Wednesday, November 10, 2010

One Man Reviews Another Man: I give you... Derek Pons!


Filmmaker.  Comedian.  Athlete.  Class Act.  Talented.  These are all things that Derek Pons hopes he will be someday.  What is he now?  Instead of just telling you outright, why don't I instead tell you a story about Derek, who we (his good friends) lovingly call Creepy Deeps  Skeezy Deezy  Tard Octocock D-Pons.  To me this story is just a legend, as sadly I was not there to witness it.  But those who did witness it, extremely reliable sources by the way, have told it many times, and told it well.  And so begins...

                                        The Legend of Derek:  Baby Slayer
Once upon a time in the land of Wilmington, Fere lived a young man by the name of Derek.  Derek was a happy young lad, so full of life and wonderment.  You would think, by Fe way he spoke of Fings that he liked, Fat he enjoyed everything as Fough it was Fe "greatest Fing ever!"  Fis remained true one of Fe days he attended a gaFering at a friend's house. Two of Derek's friends, known to all as the Thrill Killers, had recently given birF to a beautiful baby girl.  Derek saw a lot of himself in this infant child; Fe wonderment, Fe difficulty speaking, Fe golden locks, Fe baby face (he never could grow a beard).   Derek immediately took a liking to the child.  Oh, how Fey played together, Fe two young friends! 
          But Fen, someFing happened.  No one knows for sure what came between Fe two friends at that moment, but someFing happened indeed.  You could see it in Derek's face... he was plotting.  Before anyone knew what happened, Derek had struck!  He lashed out, foot delivering the wraF of Derek with astonishing speed, sending Fe baby girl flying end over end across the room.  Everyone was stunned by the speed and ferocity of Derek's outburst, but he showed no remorse.  He simply laughed at Fe mistfortue of Fe poor baby child.  If you listen closely, you can still hear his laughter, even today...

This guy has nothing on Derek

So now you have a slight idea of Derek, the man.  I may have kept out a few of the more incriminating parts of the story, for Derek's sake, but the events occurred almost exactly like it is written there.  Shocking, and tragic I know.

But what else can I tell you about Derek, you ask?  Well, he has quite possibly the best Beach photo of all time.  How good you ask?  Good enough to double the followers on my blog, if not triple them.  Behold:  Beach Bod Derek!

The beach had to shut down on this day.
If thats not enough, how about his man-crushes? Matt Damon poster on the wall: check.  That guy from Lost looking wistfully off into the sunset for a computer background: check.  Matthew Fox blow up doll: check.  Jack Bauer Night Time Escapades DVD box set: check.  He has him all, and he will share them with you unashamedly.

There really is too much to talk about with my friend Derek.  You can't sum him up in just a few hundred words, and nor would I want to try.  Instead, let me give you a list of  "States of Derek" that you want to catch him in in order to get a good picture.

  • Incredulous Derek- Very common
  • Dad Joke Derek- Common
  • Film Derek- Always
  • Lost Fanatic Derek- Not as common as it used to be
  • Beach Bod Derek- Seasonal
  • Fedora Derek- Rare
  • Dancin' Derek- In between 
That covers it for now, thats about all I can think of at this time.  I'm sure I forgot some so, loyal readers, please give me some more ideas and I can always add them in!

Let me be serious for a minute though.  Derek, we love ya.  You are a great friend to have, always fun to have around and you suck at cooking.  Oops! what I meant was, it wouldn't be the same without you around here, and I'm gla...  I'm glaaaa.... sorry, it's a bit hard to say.  I'm glad we hang out.  Your enthusiasm and good attitude are truly infectious, and I can't think of anyone better to go on a trip with, or go to a concert with, or just generally hang out with.  Your good nature and fierce friendship are one of a kind.  There!  Compliment paid.  See, now it's like a roast, so I don't feel bad about posting Beach Bod picture or talking about how bad you suck at cooking.  Anyways, here are some scores and merit badges:

Funny: 9/10
Physical Prowess: 3/10 (ha ha got one last dig in there!)
Charm: 10/10
Movie Opinions: Well, at least you and I can agree on Hot Fuzz

Overall: He's a Swell Dude!

Merit badges:

Best Knee Explosion!
Biggest Lost Obsession
President of the Jack Bauer fan club Wilmington chapter
Funniest Frozen Pizza Attempt

Thats all for now!  Big ups to Derek!

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