Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Team review: 2010 Carolina Panthers. Comedy or Horror?

I'm baaaack! Now that I am slightly less obsessed with Call of Duty: Black Ops, I again have some extra time to devote to equally pointless affairs like this here blog here. Lucky you!
I would like to speak today about my beloved Carolina Panthers, 2010 version. Obviously the first question that may pop into your head is: Why waste all those words? Because they are hilariously, horrifically bad, that's why. But are they more hilarious, or are they just scary bad? Lets take a look.

Jimmy Clausen: Guest of Honor at Douche Hair conference 2010

Perhaps even during the preseason we should have seen the warning signs about what was to come.  Perhaps many of us did, and chose to ignore them.  Perhaps everyone kept mentioning what a rough year it was going to be and I told them Matt Moore was gonna do fine... oh hilarity.  Here are just a few of the preseason indicators that should have told me otherwise:

  1. See above photo... we drafted that guy?  They really dug deep looking for a football player who doesn't look like he's ever played football.  Surprise!  He Hasn't!
  2. Steve Smith breaks his arm playing FLAG football.  Ho..ly... shit.
  3. Matt Moore is a starting quarterback.  HOLY SHIT.
  4. Panthers 0-4 in preseason, fail to score an offensive touchdown.  Just lying low I'm sure.....? Please?
  5. Jerome Bettis picks Panthers as worst team in the league.  HOLY... waitaminute we should take him seriously?  You do now, dontcha Panther fans!
Who's laughin' now, bitches?!?
 The Season Begins
Let's ignore that amazing preseason everybody.  Its a new year, Matt Moore has shown he can play.  Right?  He's gotta be better than Jake Delhomme last year, right?  Right?!?!


Believe it or not, just a couple weeks into the season we would be begging for ol' Jake back, or at least a quarterback change.  Let's see that new guy!  The one who looks like a guy I would love to punch in the face have as a quarterback cast as the mean jock in a high school dramedy!  Too much credit still?  Maybe more like the mean jock's silent, ugly friend?  Yes that suits him better.

Game 5: The Season Ends.
Oh yes, here the season ended.  Now I might be wrong about which game Clausen entered the starting lineup, but make no mistake:  As soon as that happened, this sham of a season of football was definitively over.  It wasn't so much that our buddy Jimmy Pickle threw too many interceptions, like his predecessors Delhomme and Moore, but it was more the fact that he couldn't handle a snap or convert a first down.  It was around this time, I might also add, that DeAngelo Williams went down with an injury, never to return.  Jonathan Stewart seemed to have a mild case of "Itis" for most of the season as well.  Probably neither of them wanted to get their hands dirty from all of the Turds That Jimmy Threw.

Where is Steve Smith during all this?  Well, Matt Moore seemed to find him ok, in the Pre-Claussen era.  3 touchdowns in the first 3 games... yay fantasy football!  Then, the dark Claussen Days fell upon us.  Steve Smith literally didn't touch the ball for the rest of the season (don't look that up).  Sooo... top three scorers from last year a non-factor? Check.  Worst quarterback in the league?  Check.  Most irritatingly enthusiastic head coach in the face of utter ineptitude?  Double check.

The fantastic Mr. Fox, celebrating an exceptional lack of talent.
 After the season:
I would like to take a quick moment to thank Andrew Luck for running scared away from our number 1 pick.  Honestly man, I don't blame you.  But that won't stop me from making fun of you... eh screw it, good call man.  And Ron Riveira?  Good luck with that quarterback you don't have, hope it works out real well for ya.  And since I feel like it, I would like to leave you with one parting shot at man of the year Jimmy Claussen, as a thank you for ruining our season.

Silly Panthers, Emu can't play quarterback!
Ha.  Hahahahaha.  Oh its spot on, is it not?

So are they the worst ever?  Derek Pons thinks so, but you already know what kind of man he is (zing!).  Maybe not the worst, but we did let an emu play quarterback for over half the season.

The Verdict:

Hilarious- 9/10
Horrifying- 8/10
Quarterback- I like to think we didn't have one.
Coaching- Record set for claps-per-game, not much else.

Overall:  Now I hate football.

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