Monday, November 8, 2010

Punisher: War Zone. Consider yourself punished.

Ahh, my first review of a movie so bad that it is good.  How to tackle a review such as this?  I certainly can't go by this movie's artistic merits.  That would make this a very brief, very easy review.  No, a true bad/good movie like this requires a refined movie palette, unlike anything that an ordinary movie critic can bring to the table.  Gone from this review will be the usual measuring sticks we are all so accustomed to; acting, writing, visuals, pacing, etc.  No, this movie requires the examination of certain other enjoyment factors, but we will get to that later.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

                         Punisher: War Zone
I've watched many a bad movie over the last couple of years in search of those hidden gems, those over the top, how-does-this-movie-exist laugh riots that can only truly be made by a creative team with the talent and ability of a sea urchin.  This movie, for sheer enjoyment, is one of the best.  And I will  tell you why.

Reason # 1:  Hilarious accents.  The two main villains of this piece, the self-named "Jigsaw" and the not ironically named Looney Bin Jim, both use the thick Brooklyn(?) style accent, and it's almost as if you can hear them attempting to learn it as the scene is shot.   Please enjoy this link to the best accent ever put to film:

This guy really likes his applesauce! 

Waitaminute, we have some breaking news:  Dominic West, portrayer of Jigsaw, actually just talks like that.  I think Doug Hutchinson (Looney Bin Jim) deserves some credit here for creating a brand new dialect, which I think should be called Bizarro Brooklyn.  Not a great name?  I accept reader submissions!

Reason #2:  (Spoiler alert!)  Parkour + backflip over building + surprise rocket launcher = I peed myself.  HO-LY SHIT that was funny.  What a practical way to eliminate a pesky  Freestyle walker, than to shoot them out of mid-backflip with a rocket.  Easy as pie.

Reason #3  Face punishment.  Frank Castle punishes a man by punching through his face.  No joke, hes actually strong enough to eliminate a man's face from his head with a single punch, which is much more impressive than the way Christian Bale did it in Equilibrium.  Films have a long history of face removal (see: Face/Off, and, uh, other stuff), but this has to rank up there with the best.
Reason #4:  Mirror punishment.  Jigsaw hates mirrors because he is so ugly after his glass shard bath (he was inside a glass recycler when it was on: punished!) that he can't stand to see his face.  His loving and caring brother Jim dutifully destroys every mirror that tries to make an appearance for the rest of the film.  Headbutts, cross-body blocks, and furniture are all acceptable means of mirror removal.  And they apparently live in the mirror capital of the world.

                                                               It never did nothin to no one
Reason #5  Don't push it.

In summation, if you want to see "good" movies, I advise you to seek out and destroy every copy of this movie ever made.  It is terribad.  However, if you like hilariously bad, I urge you to Punish yourself (heh heh) by watching this movie.

The scores:
Frank's fist 1 - Faces 0
Rocket  1  -  Parkour 0
Body count:  >Die Hard
Robin Williams Certificate of Awful Accents awarded

Overall: Definitely makes my top 500

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