Sunday, June 12, 2011

A Review of Some Things People Say

Those of you who have spent any amount of time with me have probably noticed that there isn't much you can say that will offend me.  I tend to make some crude and off-color remarks, as do my friends, so it would be unfair of me to be offended if I heard someone else do the same.  That being said, there are plenty of phrases that I have come to realize bother. the. SHIT out of me.  Words or phrases that I wish could be removed entirely from the English language.  Alas, I have not that power, so what I will do instead is bring them all up here so that people will kindly stop using them when I am around.  No way will this backfire.

Let just jump right into this shall we?

  1. "Tour de Force."  I'm sure many of you have read or heard a review when somebody used this one.  As in 'Tom Cruises performance was a tour de force!'  What this is essentially saying is 'Hay guys I didn't have time to watch this movie, but I can't have Tom Cruise mad at me soooo... tour de force?'  If I see this statement used, I feel compelled to ignore every opinion this person ever has, or ever has had.  So yeah, I kinda don't like that one.
  2. "Rom-Com."  Yes, Yes I get it.  Its a Romantic Comedy.  How very descriptive and short in comparison!  If only you could avoid sounding like a total douche factory when you said it.
  3. "Douche Factory"  I take it back.
  4. "Frenemies."  Alright, I like slamming two words together as much as the next guy, if not more so, but this is just going too far.  It doesn't make any sense! It DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.  Please note that if you say this to me in person, for at least 24 hours you will look and sound like that total douche factory asshole Zach(k) Braff, which means I will probably try to sucker punch you at my earliest convenience.
  5. "You would be surprised."  When people presume that I would be surprised, I feel like I am obligated to give them their own surprise.  *spoiler alert!*  My surprise rhymes with Doop in your Dillowcase.
  6. "Hey, you are sunburned."  As though the person does not notice that they have not only turned a different color than they have been for their entire life, but also that they will be forced to walk around in a painful, sweaty, irritating reminder of the fact that they were too lazy or careless or stupid to do 10 minutes of preparation.  I have to assume that you tell other people because you are too much of a dead-to-the-world idiot to realize your own skin is burned, so you feel like you are doing people a favor. 
He knows.

I guess that is enough for now.  There are more, but I already have those six to look forward to hearing twice as much now because my friends are evil people and I'm too stupid not to post this.  Just to balance things out, here are a few things that I do enjoy hearing:

"Yes you can have this money"
Anything by They Might Be Giants
"Braves win"
"Dollar Tacos"
"Starring Bruce Willis"


No comments:

Post a Comment