Only Sort of a Review: Talk-to-Text

Hello everyone!  I was wondering to myself recently what I should review next for the blog.  A celebrity?  A band perhaps?  Maybe that creepy house across the street? (note to self: blog about that later.)  Before I could make a definite decision on my own, I became inspired.  I decided to try out the talk-to-text function on my cell phone just to see how unreliable it was, but was shocked to find that it in fact works extremely well!  So now, when I find my hands full of babies rescued from fires heroically defused bombs Chick-Fil-A, I will be able to send perfectly coherent text messages without trouble!

But that isn't why we are here.

No, after trying all seven of George Carlin's words that you can't say on TV and discovering my phone could understand and translate them all, (even if it did censor them! What a bunch of bulls***, phone!  NOT YOU TOO, BLOGGER!) the only next logical step was to see what happened when I sang at full volume into the phone.  The results?  F***ING PRICELESS.

Cab jew dake me hi urn?

I want everybody else to have as much fun as I have had with Sing-to-Text technology, so I have prepared for you a helpful guide to get best results.  Remember people, this is an art, not a science, and it might take you some time to figure out how to get the best results.  If at any point you find yourself thinking, "Thomas, this isn't funny at all," don't panic; you are just doing it wrong. Follow my advice, and thank me later.

PREPARATION
When preparing yourself for sing-to-text, it is important to consider many different variables.  Where you are, who you are with, and what song you choose can all have serious effect on the outcome.  Make sure that you employ at least one, but preferably multiple of the following practices when preparing:

• Choose a band/singer with a distinct voice, preferably one that growls a little (Pearl Jam) or makes noises after every word for no reason (Metallica.)  Basically any 90's grunge music is a slam dunk.
• Pick a song you don't know all the words to.  Sing too clearly and your smart phone will be smart enough to catch every word, and then you are just singing to your phone like a sad, lonely little weirdo.
• Play the song in the background simultaneously.  The background noise can't do anything but help to confuse your poor smart phone, while giving you a frame of reference.
• Sing with a friend!  Duets are more fun, and guaranteed to blow your phone's pitiful little mind.
• Avoid singers with high pitch voices.  In my experience, it just makes your phone give up, rendering disappointing results. 

EXECUTION
Sing loud and sing proud.  If you are an excellent singer, you may have to mess up a little bit on purpose, but that is just fine.  Cheating you say?  I say I JUST MADE UP THE RULES AND NO IT AIN'T.  Don't abide by the breaks in lyrics during the song, your phone will jump on the opportunity to process what you have already sung.  Sneaky bastard phone!

RESULTS
This is the best part, obviously.  If you did everything correctly, you should have some truly nonsensical gibberish that may also surprise you with a little bit of insight.  Here are a few of my favorites that have come from the brilliant mind of my GeniusPhone.

Disclaimer:  I don't know song names or sometimes band names.  Deal with it.

Alice in Chains- Rooster
-The first one I did, on a whim.  Not amazing, but I could tell there was real potential.  I think it was right at the beginning of the song:
 "Ayn Rand no way me then here on me yeah um um her staying and when I have time"
 -Like I said, nothing special.  But it made me try again, with:

Pearl Jam- Dissident(?)
-I couldn't believe my luck when Pearl Jam was next on the radio, so I hit the sing-to-text button and let it roll.  I forget which part of the song exactly this was. (I've added breaks where I feel my phone wanted them)
 "Oh I'm sorry were my girl/oh hell burger you're wrong"
 -Short and sweet.  I started laughing but then realized that might actually be what Eddie Vedder is singing in that song.  So I'm actually more excited about finding a method for deciphering Pearl Jam songs in the future.  I moved on to an old standby next, singing right over the radio.

Creed- Higher
-Just when you thought Creed didn't have anything to offer:
"Where to go/ order of banana man dollars/ damn come on and go/ order of worms/ girl on girl"
 -JACKPOT.  

Creed- Higher attempt #2
"Can you heard me to your house on girl who are birds/ brine beer on the ear"
-This is where I figure my phone became GeniusPhone.  It has deciphered Creed, and here you can see Creed admits to being a form of torture: "Brine beer on the ear."  Good work phone, you've cracked the code!

I did a couple more, but I'm bored of writing this.

ABRUPT ENDING