Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Food Review: PB&J

Hello! I apologize for the lack of reviews in several days.  It's been busy and blah blah blah.  OK, I got Call of Duty, and I've been a lazy turd, sue me.  Anyways, you're getting one now so quitcher bitchin'.

Disclaimer:  All depictions in this blog of any people, historical figures, or sandwiches real or fake, were made up on the spot but probably really happened too.

Simple yet elegant

Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches.  The quintessential child's lunch, I am fairly certain that everybody on the planet has had one at some time in their life (yes even you, you peanut allergic unfortunates.  How do you think your parents found out?).  If you are thinking to yourself right now, "Hey, I've never had a PB&J," then your next thought should be "Hey, I'm a big fat lying jerkwad.  My pants are probably on fire, on account of me being such a liar."  Yeah, you've had one.

What is it about the peanut butter and jelly sandwich that is so good?  Why all the hype?  For starters, you have peanut butter.  When George Washington Carver was messing around with the peanut* and came up with all of those 105 ways to eat a peanut, none was more critical to planet Earth than peanut butter.  I mean, come on guys, that stuff is amazing.

*Just a little side note, here.  I'm all for science and learning and all that other crap, but don't you think this guy maybe took it a little too far?  He could have stopped at, like, 40 ways to prepare peanut butter, and we all would have reacted the same way.  "Hey, way to go there, George, groundbreaking stuff... oh, no let us cook tonight.  No there won't be any peanuts.  George, what are you doing?!?!  No, George, please I was going to make a peanut brittle for desert!  George no stop I'm sorry!  Geeeooorrrrrgggee!

I'm crazy about peanuts!

Yeah I just made George Washington Carver in to a murdering peanut psychopath.  Sure did.  Good thing you read the disclaimer.

A true power couple.

And I have something to say to you people who think that peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are "not good."  You think that peanut butter and jelly don't belong together on a sandwich do you?  Are you really willing to split up those two after such a long and lucrative partnership?  Would you be the one to drive a wedge between the greatest duo in sandwich history, just because you had a bad experience in elementary school when you threw up all those PB&J's?  I didn't think so.

Now, as much as I love the old PB&J, there are a few critical variations that don't involve both components (meaning just peanut butter, because what else is jelly good for but toast?) that I would like to mention.
  1. Peanut Butter and Honey:  Sweet deliciousness.  I'm told that some people think this is "weird" or "gross."  I have to be told by people, because when someone says that sort of thing to my face, my brain instantly translates it into "WHOOOAAA AWESOME."
  2. Peanut Butter and Honey and Bacon:  I can't comment other than by saying holy shit.  Eat one of these, come back to this blog, and thank my mother for being a true visionary.  Mr. George Washington Carver ain't got a thing on her.
  3. Peanut Butter and Banana:  The popularity of this sandwich mash up grows by the day.  Not my favorite, but I do recognize a winner when I see it.
  4. Peanut Butter and Mayonnaise:  Sounds barfworthy, but I had it on a hot dog once (I was drunk, OK?).  Not as bad as it sounds, but not as good as whoever invented it would like you to think.
  5. Peanut Butter and Pesto:  Just kidding!  Or am I?  Yeah I am.

I also feel I need to mention the unsung hero of this piece: milk.  With milk, a PB&J is about five times greater than without, and vice-versa (is that how you spell that? never tried it before).  Never have I enjoyed milk more than when I have it with a PB&J.  Milk is the behind-the-scenes force behind Peanut Butter and Jelly.  A true team player who doesn't need any of the credit for itself.  Here's to milk!

 So thats about it for the old PB&J.  Here are the scores:

Taste: 8/10 (9/10 w/ milk)
Affordability: 10/10
Versatility: 6/10 (Only so many kinds of J's you can use)
Replay value: Very High

Oh, and you're welcome for not posting the Peanut Butter Jelly Time! video.

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