Saturday, November 20, 2010

Toy Review: the NERF N-Strike Rapid Fire AS-20. Crappy name, epic toy.

Wanna know the most satisfying feeling in the world? Go grab your NERF gun. If you don't have one, then ask one of your friends to punch you in your balls/face because you are an idiot, then get them to take you to Target so you can join the ranks of cool people. Now that you have a NERF gun, try shooting any of your friends in the face with it. You don't get that feeling of sweet satisfaction unless you do this from at least 5 meters, and you really need to do it with one of the classic suction dart style bullets for that satisfying slap noise that means you've scored a direct hit. If performed successfully, this will result in an automatic shit-eating grin that is pretty much incurable, at least until somebody does the same thing to you. Rinse and repeat. Look, it even works for dogs!

OK, that guy is hilarious.

Pretty much any NERF gun can lead to this world of happiness, but I believe I have found the best one for the job. It is called, rather unfortunately, the N-Strike Rapid Fire AS-20. I'm going to go ahead and call it the NERF Hilarity, because that is what it causes when used.
It should be called the NERF Face Ruiner

 It's hard to describe this gun in words and do it justice.  All NERF guns are great, of course, but nothing else seems to measure up to this little bit of perfection.  It is small enough to carry in one hand and, say, hide behind your back, but it is also large enough to put the Fear into all who oppose your NERF power.  But that's not really the best use for this gun.

What is the best use for the gun, you undoubtedly have asked yourself?  Invite a friend over, hide until they come in, then jump out and unload 20 rounds on them so fast that they won't even have time to properly pee themselves.  Not only does it shoot unreasonably fast, but the thing is loud.  Even better for the surprise factor.  To top it all off, it is accurate enough that in skilled hands, you can probably land all 20 shots and you can probably land them all on the face which, after all, is the point of a NERF gun.

But NERF is for kids!  Everybody is sure to try to tell you that.  I have prepared for you a suitable answer should this problem arise.  Shoot this person in the face with your brand new NERF gun, preferably multiple times, and say "Who's the kid now?"  This will properly demonstrated both your maturity and also how reasonable you are.  Not to mention afterwards you will have a huge smile on your face.  If you don't believe me, then believe these celebrities:

I shot Ben Affleck in the face with my NERF, and look at me now!

NERF is better than winning an Oscar!
Before I finish, I would like to take a moment to thank NERF for creating the perfect toy.  Not only can we approximate extreme violence with these toys, we can do it without any possible chance of hurting your friends.  Kudos, NERF!

Final scores for the NERF Hilarity:

Dart capacity: 10/10
Rate of Fire: 15/10
Range: 8/10
Shock Value: 10/10
Rate of Dart Loss: Stupid high.

Overall:  You pretty much made the perfect gun here, NERF.  Time to find a new line of work.

No comments:

Post a Comment