Sunday, December 23, 2012

Redbox is Chocolatebox

I'm sure most of you have seen the movie Forrest Gump by now, and I'm sure you remember the famous line: "Life is like a box of chocolates.  You never know what you're gonna get."  Well guess what else is like a box of chocolates?  Redbox.

Prepare yourself for mediocrity.
Let me clear this up real quick.  Redbox isn't like a new box of chocolates.  It is the box of chocolates that has been sitting around in the break room at work, full of promise but delivering only disappointment.  If you aren't familiar with this phenomenon, here is a little dramatization:

    One day at (INSERT COMPANY NAME HERE), Ted left the sales floor and went to the break room, looking forward to relaxing for a few minutes before getting back out on the floor and helping customers find just the right Christmas gift.   
   He entered the break room, and was pleasantly surprised at what he found; emptiness.  Not a soul in sight, not even in the Comfy Chair.  He began whistling 'Jingle Bells' as he sauntered over to the Comfy Chair, and was just about to sit down when he saw it: A box of chocolates on the table in the corner, with a little sign that said "MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY! TAKE ONE!"  Unable to believe his good luck, he hurried over to the box and snatched the top off, ready to claim his prize.
  His cheerful whistling trailed off as Ted was suddenly faced with a difficult decision.  He clearly wasn't the first person to get to the chocolates, not even close.  There were a couple chocolates remaining, but without the chocolate chart there was no telling which flavors were left.  Everybody else couldn't possibly have know which ones to avoid and which ones to eat, could they?
    He grabbed one at random and popped it into his mouth just as Betty, his boss, walked in.  "Heya Ted!  You are doing great out there today!  Everybody loves how cheerful..."  But Ted interrupted her, mouth half full, practically growling as he spoke.
               "I have to go home, Betty, I don't feel well."
               "What?  Ted, I don't understand, you seem so energetic..."
               "There's a cherry in it, Betty.  I have to go"
               "A cherry in it?  In what, Ted?"
               "O-ok Ted, no problem.  Just go home and get some rest ok?"
     Ted walked past her and straight out of the building.  Everyone he passed could only Hear him muttering about "cherries" or repeating to himself "How did they know? HOW DID THEY KNOW?? 
What does all of that have to do with Redbox?  Just imagine Redbox as Chocolatebox, and think of how many times you went to open the box hoping to find something delicious to watch eat wheatch, only to find the orange creme and cherry filled movies left.

My metaphor got tangled, but you get the point.  You go in to Redbox hoping to find The Avengers, but end up having to choose between Wesley Snipes' latest direct-to-video crapfest or a romantic comedy starring Seth Rogen and Barbara Streisand andnowivethrownuponmykeyboard.  Seriously I'm already hating the future of my Redbox trips.

Trash is usually free.
Whoever made this hates everyone.


That being said, maybe you will be one of the lucky ones.  Just maybe you will be the one to open Redbox/Chocolatebox and find nothing but delicious treasure with just a few pieces of nastiness inside.  Or maybe you'll just chew on some crap.


Convenience: 10/10
Price: 10/10
Actually having anything worth watching: 2/10
People in front of you don't know how to operate the machine properly so they take forever and they have to look  through every stupid movie two times before they finally decide on whatever the last crappy movie Gerard Butler put out was:  10/10, or 0/10, whichever one is bad, I got confused.

Overall: I hate you Redbox, except when I want to watch crappy movies.

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