm wearing pajama pants, which is the universal symbol for giving up for the day.  Thanks alot Winter!

This poster is not harsh enough.
That being said, I've curled up in my bed, wearing pajama pants and socks (GRR SOCKS, REALLY??), waiting for my beloved Blue Devils to beat play appear against an Ohio State team that beat them by like 75 last year, so what better to do to kill time than watch one of my favorite Christmas movies?  Many of you must have come to a similar conclusion in recent days, only to find you are asking yourself:  But which movie?  Have no fear, joyful revelers, Old News Reviews is here to help you make your decision!

Below I have compiled a list of THE BEST Christmas movies around, and which personalities match up with them best.  This is, figuratively, the greatest list of it's kind ever forged.  Believe in my list and ye shall find holiday joy or you won't but only because you are a scroogey buzzkill. Without further ado, here is the list!

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

So this one time I made a blog, then made a couple of posts on said blog, then gave up on it.  But guess what lucky readers?  I GOT BORED and now you get to read THIS IMPORTANT REVIEW!  It's been so long that this blog itself has become old news.  I'm so meta, I just can't handle myself sometimes.

To kick off the return of my blog, I have chosen to review my latest and most current netflix obsession: Sons of Anarchy.  Why this show, you may ask?  You didn't ask did you?  Because I don't have a legitimate answer so stop bothering me.

I hate to be the one to tell you this Mr. Grim Reaper, but "assault rifle scythe" is stupid.
For those of you who are unfamiliar, Sons of Anarchy is a show about a ragtag band of misfits who ride around on motorcycles in a town called Charming, committing every violent crime there is and running a gun selling operation, all with minimal consequences.  These are supposed to be the good guys, by the way, who only do what they do "for the good of Charming," and to "Keep the drugs out of Charming."  Just to recap:


They've sure got their priorities straight!  For those of you thinking about watching the show, I'm going to give you a quick run-down of the major characters, and their best and worst traits.  Hopefully this will help you make up your mind.

                     BEST                                                        WORST
  • Clay- He's Ron Perlman                               He has Ron Perlman's face
  • Jax- The "Good Guy'                                   Uncontrollable Swagger Walk
  • Gemma- Strong Female Presence                 Meddlesome MEDDLESOME UGH
  • Tara- Pretty? Doctor? uh... hmmm.               "WAAAHH I'M SO CONFLICTED"
  • Opie- Epic Beardface                                   Epic Saaaadface
  • Tig- Wild Card                                             Creepy As All Hell
  • Bobby- The Conscience of the Group           Fat Elvis                                          
  • Chibs- Irish                                                  Gnarly Face Scarring
  • Juice- Most Upbeat Character                      They Never Tell us What Kind of Juice
  • Piney- Oxygen Tank Gangster                       He's a Surly Old Coot
Preeeetty much all anyone needs to know about anyone on the show.  Did I leave a couple out?  I did.  Do I plan on fixing that?  WHY DON'T YOU F$*!ING FIX IT, GAHHH!

With that important information, I'm sure you are rushing to whichever device has your Netflix instant on it, but not so fast! I have a few pieces of helpful advice that you should heed before diving in.

1: Pay careful attention to how you walk after watching the show.  Don't let the ultra-swagger rub off on you.
2: When you start wondering to yourself "Who the hell is Sam Crow," I'm here to help.  It's a bird that the whole motorcycle club worships to behind closed doors.  You won't see it until season 2.
3: Bad news:  You will never stop thinking of Bobby as the guy who stole falafel from the street vendor in Batman Begins.
4: DON'T try counting how many man-hugs happen on the show, I lost count at around 100,000.  DO make sure you have your man-hug technique down.  Arms diagonal, boys, arms diagonal.  Two slaps on the back.
5: There will be lots of motorcycle chases.  *SPOILER ALERT* Motorcycle chases are boring!

I'm going back to watching Sons of Anarchy now.  Hopefully there will be more reviews to follow, but in the meantime here are the scores!

Shootouts that go unnoticed: 10/10
Trustworthiness & Honesty: 0/10
Bad Decisions:                    11/10
Roundtable Voting:              High
Sudden Character Death:    Abundant